California Fast Food Chain Names New Breakfast Special After Mom of Octuplets: Egg McMuslim!
San Francisco, CA/ Fertility Clinic News - A California fast food chain specializing in take out food for illegal aliens on the run, capitalized on the notoriety achieved by Nadya Suleman, the 33 year old unmarried mother of 14, including the recent...
Read full storyCBS New Reality Show "Arranged Marriages" Debuts with George Obama & Mom of 14!
Nairobi,Kenya/ SF/CA Combined Reality Show Mess - George Obama was bailed from jail today by Presidential Legal Counsel Greg Craig after his recent detainment for holding one (1) joint, other than his dick, in his shorts after a recent Kenyan pos...
Read full story'Filthy Lesbo Wildcats' Sordid Weekend Threesome on Mescalin' cast sue Superbowl XLIII
Los Angeles - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): The entire cast of seminal muff movie Filthy Lesbo Wildcats' Sordid Weekend Threesome on Mescalin is suing broadcasters of the Superbowl XLIII. Last weekend the film was being premiered on a Tuscon, Arizon...
Read full storyGhost Of Nixon Tries To Possess Blagojevich - Exorcism Needed
It was a horrendous scene on stage at the Oprah show. Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had just been introduced to the audience when suddenly his eyes were filled with a strange, luminously evil, inhuman look and he started speaking with a...
Read full storyShoe-Throwing Catching On In London!
A protester who threw a shoe at the Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao whilst the latter made a speech at Cambridge University today, did so in order to honour China's shoe manufacturing industry, it has been reported. The shoe, a Nike Airmax 700,...
Read full storyShoes R Us shares up by 6000%
Shares in high street store Shoes R Us shot up by 6000% this afternoon after more Shoes were flung at world leaders. In Cambridge a drunken student of bar science hurled a smelly trainer at the Prime Minister of China. The smell was almost unbearabl...
Read full storyU2's "The Edge" changes name to "Bono"
A spokeman for world topping band U2, has confirmed that the band's lead guitarist "The Edge" (real name David Howell Evans) has today finalised the legal documentation to change his name to "Bono". The lead signer of the band, "Bono" (real name P...
Read full storyBritish Banks critiscise Liverpool FC actions after Robbie Keane sale
A number of British banks have pointed to the "erratic" and "poorly executed" business decisions made by Liverpool FC and specifically Rafa Benitez today. The statements came almost immediately after Robbie Keane, bought by Liverpool in the summer...
Read full storyVillage under 17 foot of snow
The small village of Leigh near Tonbridge in Kent has officially become the snowiest place in Britain. The community is suffering under a staggering 17 foot of snow, the most since the last ice age The village was hit by a massive snowstorm last...
Read full storyGordon Brown Addicted to flumps!
News on Gordon Brown today as Chancellor Allistair Darling has said that he has an addiction to flumps. He says that Gordon just can't resist the temptation of the squidgy soft centre, the colourful, inviting exterior and of course, the memories o...
Read full storyFigures reveal MPs gravy train
Figures revealed under a Freedom of Information enquiry reveal today that MP's spend on average £4.38 per day each while at Parliament. Apart from their £63,000 salary and possible expenses of £131,000 (including employing their spouse at very ge...
Read full storyLondon To Host The 2009 Alaskan Dog Sledding Championship
LONDON, England - Londoners are experiencing the heaviest snowstorm in 18 years. The record snowfall has caused Heathrow Airport to be shut down. Even Amy Winehouse's bee-hive hairdo is completely covered with the white stuff (snow). One of her ne...
Read full storyCaptain Scott offers help to Johnson
There were amazing scenes in the centre of London today when Scott of the Antarctic made an unexpected appearance. The world famous explorer who died in 1912 went immediately to offer assistance to beleaguered mayor Boris Johnson. Captain Robert...
Read full storySuper Bowl interrupts scheduled porn
Tuscon, Arizona - (Super Ass Mess): A scheduled transmission of Filthy Lesbo Wildcats' Sordid Weekend Threesome was interrupted with 10 seconds of the Super Bowl XLIII on a Tucson, Arizona TV station last night. KPHWOA! TV released a statement say...
Read full storyDear Duff
Dear Duff I think I'm going crackers because I'm hearing voices all the time and I can't seem to get any peace. I go out to Strabucks and there are people talking - voices. I then go to the supermarket and hear people talking there also - more voices. But the worst thing of all is I may be lying in bed at night and then get up and press a tumbler against my neighbours wall. I can frequent...
Read full storyPensioner Dies of Fright
Police today launched a manhunt after a Twickenham pensioner was found dead at home. 75 year old Arnold Pubes was found in his one bedroom ground floor flat at 4 o'clock this afternoon, after suffering a heart attack. As the snow continued to fal...
Read full storySnowstorm Catches Britain Without Food, Viagra!
The British capital of London ground to a halt on Monday after the worst snowstorm in 18 years caused hundreds of flight cancellations and virtually halted public transportation and private entertainment, catching thousands of Londoners without food,...
Read full storyPunxsutawney Phill assassinated
Heart breaking news today out of Pennsylvania where police arrested a group of hunters for shooting Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog whose shadow made him famous because of his ability to predict the length of time until spring came. Phil saw his sha...
Read full storyConfectioner Releases new candy "Semen Squares"
Tasty Treats Inc. held a Press release stating that they will be intrducing a new candy called "Semen Squares" Made from the semen of healthy and fit 18-23 year old boys mixed with sugar and marshmellow. In the brief press statement Tasty Treats I...
Read full storyMichael Phelps Admits To Smoking...Whatever!
Olympic great Michael Phelps has acknowledged "regrettable" behavior and "bad judgment" after a photo in a British newspaper showed him smoking marijuana and a second pic showing him trying to light a hotdog. In a statement released to The Associa...
Read full storyRobbie Keane Forced To Rejoin Tottenham Against His Will
Robbie Keane, the striker who Liverpool signed from Tottenham Hotspur last summer, is furious tonight after the Merseyside club announced that he has been sold back to Spurs against his will. Despite being loved by the White Hart Lane faithful, Ke...
Read full storyClarkson almost tops UK charts
The world of rap music was today celebrating its newest sensation with the unexpected success of Jeremy Clarkson's debut album. Songs featured on The Best Rap Album....In the World include Top Gear, where the petrolhead sings about an encounter w...
Read full storyAirline has lady feeling crappy
In an odd event that happened Last nite around 8pm, local prostitute Susan Herpesore was walking to meet long time customer Gary Asitch when suddenly a brownish discharge fell on her head knocking her out. Am Air Ceo. Bob Sagat released the follo...
Read full storyRedknapp wraps up Keane deal, turns attention to Ramos
Negotiations with Robbie Keane appear to have been untangled, signalling the Irish strikers return from Liverpool after a brief and costly spell at the former title contenders. Harry Redknapp is said to be delighted that his masterplan was coming...
Read full storyWoman On Plane That Landed In Hudson River Luckiest Person Alive
Molly Lancaster says she's the luckiest woman in the world! She was on the U.S. Airways flight that crashed into New York's Hudson River recently, but she wasn't worried because she's like the proverbial cat with nine lives - and the plane crash w...
Read full storySenator Daschle Forgets To File Taxes Also
Republican and Democratic senators on Sunday questioned how former Senator Tom Daschle could make a $128,203 mistake on his taxes but said they were not prepared to oppose his nomination as health secretary. "You have to be troubled by it, but ap...
Read full storySpringsteen performs to millions, entertains hundreds.
In a multimillion dollar deal which saw some of The Boss' purist fans raise their eyebrows, Bruce Springsteen performed for a global audience of millions last night at the superbowl half time show. At the end of his 12 minute set only a very small...
Read full storyWoolworths develops special new software to service internet customers
Now that the Woolworths and Ladybird names have been rescued from obscurity and are about to become an internet business (much to the disgust of late-night revelers who now find that a Home Computer is a rather less convenient place to relieve themse...
Read full storyMichael Phelps in $10 million Twizla+ sponsorship
America - (Bong-Hits-4-Gold! Mess): Eight times Olympic gold medal winning US swimmer Michael Phelps is to smoke weed for the nation after accepting a $10 million sponsorship deal from cigarette paper manufacturers Twizla+ Jumbos. The announcemen...
Read full storyMass Arrest of MPs
In a stunning political move today the government announced that all opposition Members of Parliament have been arrested for sedition and treason. The cabinets new security leader Albemarle Pottingshed reported--"We have found virtually tons of...
Read full storyMick's lips to be preserved for posterity
Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger's lips will preserved and placed on permanent display in the British Museum after Jumpin'Jack Flash has gone to meet his maker. The Curator of the Museum announced that the exhibit would be unique and quite unlike...
Read full storyJohn Hurt in Explosion
A poorly worded headline in a national tabloid newspaper caused concern and consternation among the relatives and friends of British actor and national institution John Hurt. The headline was splashed across the billboards of the newspaper sellers...
Read full storyVorderman to Front Tory Numeracy Initiative
Former Countdown presenter Carol Vorderman has been hired by the Conservatives to front their new fiscal policy team, we can exclusively reveal. A spokesman for David Cameron said that the brunette brainbox was taking time out of her hectic schedu...
Read full storyNational Sickie Day: A Success
After the failure of National Sausage Day, and National Toilet Paper Day, the Department of Stupidly Named Days did not hold out much hope for the latest initiative: National Sickie Day. The first Monday in February has been dubbed National Sickie...
Read full storyStealing DNA is now illegal
The UK in conjunction with the European Union have made it illegal to obtain DNA without consent. In the past criminals have been caught after leaving a coffee cup or cigarette butt behind after an interview. This will no longer be an acceptable w...
Read full storySnow creates chaos across the UK
Britain faces paralysis today as ¼" of snow (about 1cm) fell overnight and actually settled in some places. "I came out to find some snow on my car this morning," said Major Ian Clement, "it was truly shocking." Near Arctic temperatures of -1C...
Read full storyCreationist Mythbusters, Episode 1
Hello readers. My name is Derek Dimbleby. Today joyously brings forth the birth of what I like to call 'Creationist Mythbusters,' a series of articles in which I, the master of knowledge and wisdom, permit YOU, the reader, to pose questions on nature, philosophy, and nature. I will answer some of them. The Bible is interpreted (that means, understood, readers) in lots and lots of ways. Some sin...
Read full storySpoof Writer Wants to Smoke a Joint With Michael Phelps
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - After British tabloid News of the World published a photo of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps using a water pipe, noted spoof writer cwthomson extended an open invitation to smoke a "fat-ass joint" with the champion swimmer.
Read full storyOlympian Michael Phelps and Presidential Sibling Caught Flaming Up a Fatboy at Inauguration in Porta Potty
What does an Olympic champion swimmer and a Kenyan half Brother of the President have in common? The two seem to have answered that question by getting arrested recently for love of the same Maryjane. Behind the Lincoln memorial while Barack Obam...
Read full storyHalf of Britons Do Not Believe in Evolution; The Other Half Worship Aslan the Creator Lion
On the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles darwin and the 150th celebration of the publication of his Origin of the Species, subjects believed to be members of the British species expressed some interesting views on the beginnings of life on ea...
Read full story"White-Out" as blizzards sweep London
Blizzards sweeping in from the north have disabled London - with the worst snow for 18 years. Airports and major roads are shut, and the railways are severely affected. London buses have been withdrawn. There is only a skeleton service on London...
Read full storyPope Ratzinger Zings the Jews, the Gays and the Wizards All in One Week
As church official in charge of the Office of the Holy Inquisition the German cardinal Ratzinger was infamous for his reactionary theology and really mean deeds on behalf of traditionalist Catholicism. He alienated and excommunicated brilliant progre...
Read full storyMother Nature Gives Big Ben a Snowjob
Londoners have never seen such snow! Meters and meters of the cold white stuff have piled up around the cemeteries, monuments and even have obscured the famous face of the great clock known as Big Ben. Tory politicians are taking the occasion t...
Read full storyNow it's "Rumble in the Kitchen"
Following George Foreman's successful second career with the "Lean Mean Grilling Machine", Muhammed Ali is entering the kitchen appliance market. Ali's "Supercool Cocktail Shaker" is to be launched tomorrow for £24.99 (8 euro) in a range of colours.
Read full storyNew Charles stamps causing problems
The design of new stamps, being prepared with the portrait of Prince Charles in the eventuality of the Queen's death, are causing problems for Royal Mail designers. The Prince, no oil painting, cannot agree a design "which encompasses all one's belie...
Read full storyFIFA President tattoes his testicles!
At an extraordinary press conference on Sunday, the FIFA President showed off his brand new bollocks to the worlds media. In response to growing concerns over whether South Africa can host the next world cup, he whipped off his trousers to show t...
Read full storyBlonde Scientist Finds Human Babies Incredibly Dumb
Philadelphia PA-- It turns out babies are incredibly stupid! That is the opinion of Dr. Barbi Doll of the University of Pencilvania. Dr. Doll just completed a 20-year study of babies from every income and ethnic group. She concluded human babies a...
Read full storyIsrael to fund Palestinian Space Program, Colonization of Mars
GAZA CITY - Despite yet another tentative ceasefire in the region, sporadic Palestinian rocket fire and mortars are still detonating in Israel following a brutal offensive meant to bring Hamas into submission. The offensive killed nearly 1300 Pa...
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