First Pregnant Man, Thomas Beatie, psychoanalyzed by Dr. Phil

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Friday, 4 April 2008

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Dr. Phil bites off more than he can chew in an interview with Thomas Beatie, the world's first pregnant man

Burbank, California - As part of his contract with Oprah (Harpo Productions), Dr. Phil has arranged to be the first and only psychiatrist to date to be afforded the opportunity to psychoanalyze the world's first pregnant man, Thomas Beatie. Conducted in Dr. Phil's recently refurbished Burbank studio (a personal gift from Oprah) before a live audience, it is believed to be the last know interview conducted with Thomas Beatie before he went into seclusion with his wife and soon to be born child.

"I'll be quite frank with you Thomas," said Dr. Phil, while taping an interview with now world famous Thomas Beatie. "May I call you Thomas? Good. Listen, Thomas, I won't beat around the bush here. I'm going to ask you directly what's on the mind of every red-blooded American male and wants to know right now. Why? Why in the hell did you do it? Are you stupid or dumb or something? Tell me what it is. Because, to tell you the truth, if you would have come to me first, I would have given you drugs and lots of them, at least until you came to your senses and changed your mind or went into menopause. Or maybe had an anvil fall out of the blue sky and hit you on the head or maybe you ran off a cliff while chasing a roadrunner. I don't know. Something, anything but this!"

Dr. Phil went on to tell Beatie that he had everything in the world going for him. A lovely wife, two grownup kids he did not have to support and a stay at home job writing a book about unresolved mother issues that his pregnancy can only help to promote.

"Tell [me] Thomas," said Dr. Phil. "Is that the real reason you decided to get pregnant, to promote your book? Because that sounds a lot like what a guy would do, or is this part of some elaborate book promotion stunt dreamt up your publisher? Awe; come on now damn it, you can tell me. I'm Dr. Phil."

Dr. Phil then reached out to Beatie, taking his hand and stroking it gently while leaning his ear toward him as if expecting him to whisper his secret into it. All the while repeating his request that he be upfront with him and confess it was all a publicity stunt for a book tour.

Unfortunately, Thomas Beatie, who is just beginning to show and still suffering from morning sickness suddenly, leaned forward into Dr, Phil's ear began projectile vomiting profusely.

Stagehands attempt to rush to both their aid, but Beatie had just stopped off at the Soup Exchange restaurant to satisfy her cravings for Pea soup with bacon bits, sardines and feta cheese an hour or so before the taping.

Last reports, still projectile vomiting, Beatie showed little or no signs of stopping as he headed off into the direction of the studio audience, who scattered before him running, screaming and slipping on the studio floor.

Dr. Phil was heard to exclaim, "Awe, not on the seats. I just got those."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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