Written by Richard Cranium

Thursday, 7 February 2008

image for John McCain Converts to Scientology

Republican presidential hopeful John McCain announced today that he has converted to Scientology.

Under the guise of a fundraiser with members of the Hollywood elite, Sen. McCain met behind closed doors with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Kirstie Alley, and John Travolta for over two hours. When the Arizona Senator emerged from the meeting, he announced confidently that he has completely embraced the tenents of Scientology and Dianetics, and will begin at once to "achieve certainty of my spiritual existence and my relationship to the Supreme Being".

Many GOP pundits describe Sen. McCain's conversion as political suicide, although some believe the move is pure genius. Bill O'Reilly stated on his show, "Romney's a Mormon, Huckabee's a Baptist, Obama's a Muslim, Clinton's a broad, so McCain needs something besides being an old white guy. The 'Supreme Being' angle covers all of 'em."

Edward Simmons of the Arizona Republic wrote, "The brainwashing power of Scientology is far greater than the brainwashing power of Fox News. It's a very strategic alliance for someone who advocates 100 more years in Iraq."

The move may also be a boon to Sen. McCain's floundering fundraising efforts, as many wealthy Scientologists are contributing heavily to the campaign. A source close to McCain has told us, "The flow of money into the campaign began almost instantly after the announcement." Coincidentally, the Clinton and Obama camps both report a sharp decline in campaign contributions beginning roughly at the same moment.

A member of the Clinton campaign staff who asked to remain nameless told us, "I don't think there's any way we can keep up with a Scientology funded campaign unless we start selling the Lincoln Bedroom sex tape. Uh, this is off the record, right?" When asked about the existence of such a tape, Mrs. Clinton became infuriated and stormed out of the room, leaving Bill Clinton standing there alone.

When Mr. Clinton was asked about the existence of a tape, he bellowed loudly, "No, absolutely not!" Then looked toward the door and whispered, "Shut up, man. I was saving that."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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