Staff attack passengers at Heathrow's Terminal 5
Hundreds of workers at Heathrow's Terminal 5 started to brawl just hours after it opened, it emerged last night.
Read full storyDamned are released early due to overcrowding in hell
Satan has announced that souls who had previously been damned for eternity will be released before this term, after he announced that numbers had reached record levels.
Read full storyAlistair Darling hospitalised after near suffocation by his eyebrows
The chancellor of the exchequer was rushed to hospital last night after he was found in his apartment, with his eyebrows covering his mouth and nose.
Read full storyRon Paul To Change Campaign Slogan
GOP Presidential hopeful Ron Paul announced today that an official campaign slogan change will take place very soon. The original slogan, "Hope for America" will be changed to "Ron Paul = Constitution, Not Prostitution."...
Read full storyCheney gives unprecedented tour of "Veep Cave."
Two weeks ago, Vice President Dick Cheney gave Washington Times reporter Bob Cobb an exclusive, first ever tour of the VP's secure residence where he stays between speeches and appearances on FOX news shows. The location is obviously top secret, and Cobb had to endure hours wearing a blindfold and earplugs before reaching his destination.
Read full storyTom Cruise Loses His Looks - Calendar Industry Worried
Celebrity hearth-throb Tom Cruise has been a pin-up for thousands of fans the world over ever since his big Hollywood breaks in Top Gun and Risky Business, but time has caught up on him and he is literally falling apart.
Read full storyFirst Pregnant Man, Thomas Beatie, psychoanalyzed by Dr. Phil
Burbank, California - As part of his contract with Oprah (Harpo Productions), Dr. Phil has arranged to be the first and only psychiatrist to date to be afforded the opportunity to psychoanalyze the world's first pregnant man, Thomas Beatie. Condu...
Read full storyPunch up on the set of bananas in pajamas the sex-ed movie
It has finally come to pass. The classic children's show has finally been made into a full length block buster movie featuring such heroic gay actors as John Barrowman and Mr Hal Gibson.
Read full storyFishing trip goes terribly wrong for The Doctor
The infamous 'doctor who' found himself in dire straits when a formless minion ate his beloved assistant Beyonce Castle.
Read full storyPhilip hospitalised amid rumors 'he caught something from Carla Bruni'
London - (Ass Mess): The Duke of Edinburgh was rushed to hospital today after Buckingham Palace officials became worried he had 'caught something nasty' from Carla Bruni last week.
Read full storyOfficial - Scafell Pike no longer England's highest Peak
Many a climber and walker over the years have struggled up Scafell Pike in the Lake District to "bag" England's highest Peak at 978m. Well the unfortunate news is that nearby Scafell has now been measured and confirmed as the ho...
Read full storyPrince Philip In Hospital With STD
Prince Philip has been admitted to hospital after Royal medical experts said he had contracted a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD), Buckingham Palace has announced. It's thought it may be one of the &quo...
Read full storyCypress Hill Ask waitresses to dance in video
Latino rappers Cypress Hill have asked 3 local waitresses to dance in their next video after meeting the girls at a diner in San Diego.
Read full storyChristian Chavez is not gay says latina from San Diego
Christian Chavez, a singer for the Mexican pop group RBD, has announced that he is not gay after photographs of him kissing a sexy hot chick were splashed on the internet.
Read full storyAn Interview With Emma Watson
After interviewing two of the Hogwarts threesome I felt it only rude not to complete the set, so here goes my interview with Emma Watson AKA Miss Know It All Hermione Granger.
Read full storyNaomi Campbell Donates Her Heart, Kidneys and All Her Money to Charity
(London, England) Naomi Campbell was released from jail today and shocked the world. She announced her plan to donate all her belongings, including internal organs, to charities around the world. The spiritual conversion came after a long night of s...
Read full storyTo Constitution or not to Constitution, that is the question.
Whether tis freedom limited to rhetoric and laughter, To ignore centralized economic planning...
Read full storyMosley hooker: 'You should see his Colditz playpen!'
London - (Lurid Ass Mess): One of Max Mosley's hookers has told reporters about a subterranean Colditz-style playpen that the seedy old fascist has installed in his Pratts Bottom country home in Bedfordshire.
Read full storyBernanke Blows Bubble
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced a new plan to save the US economy, at a press conference in Chicago. Standing next to the Dubble Bubble factory, Bernanke promised to blow the economy back up the old fashioned way, wit...
Read full storyQueen's Horse "Norfolk n Chance" 10,000 to 1 Outsider to Win the Grand National
Bookmaker Dwain Chambers has been offering odds of 10,000 to 1 on the Queens horse Norfolk n Chance completing both circuits of the gruelling Aintree Race Course let alone win the race.
Read full storyMugabe admits to nothing
Zimbabwean President/former President (who really knows?) Robert Mugabe, has refuted claims that he is no longer the President of the country.
Read full storyForeigner Eats Live Hamster
Shoppers were startled at an East London pet store when a foreign customer proceeded to bite the head off a live hamster.
Read full story14,000 Year Old Shit Proves North America Has Been Full of it for a Long, Long Time!
Archaeologists have discovered human droppings in a cave in North America that date thousands of years earlier than original evidence of a human presence in North America.
Read full storyPope Ratzinger Will Go to NYC Synagogue to Convert the Jews!
In conformity with the millennium old Good Friday prayers of the Roman Catholic Church, Holy Father Pope Ratzinger will visit a NYC synagogue in order to convert the Jews.
Read full storyBDS, Basra Desertion Syndrome Spreads from British to Iraqi Army
As the UK kiddies of the Bush-Blair colonial wars in Iraq came to realize that they were sold down the Thames to the Tigris-Euphrates by a British PM who had become infatuated with a Texan Cowboy, this Light Brigade ran from Iran and Iraq for the hil...
Read full storyLeno and Letterman to Dominate Fall Campaign!
Johnny McC, Hillary and BH Obama have so desperately fallen all over themselves and each other to prove that they can be almost as cool as late night TV hosts that the hosts have decided to run for the Presidency and the Parties have decided to back...
Read full story81% of US Headed in Wrong Direction
Observers of the great American life estimate that over four out of five USA'ers are headed in the wrong direction.
Read full storyPregnant Man on Oprah leaves Middle and High school biology teachers caught between their profession to pursue truth and political correctness in the media
Bend, Oregon - The controversy in Thomas Beatie, a transgender male claiming to be the first pregnant man has the scientific community coming under political pressure it has not experienced since the Catholic Church put Galileo Galilee under house ar...
Read full storyLocal VCR, 13, Unused For Years, Dies
(New York) A JVC VCR was pronounced dead Thursday evening, it's lifeless plastic body failing to respond to repeated presses of the On/Off button.
Read full storyNaked photos of Tom Cruise go for millions
Naked photos of hunky Tom Cruise have been sold for a million dollars and the new buyer of them is none other than George Michael.
Read full storyCall Girl Is Born Again
NEW YORK - Amber, an escort with the Diamond Dust Agency, wants the whole world to know she is born again. "I figured if I could get on my knees for a john, I could, like, get on my knees for the Lord, you know?", she said. Amber said she prefers...
Read full storyI Am The Neighborhood Lothario
HICKSVILLE - Hi, my name is Spot. Your yard or mine? Want to do it here? Ignore those passing cars. That was great.
Read full storyCat Plans Human Attack
BUFFALO - Snickers, a domestic shorthair, has said he is planning to attack the human who lives in the house, while he sleeps.
Read full storyMax Mosley's Nazi orgy totally wicked says Prince Harry
Buckingham Palace - (Lurid Ass Mess): "Grandma should give him a gong," Prince Harry laughed today as UK tabloids continued to rip into daft Nazi S&M orgy fan Max Mosley.
Read full storyFrench Recording Has Satanic Message
PARIS - The Reverend Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church has announced that the phonoautograph recording of Au Claire De La Lune has a Satanic message, when played backwards.
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