Tube Suicide Bomb Man Jailed, or even Gaoled
A civil servant who claimed to be a drunken Muslim Scottish suicide bomber has been jailed.
Read full storyResearch reveals that 4% of Radio 1 listeners are totally deaf
Research has revealed that 4% of Radio 1's current listeners are totally deaf, while the other 96% are completely tone deaf.
Read full storyDavid Blaine holds in his own ego on Oprah
Delusionist David Blaine, held his ego in check for a full seventeen minutes 4 seconds on the Oprah Winfrey show today.
Read full storyMajor Breakthrough in Pathology
SKOKIE, Illinois (AP) -- Scientists at Devonshire Elementary rejoiced today as newly discovered evidence pointed the way to a stunning pathological breakthrough. According to new research, the debilitating disease known as "Cooties" is now...
Read full storyStory of Austrian man keeping daughter in cellar for 24 years reminds Vermont women to take muffins out of the oven.
Cynthia Palmer, a stay at home mother from Vermont, was watching the television on Monday. She was watching the emerging story of the Austrian abuse scandal, which reminded her the she had left her blueberry muffins in the oven.
Read full storyDrunken Mongolian Christmas party reveals eggnog to be a yak aphrodisiac.
Feeding a yak eggnog has found to result in an almost immediate raging erection.
Read full storyAliens Finally Find What They're Looking For In Man's Anus
LOUISVILLE - Aliens from another galaxy announced today that they had finally found what they had been seeking for the last fifty years of human history.
Read full storyLesbos rejects lesbians, especially Rosie O'Donnell
A Greek court has been asked to draw the line between numerous annoying gay women on television and the natives of the Aegean Sea island of Lesbos.
Read full storyShares in Sharing Drop
The once popular business of sharing has met with stiff opposition from greedy bastards and is seriously in decline.
Read full storyMyspace registration mandatory for Utah residents by 2011
In what is sure to become a controversial new bill, the Utah State Senate passed a bill last Thursday requiring MySpace registration for all Utah residents by 2011. The bill is a sweeping attempt at cracking down on counterfeit driver's licenses...
Read full storyNew AA program encourages drinking to curtail sagging AA memberships
Alcoholics Anonymous, the rehabilitation program founding in the 1930's to aid those with alcoholism, began testing an outreach pilot program this month to curb sagging membership rates.
Read full storyLas Vegas loses title of 'Sin City' to West Jordan, Utah
It turns out that tourists heading to Las Vegas in search of a riotous and 'sinful' vacation may actually find better luck in Nevada's eastern neighbor.
Read full storyPizza Shed To Introduce New "Lard Lovers" Pizza
Kokomo, Indiana - Lovers of Pizza Shed pizza were thrilled today when it was announced that the corporation would be introducing its new "Lard Lovers" pizza sometime in May.
Read full storyPregnant polygamy girls' ultrasounds show images of Jesus
Eldorado, Texas - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): One hundred pregnant under-eighteen year-olds taken from the Yearning For Zion polygamy nutters' hellhole have stunned doctors after ultrasound scans showed images of Jesus in their wombs.
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe Demands A Recount
The 2008 Rich List put Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe as the richest kid under 30 in the UK, and the 33rd richest in the world. But this was not good enough for good old Radders, and in a violent outburst Daniel asked for a recount.
Read full storyMcCain Health Plan: Walk It Off, Buddy!
Bethesda, MD - Republican Presidential Candidate Doctor John Sidney McCain announced his health care plan today.
Read full storyMissing Brazilian balloonist padre spotted straddling Pink Floyd flying pig
Los Angeles, California - (Pigs Might Fly Mess): Missing Brazilian balloonist priest Reverend Adelir Antonio de Carli has been spotted straddling an errant 200ft giant inflatable rubber pig that managed to leg it from a Pink Floyd session at the Coac...
Read full storyEliot Spitzer hooker agency nets Brazilian footballer Ronaldo
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): NYPD investigators are cock-a-hoop after a sting op in the Eliot Spitzer hooker agency probe netted Brazilian footballer and AC/DC Milan star striker Ronaldo.
Read full storyBritish Anagram Society is Extremely 'On A Deny' (Annoyed)
The British Anagram Society today issued a tumult aim (ultimatum) to the country's sorted stress crow (crossword setters) to stop taking anagrams so cop yell met (completely) for granted.
Read full storyDisneyland Coming to Baghdad, To Offer Exciting Rides and Shooting Galleries
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- Disneyland will be coming to Baghdad soon, offering visitors a multi-million dollar entertainment complex on a 50 acre lot adjacent to the Green Zone.
Read full storyTeen remanded over terrier charges
An administrative cock-up by the West Yorkshire Police Force has led to the arrest of 19 year old Kenzie Mahoodie. The youth, who currently lives in Desbury, was arrested and later released on suspicion of possessing a Jack Russell, with explosive t...
Read full storyBoy Loses Bus Ticket, Has To Walk Home
A teenager who lost his bus ticket has had to walk home from a night out, and was nearly the victim of an unprovoked attack by a drunken mob of slags, according to reports.
Read full story'Save the vultures' centres to breed drug-free lawyers
Vultures could be extinct in the wild within 10 years unless a drug blamed for their rapid demise is eliminated, scientists warn.
Read full storyFirst ever speed camera that attempts to actually reduce speed is to be installed outside Leeds
In what is seen as a revolutionary breakthrough by any council in the country, Leeds is to install a road-side speed camera in an attempt to actually reduce drivers' speed at an accident blackspot outside the city.
Read full storyCondoleeza Rice Gives Bizarre News Conference
(Washington DC) Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is perceived both inside and outside the Bush Administration as smart, savvy and sober. Those perceptions may change after a bizarre news conference she gave yesterday to reporters in front of the Wh...
Read full storyManchester City Opt For Jack Duckworth
Manchester City owner Thaksin Shinawatra has told fans that the days of the Sky Blues' team manager Sven Goran Erikkson are numbered at Maine Road, and that the man to replace him will be none ot...
Read full storyPrince William's World (at War) Tour 2008
Following his whirlwind helicopter tour of the UK, the media proclaimed 'Prince of Hearts' has decided to boost the morale of the troops by paying them a flying visit. The granny's favourite is going to fly past the Armed Forces camp in...
Read full storyEEC extends "sell-by date" rules to non food items
In a dramatic move aimed at harmonising sell-by and use-by dates on products other than food, the mandarins (sadly no use-by date on these particular fruits) of Brussels have imposed rules to cover an extended range of non-food products.
Read full storyGreat Britain's Princess Di Wakes up in the Shower Realizing the Last Ten Years was a Dream!
Much like that heralded American Television Program of years past, "Dallas", where one of the lead characters woke up in the shower and realized that he had dreamed the whole previous season, Great Britain's Princess Diana woke up in th...
Read full storyBush invokes God, sprinkles holy water on journalists who say 'recession'
With consumer confidence slipping and gasoline prices soaring, President Bush delivered an unusually dark assessment of the economy at yesterday's Rose Garden press conference, saying the nation was in "very difficult times, very di...
Read full storyMan dies from South Park
A man who was found in his apartment by a neighbour, had died of malnutrition. He sat atrophied, limbs hanging, eyes staring forward in death.
Read full storyDear Paraphernalia4Your Genitalia
Dear P4YG, My husband and I, both devout Roman Catholics, recently read about a Catholic Kama Sutra. Is there such a thing? What do you know about it? Will it be going to press soon? Will there be a DVD?! Please answer really soon! Breathless in Brestlova...
Read full storyBu$h Can't Use Magic Wand
In a very narrow-ranging news conference Tuesday, Pres. George W. Bu$h stated ". . . if there was a magic wand to wave, I'd be waving it, of course."...
Read full storyClinton Names Rev Wrighteous Her Very Own VIP!
Hillary Clinton, wife and first Lady to first Black President WJC, has shocked the party officials by naming a VIP before receiving the Democratic nomination for Presidential candidacy.
Read full storyPresident Raps: "It's Hard Out There fo a Hoe Bush!"
Worst Prez Eva, Hoemasta GWB has released a new album with the hit release: "It's Hard Out There fo a Hoe Bush!"...
Read full storyChina set to Execute its Executioners
GUANGZHOU, CHINA - In an effort to bolster its abysmal human rights record and clean up its image, China is set to put more than 200 of its executioners to death.
Read full storyMugabe: 'Let's do a best-of-seven like the NHL does.'
President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has asked his opposition in last months elections to consider a best-of-seven elections format to determine the African nation's next president.
Read full storyOld Staples store to be razed by giant staple remover
The Staples Superstore in Cherry Hill, New Jersey recently relocated to a newer, larger store several miles down Route 73. The company claimed that the original site was much too small for the booming national office supply retailer.
Read full storySeemingly Unsinkable Obama Brown Broadsided by Jeremiad I.R. Wrighteous
Just when Barack thought it was safe to go back into the political waters, his spiritual leader and life guide, Jeremiad I.R. Wrighteous has released non-stop repeated 40 oz cans of malt whoop ass in four feverinos exemplifying the very intemperate r...
Read full storyKate Smith Rises from the Dead to Honor America!
Yankee Stadium became the new Easter Garden as Kate Smith rose from the dead to sing God Bless America in honor of the poor souls who have been sent to their death by chicken hawks Bush, Cheney et al.
Read full storySteingrabber Conjoined Twins and Their Children's Crusade
Hank and Hal the Steingrabber conjoined twins have been trying to launch the latest New York Yankee World Series effort like the desperate war wagers of the past.
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