Research has revealed that 4% of Radio 1's current listeners are totally deaf, while the other 96% are completely tone deaf.
The research was sponsored by Amplivox, the hearing-aid people who put those annoying brochures in your Radio Times that fall on the floor in the newsagents, which you subsequently feel embarrassed about on the one hand picking up, because you feel other customers might think you are deaf, while on the other hand being accused of littering if you leave them on the floor.
While this research has been proven not to have a particular impact on that fat loudmouth from Leeds when he hosts his breakfast thing on the station (who admitted in an interview last week that if the members of Girls Aloud and Sugarbabes were laid end to end, it would be far more enjoyable than listening to their music), it does explain, the research concluded, why many Radio 2 and Real FM listeners think a lot of the music on Radio 1 sounds like MFI furniture being assembled by a clumsy 9 year-old with only one arm.
Director of Radio 1, Dirk Smirk, was devastated.
"We didn't think anyone would tumble the fact that the majority of music on Radio 1 actually IS recordings of MFI furniture being assembled. We have some fine groups and also some rappers with extremely stupid names to hide their lack of talent - they actually shout a lot, but their pointless finger pointing tends to get lost in translation across the radio divide.
"Many acts have made a successful debut on Radio 1 leading to incredible downloadings via peer to peer networks, which is just as well, because to be honest, not even the most stupid of Radio 1 listeners - and I can assure you some of them are three tracks short of a CD single - would never be so moronic enough as to actually pay for that sort of aural horse-manure.
"Anyway, I digress.
"Radio 1 has made major discoveries over the years such as rappers Thique Ass Planque, I.G.Norant, Big Big Large, Noe Talennte and Cack Cougheny.
"Then we were responsible for mega-star groups such as girl bands The Wormwood Scrubs and Spider Shriek Scream, not to forget indie bands Bloody Racket, Damp Damp Damp, Emerson, Lake and Joe Dolce, Maurice and the Marsupials and Men Drinking Soup."
