Paris Hilton new CEO of Shipping Giant
(Papershuffel, SC) In a move sure to cause increased activity on Wall Street tomorrow, FEDEX and UPS announced their merger after closing today.
Read full storyIn Search of the Calorie
Everyone knows that calories cause weight gain. But what is a calorie? Scientists believe that the answer to this question will not only cure obesity but also provide the key to understanding the nature of the Universe.
Read full storyNature's Viagra for Squirrels
Scientists in Washington DC have made a startling discovery this week while studying a group of grey squirrels at a local park.
Read full storyWill the Bush economic stimulus package benefit Mexico?
Congress is set to finalize the stimulus package that President Bush has proposed to help stimulate the U.S. economy. Checks hopefully will start going out around May. The stimulus package is a reaction to the sub-prime market meltdown and various in...
Read full storyHuckabee Claims Victory After Romney Withdrawal
Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee claimed victory today in the Republican presidential nomination process, after Mitt Romney dropped out of the race. "There's only three of us left," said Huckabee, "a...
Read full storyLimbaugh, Coulter and Hannity in Guarded Condition
SOMEWHERE IN A BUNKER, USA - The three superheroes of Truth, Justice, and the American Way, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity hosts of conservative right wing radio are purportedly under a twenty four hour medical alert.
Read full storyRon Paul Withdraws From Campaign, Announces Coup
Lake Jackson, Texas - Ten term Republican Congressman and internet phenomenon Ron Paul announced today that due to his poor showing on Super Tuesday he would drop out of the race for the Republican nomination.
Read full storyDavid Beckham sobs after nervous breakdown
In a moment captured by the world media, David Beckham was shown on TV sobbing uncontrollably after his wife Victoria rode off with his favourite toy - his wife's pink polka-dotted blouse.
Read full storyTiger Woods: "Roger Federer is ugliest man in sport"
Tiger Woods has defended Andy Murray after Roger Federer's unprovoked verbal volley against the British tennis player's lack of looks.
Read full storyKate Moss livid at paper's headless corpse link
London - (Decapitated Mess): Supermodel Kate Moss is mad as hell today following reports in a London evening paper linking her to the discovery of a headless corps found rolled up in a duvet and stuffed inside a supermarket trolley.
Read full storyIowa Man Reverses Decision to Donate Foreskin to Rabbi's Museum
Harley Henry Hardon, of South Bluff City, Iowa, has reneged on his pledge to donate his Foreskin to a Museum that exclusively displays foreskins from different countries. Hardon, who was circumcised at age 52, because, "The dang thang just quit...
Read full storyRomney quits race, still wants war
Mitt Romney dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination on Thursday, saying he was the only true War Candidate, and that others are just giving lip service in backing the conflict in Iraq.
Read full storyRomney bombs
Washington AC/DC - (Ass Mess): Mitt Romney has pulled out of the White House race after a string of creditors demanded immediate repayment for campaign-related bills.
Read full storyQueen given £3m to make crumbling Kate Middleton safe
London - Preposterous Mess): The UK's top royal benefit scounger has managed to blag a £3 million swagbag to shore up a disastrous PR campaign that promoted desperate wannabe somebody Kate Middleton as the next House of Windsor bride.
Read full storyBritney in Schwarzenegger 'vagina landfill site' appeal
Los Angeles, California - (Detox Mess): Britney Spears has petitioned California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's private orifice after her Mom told LA psych ward directors the singer's problems all lay in a toxic vagina that "had seen m...
Read full storyEd-E-torial 21: Wheelchair Bob Answers Your E-mails
(New York-NY) Thanks for e-maling Wheelchair Bob. We got so many that we decided to give him some special time in this Ed-E-torial.
Read full storyBernanke Announces Ron Paul $3 Bill
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced that the Fed would start printing a $3 bill with a picture of Ron Paul on it, as part of a larger plan to stimulate the economy. The Fed hopes that the infusion of billions of the $3 bills will st...
Read full storyLimbaugh Lines Up Against McCain
Rehab, NC: Rightwing radio host Rush Limbaugh announced his support for Democratic candidates Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama today, denouncing fellow Republican John McCain as "too liberal".
Read full storyDuke Beats Tarheels; Krzyzewski Denies Cheating
The Duke Blue Devils beat the North Carolina Tarheels last night in an exciting game. The "Dukies" mostly did it with great shooting, while the Heels did not shoot well. Coach Mike Krzyzewski denied allegations that Duke cheated in its win,...
Read full storyLiar Dreams 'Fantastic Dream'
A man was being treated in hospital today after walking into Paddington Green Police Station, and telling officers there of a most extraordinary dream that he had experienced two nights ago. Anthony Bliar, 54, told astonished officers that he had...
Read full story"Wilson" Star of "Castaway" Rescued" and is to be Reunited with Actor Tom Hanks
In what Tom Hanks described as "A miracle", the sea faring Wilson, who was tragically dislodged from his raft in the movie "Castaway," and given up for dead, has washed ashore near Naples, Florida. After nearly seven years his jo...
Read full storyVast Conspiracy Denounced
David Irving, the holocaust denier, launched his latest epic saga at a media event in Dachau today. Irving, of indeterminate age, said the new book will shake the very foundations of the major nations, and rattle fillings in others.
Read full storyInterest Rates Cut But Who Put Them Up in the First Place?
The brave captain of the Bank of England has grabbed the controls back from a bad person who was steering it towards the rocks while he made a cup of tea.
Read full storyFreed Gun Teacher Vows To Carry On Crusade Against Crime
A woman schoolteacher who was jailed for firing a gun at vandals in Manchester in 2004, has been freed on a 'technicality', and has vowed to continue her fight against crime and anti-social b...
Read full storyBritain Shamed by Sober Teenagers
Shock waves reverberated through Britain's corridors of power when it was disclosed that a gang of sober teenagers had been found on a notorious London council estate, committing absolutely no crime whatsoever.
Read full storyPolice Jobs Could Be Done By Chimps, Says Report
A report by a senior policeman claims that many of the jobs that are currently the responsibility of uniformed members of the police, could, with equal efficiency, be undertaken by chimpanzees, enabling officers to g...
Read full storyJohn McCain Converts to Scientology
Republican presidential hopeful John McCain announced today that he has converted to Scientology.
Read full storySarkozy and Bruni engaged in spectacular divorce proceedings
In an extraordinary twist of events, it was announced today in Paris that the newly-wed couple Sarkozy - Bruni was to part ways with immediate effect. The French President and his model wife were only married last week in a secret ceremony.
Read full storyTypical Day at UCLA for Britney Spears' Vagina
UCLA - Britney Spears' vagina revealed today what a typical day is like at UCLA.
Read full storyGenetically Modified Banana Escapes from Secret Government Facility
Oak Ridge, Tennessee - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued an All Points Bulletin (APB) for a genetically modified banana that went missing over the weekend.
Read full storyYellow-bellied Marmots Actually Will Hurt You, Study Finds
Despite its name, the Yellow-bellied Marmot (or Rock Chuck) has the capability to inflict very nasty wounds if provoked.
Read full storyOn On Obama!
The world's foremost 'drinking club with a running problem' will officially endorse Democratic candidate Barack Obama for the presidency of the United States.
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Names Newest Grandson After Barack Obama
Osama Bin Laden left the hiding place of his cave to celebrate the birth of his latest grandson. As there is already another grandson named Osama, he had to choose another name. He opted for Obama, after his favorite American politician.
Read full storyFrench President Doesn't Care For Brunei Baggage
When the current French President married Carla Brunei, the daughter of the Sultan of Brunei, he did not know that there was baggage involved. Said a government spokesman who asked to remain anonymous and to only be identified by the initials J.B.,...
Read full storyBritney Spears Gets New Tattoo After Mental Hospital Release
Britney Spears checked herself out of a Los Angeles mental hospital today and celebrated her release with a new tattoo. Body paint artist Juan Orozco gave the Pop Princess a multi colored image that Britney said should keep her out of trouble and he...
Read full storyTexas Rangers Hire Nolan Ryan As Team President
Nolan Ryan owns the major league baseball record with seven no-hitters. He also won over 300 games and pitched in 27 different seasons, five of them for the Texas Rangers. He announced today that he is coming out of retirement to lead the Rangers a...
Read full storyMiami Heat Trade Shaq
The NBA's Miami Heat announce a blockbuster trade that will send Shaquille O'Neal away from the sunny Florida shores. The all pro center is a 14 year veteran and has been with the team since coming from the L.A. Lakers.
Read full storyBritney Spears Released From Mental Hospital
Britney Spears quietly left the Los Angeles mental hospital that had been her home for just over a week. The pop star left almost three weeks before her scheduled release. Soon, she was being followed by reporters and a media helicopter. Spears...
Read full storyRon Paul and Jamie Spears to Guest Star With Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana
President Nixon said "Sock it to me" on Laugh In. President Clinton played the saxophone on the Tonight Show for Jay Leno. Now, Presidential Candidate Ron Paul will guest star on the Disney Channel tween hit show Hannah Montana.
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