GM Loses $38Billion; "I Just Saw it Last Week," Executive
Dearborn, Michigan General Motors Corp. reported today that it lost US$38.7Billion in FY 2007. But GM Executive Charles Wherzet had high hopes of recovering the money. "I just saw it last week on the conference room table. It ca...
Read full storyDolly Parton's "wagging puppies" sparks an international incident
Branson, Missouri - Dolly Parton's is to undergo emergency breast and nipple reduction surgery to relieve a chronic backache. It is the sixth time she has been under the knife for recurring medical condition that she has had since the 5th grade.
Read full storyWestlife to make public apology for millions of awful records
The following is a leaked press release on behalf of Westlife:...
Read full storyMexico Earthquake Unleashes Duck Billed Dinosaur
Monte Tranquillo, Mexico (IPP) - Scientists and Mexican government authorities reported at 3:15 PM today that the 6.7 magnitude earthquake that occurred in Southern Mexico has opened a gap in the earth from which over 200 Duck Billed dinosaurs escape...
Read full storyBrunei's Prince Jefri suspected in £84 million Nazi-link art heist
Zurich, Switzerland - (Thieving Mess): Brunei's Prince Jefri Archer is the top suspect behind the £84 million art heist from the Buehrle Museum.
Read full storyJames Brown Version of The Bible Supplants King James Version
Mephistopholville, Tennessee (IPP) - Bible publishers in this Southern Baptist stonghold announced to the public today that The James Brown version of the Bible has now sold more copies than the King James Version.
Read full storyClemens Shows Balls In Front of Congress, Proves Innocence
Roger 'the Rocket' Clemens went all out to prove his innocence at Wednesday's Congressional committee hearing.
Read full storyValentines Day Name Change Bill in Congress
Washington DC (IPP) - Congress will vote today on Bill HR569 which will determine as to whether or not to change the name of Valentine's Day to J. Edgar Hoover Day. It appears that conservative members of Congress will succeed in getting this le...
Read full storyAlex Jones Must be Stopped!
A NOTE TO MY FAITHFUL READERS: Although the following was apparently authored by my future self, it was obtained through a colleauge using an unconventional method of clairvoyant forecasting known as "automatic writing"...
Read full storyBritain Has it's OATS (old age thugs)
According to police sources, Britain's streets are now no-go areas as gangs of elderly thugs are gathering around off-licences and Bingo Halls making general nuisances of themselves. Already this week 3
Read full storyWilliams sister accused of being a brother
Maria Sharapova caused a storm yesterday after her game with Serena Williams, hinting the Florida beauty may actually be man.
Read full storyEllen Page wins big in Juno
Tuesday, Ellen Page received an Oscar for best actress in "Juno", a comedy about a pregnant teen. "Juno" also received three more Oscar nominations.
Read full storyRev Pat Robertson's rants vindicated as lightning strikes Rio's Christ the Redeemer
Rio de Janeiro - (Ungodly Mess): The Reverend Pat Robertson is in fine fettle this week after living proof that the Almighty is finally siding with him about ungodly papists ruining religion.
Read full storyChina Eyes U.S. Erection With Caution
Beijing, China (IPP) - Chinese officials are eyeing the upcoming US Erection with caution. Officials there say it is impossible to predict who will be the next president.
Read full storyExecutive Order Changes Integer Sequence
Dude Ranch, TX - George W Bush issued an executive order today reducing the number of Americans under fire in Iraq to a low of 140,000, down from the 2006 high of 130,000.
Read full storyQueen's orifice regularly checked for buggers Diana inquest told
Royal Courts of Justice - (Risible Mess): Buggery attempts raged rampant in the Queen's private orifice at Buckingham Palace the coroner was told today at Princess Diana's inquest hearing.
Read full storyBalmoral's 'mystical' white stag a spooky omen for Puppet Monarchy
Balmoral Castle, Scotland - (Premonition Mess): The sudden appearance of a 'mystical' and ghostlike white stag in the craggy grounds abutting Balmoral Castle has sent shivers of trepidation among locals who fear it portends imminent doom for...
Read full storyHeather Mills going for broke
Heather Mills hopes to strike it rich in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney after the failed photographer and one-legged hoofer never quite measured up to First Lady status among the Beatles' women.
Read full storyJihadi extremists penetrated Heather Mills divorce court told
London - (Fetid Ass Mess): A senior divorce judge heard today Paul McCartney's testimony that Heather Mills had been penetrated by Abu Hamza.
Read full storyCupid Found Dead
Cupid, one of the smallest yet most powerful cherubs has been found dead.
Read full story100 homeless crack dealers petition Mayor after Camden fire
Camden Lock - (Arson Mess): London Mayor Ken Livingstone is being petitioned for a £££ handout by some 100 crack den owners who lost their homes and livelihoods during the weekend's blaze at Camden Lock.
Read full storyBig Brother top techno-geek's Dubai bust sparked US Chinese spying arrests
Dubai, UAE - (Spooky Mess): A top technology wiz for the Big Brother UK reality TV show is still languishing in a Dubai slammer after being arrested on January 26 following a year-long CIA surveillance op that yesterday tail-ended with the d...
Read full storyWith Islam the Number One UK Religion What Will Happen to Underachieving Christians?
Islam, a religion once noted for fundamentalism and terrorism, has made such inroads into the UK that its devout followers now work in Government and key public utilities, Christians have been warned.
Read full storyBryan Robson Admits He Can't Manage Football Teams To Save His Life
Struggling Bryan Robson the manager of struggling Championship strugglers Sheffield United, could be on his way out of Bramall Lane, according to some gossip I heard on the bus.
Read full storyFDIC Offers Chihuahua Giveaway and Free Trips to Disneyland and Las Vegas
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) is now offering additional bonuses to depositors who have lost their life savings as US banks fail and as they receive minimal deposit insurance under new FDIC rules. Meanwhil...
Read full storyMosquitos Come Under Fire From Children's Group
A children's group has called for the eradication of the Mosquito, saying it is grossly unfair to the young, and is indiscriminate in targeting them.
Read full storyDemocratic Race Too Close To Call, 'Superdelegates' Summoned
US and A - As the race for president heats up, Democratic candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton must now focus their attention on courting the so-called "Superdelegates" who may well decide their fate.
Read full storyBuster and the Baby angel, chapter 20
Dearer reader, Because we have been away from each other for so long (Abcess makes the hard on grow harder) I cannot help but hurt from wonder if you recall the previous 19 chapters of the gross buster and the coup de grass baby angel. Will it be worth your precious time to plumb the dark depths of this sequel . . . or will you just join us in Chapter 20 and say the Buster Fuckhead (see Ch 1) with...
Read full storyOH, I, ET McCrone Am Back!
Sent to the mattresses as the Seecileeanns might say, after Sweet William's rejection (see Magazine, pointer, April 17, 2007) I, ET McCrone has emerged after a six month "Sleep" to rejoin the campaign which I practically and impractically began! First, a bit of history. . . Perhaps you remember 2007, January 22-23 when I first launched my campaign:...
Read full storyCEO JC Says Financial Wisdom Dictates Closing Poor Neighborhood Churches
Catholic dioceses and arch have been shuttering very old churches in poor neighborhoods to the shudders of lifelong parishioners. At the same time new parishes like St Yuppy of Scarsdale have been opening newly constructed Ecclesio-Mansions in areas...
Read full storyBush Immunity: The 'I Know-Nothing' Defense
Unlike Clinton who seemed to know everything and therefore was vulnerable to every attack on his integrity, wisdom and discretion, GWB has found a weird kind of immunity in his ignorance.
Read full storyClinton bumps manager, will grind out campaign
Hillary Clinton replaced campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle on Sunday after what insiders called the Pantsuit Debacle.
Read full storyStates Lining up to be the primary for Old Sparky
GUANTANAMO, Cuba - Prosecutors are seeking the death penalty for the alleged conspirators in the killing of nearly 3000 people in 2001. The trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Mohammed al-Qahtani, Ramzi Binalshibh, Ali Abd al-Aziz Ali, Mustafa Ahmad al-...
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