US Airways Airbus A320 Crashes Into Hudson River Because Woman Was Overweight
A US Airways Airbus A320 airliner with 155 people aboard which crashed into the Hudson River in New York City, did so because one of its passengers was massively overweight. The flight, which had just left LaGuardia Airport was destined for Charlo...
Read full storyGeorge Bush To Star With Robert Duvall In "Butch & Sundance - Weapons of The Wild West"
HOLLYWOOD, California - A spokesman for Paramount Pictures has just announced that they have signed President George Bush to star in the western, "Butch & Sundance - Weapons of The Wild West." The movie will begin filming in early March just o...
Read full storyBreaking News: Pattinson Bows Out of Twilight Sequel
In a shocking turn of events, industry insiders have confirmed today that Robert Pattinson will not reprise his role as dashing vampire Edward Cullen in the Twilight movie sequel. Pattinson had originally pulled out of another project in order to...
Read full storyNational Pretzel Day
In centuries past the United States of America has enacted legislation to recognize dozens of event-specific occurrences. With the upcoming departure of George W Bush, Federal officials have decided to dedicate a national holiday in his honor. Na...
Read full storyHeathrow to get new marina
With the green light given to the building of a third runway and another high-tech, baggage-losing terminal full of over-priced tat shops (however Woolworths, Zavi, Land of Leather, Findus, Barclays, Miller Brothers, Adams, Wedgewood, Officers Club,...
Read full storyDisaster 'Possible' in Sleepy Village
As residents of quiet Bumbleton wake up this morning, little do they realise the potential danger they are in. Although in a remote part of Southern England, and far removed from any flight path, the Mayor of Bumbleton, Jeremy Pizzle admitted und...
Read full storyPigs Discovered To Be Grunting In French
Scientists working on a study in France have discovered that pigs in their experiments were not just making grunting sounds, but were actually speaking a little-used dialect from the area where they live! The extensive study, to examine the scient...
Read full storyRush-Bo The Adventure Begins
"The adventures of Rush-bo (the early years)" The scene opens with our zero, I mean hero, creeping through the blackness of the living room at 2AM, quiet as the VC he's read about online, looking for the PC's power button, trying not to wake his mom. Suddenly there's a stabbing sensation. Has he been attacked by an Iraqi? Speared by an angry Iranian President? No, he steped on a piece of L...
Read full storyAmerica's Chickens Have Come Home to Roost
Port Huron,Mi.- Just days before the inauguration, President-Elect Barrack Obama has a new problem to contend with, chickens! From New Haven, Ct. to Palm Beach,Ca., from Seattle, Wa to Key West,Fl., agriculture, wildlife and customs officials scrambl...
Read full storyIranian Attack
In this final week of George W Bush's Presidency, a man suspected of being an Iranian jaywalked in front of the White House this morning. President Bush immediately called an emergency meeting with Homeland Security and officially classified the...
Read full storyMonster erection appears on Tussauds' Obama waxwork
London - (Make-Mine-A-Whopper Mess): A huge twelve inch erection has suddenly appeared on the newly unveiled waxwork model of a 'beaming' Barack Obama at London's Madame Tussauds. "We noticed the unexpected appendage standing to attention this mo...
Read full storyMethane plumes 'proof of bovine lifeforms on Mars' says NASA
Cydonia - (Alien Cowshit/Bullshit Mess): NASA scientists reckon that recently discovered plumes of methane gas all point to a highly organised network of bovine lifeforms on the distant red planet. Three massive telescopes in Hawaii linked to the...
Read full storyWoz: Steve Jobs Has Been Dead For Years
Apple Inc.'s Steve Jobs has been dead for decades according to his former partner Stephen Gary "Woz" Wozniak. The fifty-nine year old admits that Jobs actually perished in a February, 1981, crash piloted by Wozniak. "I couldn't even remember the c...
Read full storyApple CEO in Medical Absence Shock
Apple CEO and technological visionary Steve Jobs has announced he is temporarily stepping down as Chief Executive of the company he co-founded to take medical leave. Apple spokesman Mac Fanboi denied reports that Jobs will not return, explaining t...
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe's Whorsewhisperer condom dilemma
Broadway - (Packet-of-Three Mess): Equus-the-Whorsewhisperer star Daniel Radcliffe has revealed why the Broadway show dumped the name of a horse character called 'Trojan' and changed it to 'Gelding'. "I'd been getting a lot of flack from critics b...
Read full storyHeathrow Chaos As Plane Lands On Third Runway, Before It's Even Been Built
There was absolute mayhem in Middlesex this morning, when a passenger flight attempted to land at Heathrow Airport's third runway, approximately two years before it has been built. The plane, a British Airways 747 on a flight from Tokyo, taxied ar...
Read full storyMinister's 'little green shoots' vision is tin-foil-hat-speak for 'little green men' Treasury winces
London - (WTF? Mess): Embarrassed Treasury officials have downgraded Business Minister Baroness Shifty Vadera's confident vision of 'little green shoots' of economic recovery to a classic sighting of 'little green men'. "The woman is a nutjob," Tr...
Read full storyPamida Junior Manager Proud Of New Toilet Plan
Hershaletta Henderson, 36, junior manager for Stringtown, Tennessee's Pamida store, told Stringtown Banner reporters Monday that she is very happy with her revamped work toilet policy, calling the poor-man's Wally-Mart company's previous guidelines "...
Read full storyEx-KGB spook bids for Daily Fascist
London - (Plutonium-210 Mess): A former KGB spy has put in a multi-million pound bid to buy Middle England's flagship rag The Daily Fascist. Alexander Lebedev, 69, is said to be hugely impressed with the Tory Central Orifice misinformation campaig...
Read full storyManchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo crashes second car
Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo has crashed a second car in as many days. It appears that on this occasion it was the inclement weather to blame, causing him to write off his £12,000 Skoda Favourit Cosworth in the driveway of his home.
Read full story2008's hottest couples
The nominations are: Jesse McCartney and Miley Cyrus Zac Efron and Anne Hestia Kevin Brody and Hilary Duff Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie John Mayor and Haylie Duff Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears, Sadly Vanessa Hudgens was left out this year because of her break up with Zac, Jesse and Justin. And the winners are: Zac and Anne… thought they haven't been together for long but as you...
Read full story'We're not mass-murdering cowardly war criminals' shock Israeli claim
The Israeli government today made a shock claim that they're not 'mass-murdering cowardly war criminals'. Speaking from the ruins of the United Nations building in Gaza, General Cowardi Kidkilla said:'We are not war criminals. (Send another air st...
Read full storyVice President Says Thank You For Past Eight Years Of Presidency
Thank you so very much, from the bottom of my acky breaky heart fot the past eight great years of serving as your President...uh, Vice President. If I knew how, I would smile at each and every one of you. Fortunately, I've brought along this mime and he's now coming out of his bullshit invisible cube and smiling for me. Thank you. Now get lost before I shoot you in the face, Idiot. I thought...
Read full storyObama's birth certificate found - inauguration speech explains
The elusive birth certificate indicates that Barrack Hussein Obama was first born in the Beetleguise constellation, six thousand four hundred and twenty seven years ago. In Obama's amazing inauguration speech, he explains that three planets formed...
Read full storyFinal debate between Bush and Obama
Today the American President and the President-elect had a final televised debate, shown on the Children's Soundbitten Channel. 'Senator Obama', the President said, 'let me first say firstly I congratulate you on your fine victory. You fought a good campaign, and I never misunderheard anything untoward in your speaking. Senator Obama, let me first - let me secondly say I, um, I know you will be...
Read full storyI'm throwing my arms around Harris!
Morrissey knew the release of his single would clash with that of mine but selfishly continued anyway. "I'm throwing my arms around Harris". An affectionate tribute to the entertainment genius that is Rolf Harris. Rolf was also incensed and threatened to return his Knighthood should he ever be given one. In addition he refuses to play any more Smiths and Morrissey numbers on his wobble board a...
Read full storyKaka Wouldn't Get Out Of Bed For £260,000
AC Milan star Kaka, has told fans of Manchester City that, although he would like the chance to play in the Premier League, and would relish the opportunity to help the Sky Blues to break out of the ever-present shadow of their city rivals Manchester...
Read full storyEllen Spotted at LA Fertility Clinic
An unconfirmed source reported to me today (around the time I was having my afternoon nap), that Comedian/Talk Show Host Ellen Degeneres was seen coming out of a downtown Los Angeles fertility clinic. It is widely speculated that Ellen and her par...
Read full storyCasablanca, 1943: Even the "Big 3" Go to Rick's
In the winter of 1943, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Winston Churchill and Charles De Gaulle converged on Casablanca to discuss Allied war plans. After an arduous day of strategies and tactics, they shuffled off to Rick's "Cafe Americaine" in order to unwind. After a couple of rounds of aperitifs, Charles ambled over to the piano and began tinkling on the "ivories." Unbeknownst to everyone, there...
Read full storyCar manufacturers fooling drivers
It has come to light that all car manufacturers from Fiat to Ferrari are fooling the people that buy their cars. The dashboards in all makes and all models are feeding drivers incorrect information in an attempt to make the driver feel that they a...
Read full storyMan City Fall for eBay Scam
Representatives of Manchester City FC have been left red-faced after falling for an eBay scam, we can exclusively reveal. Staff at the club, now the richest in the world since being bought in September 2007 by Sheikh Itallabout, became embroiled i...
Read full storyLos Angeles Clippers Lose Number 12 In A Row
LOS ANGELES, California - The NBA Los Angeles Clippers are playing more like the Los Alamitos Rowboats. They fell to the Atlanta Hawks 97-80, for loss number 12 in a row. Coach Mike Dunleavy said some reporter from Nevada asked him if he was super...
Read full storyGreen Broccoli Trees Dominate the Tundra: Palin Hires Green Giant
Predictions of global warming have painted frightening images of uninhabitable southern regions and disasterous ice and snow melts that would flood every coastal area. One forecast that has rarely made the news,science or otherwise has been the spont...
Read full storyRobinho Poops His Uniform Pants Waiting for KaKa
Manchester City landed the multi talented superstar Robinho despite rival offers from the Sheriff of Nottingham amd the Maid marion footballers. Robinho claims to glad to be a Mancity mauler but rumor has it that he is anxious to win some trophies.
Read full storyA Thousand Dead Gazan Corpses Argue for Peace
In a seemingly supernatural event, a thousand dead Gazans called out as with one voice for salaam and shalom. The thunderous sound of their voices contrasted dramatically with Barack Obama's silence since the Israeli invasion of gaza began. The o...
Read full storyForeign secretary, Lady Mildred Bland Delares War on Blair-Bush Terror Tactics
Lady Mildred Bland, British Foreign Secretary,has revealed her battle plans for the dismantling of the Blair-Bush terrorist anti-terrorism. Lady B, very late in the game and very confident of her liason with the new American president has launche...
Read full storyBin Laden Played Like a Bagpipe
It takes a crew of between six and nine terrorists to make the fragile leader of Al Qaeda "talk". It was related today that Osama Bin Laden can no longer talk on his own. That job is done by terrorists manipulating various parts of his body to make t...
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