Scolari sacked - Mourinho to return
Scolari sacked - Mourinho to returnPhil Scolari, the well respected manager of Chelsea, has been sacked tonight by club owner Roman Abramovich. The "Blues" managed to overcome a 1-0 deficit to beat unrated Southend United 4-1 in tonight replayed FA C...
Read full storyDisplaying total political naivete with his stupid remarks, David Miliband confesses to his Indian hosts: "I'm just a useless, ignorant British politician who doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground"
In the worst political faux pas that a PM-in-waiting can make UK foreign secretary David Miliband told an Indian TV channel that the Mumbai attack perpetrators "should be tried in that country so that the Pakistani judicial system (sic)takes its cour...
Read full storyNumber Six Dead
There has been sadness in the entertainment world today, after it was announced that Number Six, the star of the cult 1960s TV show, The Prisoner, had died in Los Angeles. Number Six, 80, succumbed after a short illness, but died a free man, not a...
Read full storyChavez/Castro to build link between their countries
Crackass, Monday - Hugo Chávez Frías, the mad Venezuelan dictator, announced that he and Raul Castrol agreed at their recent Caribbean Summit to build a road from Venezuela to Havana in Cuba. Venezuelan contractors are currently bidding for the Ca...
Read full storyCasting Surprises for Twilight Movie Sequel
Rumor has it that either Vanessa Hudgens or Brenda Song may be cast in the role of Leah Clearwater in the Twilight sequel. Now, according to industry sources, several other names have been mentioned as possible candidates for other roles. Among th...
Read full storyMinnesotan Senate Race Now A Permanent Tourist Attraction
The unending Minnesotan Senate race between Al Franken and Norm Coleman has become a permanent tourist attraction. Saturday Night Live fans, Republican staunchists, scoffers of politics in general and just plain people looking for an excuse to get dr...
Read full storySexy New Star Trek
Just how sexy will the new Star Trek movie be? Chris Pine, the film's star had hinted not too long ago that the upcoming version of the outer-space franchise has been "sexed up for the new generation." However, now he wants everyone to know that the...
Read full storyPolitical Correctness Goes Mad
After many months of speculation about his increasingly fragile mental state, last night Political Correctness finally snapped and had to be detained under the Mental Health Act. Passers-by in London's Piccadilly Circus were alerted to the errati...
Read full storyBush Declares "State of Emergency" as Cost of Obamanation Coronation Exceeds $70M!
Washington,DC/ Financial Times - With only days left before he leaves office, President Bush was faced with yet another economic crisis; The Rising Cost of the Obama Inauguration! Apparently, even with the current world wide economic melt down, sp...
Read full storyWill Smith to star as Hamlet
American actor Will Smith is to star as Hamlet, in a film version of the Shakespeare play which will be directed by Quentin Tarantino. This represents a change of direction, as previously Smith has appeared in such lighthearted films as 'Men In Black...
Read full storyGoats start fire in Iowa
NORWALK, Iowa - A group of goats may have started a fire that destroyed a home in central Iowa, firefighters said. The fire broke out early Tuesday near Norwalk. Three people in the house escaped unharmed. John Hadley said, "My cat woke me up...
Read full storyTreasury-Designee Geithner Slips Again
Another embarrassment for the man appointed by President-elect Barack Obama to take the helm of the Treasury Department. As Timothy Geithner stood to be sworn-in before the Senate Finance Committee, lawmakers gasped as he was not wearing any pants.
Read full storyMillions Of Frostbite Cases Expected Inauguration Day
(Washington DC) Authorities are expecting millions of loyal supporters to show for Obama at the inauguration next week. Authorities are also expecting millions of frost bite cases to plague the festivities. Temperatures are forecast to be in the t...
Read full storyWhoopi Goldberg 'Shoots' Ann Coulter in the Face on "The View"
Ann Coulter was the sultry centerpiece of hot girl-on-girl action on The View, unabashedly revealing her ass to millions (OK, maybe only thousands) of hard-core fans tuning in to watch Whoopi give the skinny little twinkie a long overdue spanking.
Read full storyHoda Wants Kathie Lee Gone
Sources close to the Today Show confirmed yesterday that Hoda Kotbe and Kathie Lee Gifford, hosts of the fourth hour of the Today Show, may no longer be hosting together. "There's been friction there since Kathie Lee joined the show," says a Today...
Read full storyFive-Nil to NATO in parasitology v Vatican parasychology dross
Rome - (Holy Ass Mess): NATO's top Professor of Diabolical Parasitology has asserted the global secular view that Pope 'Joe the Plumber' Ratzinger is clinically nuts. Prof V Smart says the Pope's latest attempts to demonize women by claiming the d...
Read full storyGreenland hit by credit crunch
Greenland has finally succumbed to the worldwide financial crisis that has hit every other country. With a population of twenty-nine, Greenland had thought itself immune from the financial implosion elsewhere, but that is no longer the case as th...
Read full storyDoggy Bakery Sued For Fraud
"There's no beagles in the bagels, no poodles in the popovers and no terriers in the tarts at Marge's Doggy Bakery...and that's fraud!" exclaimed Prosecuter Horace Crone. The whole sorrid affair came to light after a persistant would-be vendor c...
Read full storyNew Cellular Technology Announced
Cellular technology giant Erikzzon, will announce improved Blueteeth audio technology at their next earnings conference call scheduled for April 7th. Turning customer complaints into a unique solution that they hope will represent a windfall for the...
Read full storyNeed For A Patient Mechanic
Donald McAllister of London, England, bought a pet guinea pig for his son, Reginald. But by the time he got home, the little animal had somehow escaped from its box, so McAllister took his 24,000 pound (US$36,000) Mercedes to his usual mechanic with...
Read full storyNational Enquirer Praised For Edwards Coverage - A Must Read For True Believers
The Washington Post's Leonard Downie, executive editor-at-large has praised the National Enquirer over it's coverage of the John Edwards scandal on National Public Radio. Downie was on the "Fresh Aire" program when he made the statement to host, T...
Read full storyNAACP Agrees to Quota System for Inauguration Tickets:At Least 5% must Be Minority Whites!
Washington,DC/ Affirmative Action Times - In breakthrough negotiations with Church leaders and Congressional Peacemakers, the NAACP stuck a deal today to allow at least 5% of Inauguration goers to be "Fair Skinned Minority- Americans, a major concili...
Read full storyKaka to sign for Forfar Athletic
Brazilian football star Kaka today announced he was joining Forfar Athletic for £300 million. The A.C.Milan player said: 'All my life I wish to play in England, is not the money, though the £300 million will buy me some good coffee. I respect Forf...
Read full storyChina most internet users
China's fast-growing population of Internet users has risen to 298 million after passing the United States last year to become the world's largest, a government-sanctioned research group said. The amazing tech revolution in China will soon expand...
Read full storyMaster Chef rocked by controversy
The BBC's amateur foody programme, Master Chef, has been rocked by a series of controversies that have threatened to take the popular show from the airwaves. Master Chef has been running for the past fifteen years, and has showcased some of the be...
Read full storyMan appears before court on fraud charges
A 36 year old man from Eastbourne has appeared before the local Magistrates court charged with fraudulently misrepresenting Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The individual was arrested two weeks ago when Police discovered he had been attempting to pass h...
Read full storyMiraculous find reveals Chairman Mao's true secrets
How this miraculous find came about is not known, but some clues are given by the documents themselves. These Hand-caligraphed documents were found just fourteen hours ago, hidden between three pages of The Art of War, in the wall of a sixth floor house that was being demolished in Old Street, Kunming Yunnan. Most of the past fourteen hours have been spent in feverishly authenticating the document...
Read full storyDisgusted Chelsea Fan Bins Season Ticket
A drunken Chelsea supporter was so disgusted about his team's uncharacteristically shambolic performance in the 3-0 defeat against Manchester United on Saturday, that he went straight down to the Stamford Bridge ground after the game, and nailed his...
Read full storyExclusive: Bernie Madoff Interview
Disgraced investor Bernard Madoff remains free on bail after a judge rejected an attempt by prosecutors revoke his bail for mailing more than one-million dollars in jewels to family and friends. While Madoff remains in his 7-million dollar penthouse, Kevin Vandenbroek conducted this exclusive interview with Madoff as he remained under house arrest. KV: Thank you for agreeing to this intervi...
Read full storyToo Much Coffee Makes You See Ghosts
It's been revealed today by some nutter from somewhere or other that drinking seven cups of coffee a day or more increases the risk of seeing ghosts. Coffee related hallucinations are nothing new. In 1971 Gary Glitter drank some coffee and thou...
Read full storyGeneral Secretary of BNP suspended for being a BNP member
The General Secretary of the BNP party in Britain, Nick Goebbals, has been suspended indefinitely from his position by the party's Chairman when it was revealed last night that he is a member of the right-wing and often alleged racist BNP party. C...
Read full storyCameron Calls for Commons Reform
In an unprecedented statement, Opposition Leader David Cameron has described the workings of the House of Commons as "archaic" and called for urgent reform. Addressing the Batley Townswomens' Guild, Mr Cameron said that in these difficult times, i...
Read full storyDel Boy And Rodney All Set For New Series
The heat is on! - Del Boy and Rodney out of Only Fools and Horses are all set to make a comeback, as writer John Sullivan, who has beeen pitching the idea to the BBC for years explains: "I'd run out of ideas for Only Fools because once Del Boy act...
Read full storyChelsea 'Better' Than Southend - Scolari
Big Phil Scolari announced in a press conference today that Chelsea were a better team than Southend. Which should come as no surprise to seasoned football fans the world over, considering that the current squad of Chelsea players cost something i...
Read full storyCity In Audacious Bid For Kaka
Mega rich yet mega crap football club, Manchester City have launched an audacious £100 million bid for Brazilian midfielder cum striker cum kebab salesman Kaka, from AC Milan. City, for so long in the shadow of neighbours United, are determined to...
Read full storyBanker's Declaration of Dependence
In Congress, October 4, 2008 The unanimous Declaration of the fifty united Banks of America When in the Course of financial events, it becomes necessary for our banks to dissolve the financial bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect...
Read full storyRevealed - Diet For A Happy Life
Doctor Seymour Kuntz of the University of Alabama today announced that dietary choices have a direct correlation with a state of happiness. Previous wisdom has dictated that diets are usually depressing things, reliant on such antiquated concepts...
Read full storyPolo, The New KKK?
The Royal family's Polo Club has been added to the list of racist and possibly terrorist organizations. The Prince's of Polo, Harry and Will regularly refer to coloured teammates as Pakie and Sooty. Tapes reveal that Sambo and Nigga Jim have been use...
Read full storyShaved Pussies End Muff Diving Tradition
Muff diving has been a world wide tradition, an Olympic sport and an adolescent rite of passage for generations. A new generation and hair removing creams and slick bic razors have promoted the almost universal practice of the Bald Eagle. The cha...
Read full storyPigMeat Martin to Perform at Obama Inauguration
In a suspected response to Obama's invitation to soul-less brother Rick "Rabbit" Warren's tighty whitey comic invillication, black comedian Pigmeat Martin has been asked to deliver the closing remarks. Martin, famous for his mother in law jokes,...
Read full storySquirrel, Jimmy, Cracks Corn Despite Apathy
Tennessee University scientists have spent decades studying the squirrel for its nutritional value, its dexterity and its ability to stay thin. The UT publishing house has squirreled away dozens of dollars for its subsequent squirrel cook books,...
Read full storyBush's Crawford TX MailBX Stuffed with Americans 401k losses
As Bush bids a fond farewell to the oval office and eight years of destroying the world, an American campaign to send 401k, Roth's and every manner of failed retirement and bleeding investment account reports to the Bush's Crawford TX mailBX has been...
Read full storyArrested Man Admits He's Been Bad, Asks To Be Punished
Lawrence Schilling, 32, is charged by police with the running of S&M parties from his house. Actually, the charges are keeping a house of ill repute for lewdness, lending or selling articles for self abuse and, for good measure, assault on a poli...
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