There were 569 spoof news stories published in May 2004. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Olsen Twins to Film Porn Movie on 18th Birthday
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, best known collectively as the ape-faced baby on the long-running ABC sitcom "Full House" have announced plans to get nude, and film a full-length porno movie on their 18th birthday - which is June 13 of this year. Misgui…
Read full storyJohn Kerry names Johnny Depp as running mate
WASHINGTON - Presidential hopeful and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry today announced he has offered Johnny Depp first refusal of the coveted VP spot in his Democratic bid for the White House.
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush possesses the Ring of Power
Washington -- The world was stunned today when President George W. Bush was found to be in possession of the One Ring to Rule Them All.
Read full storyAmerican Idol News: New Judges Next Season. Simon remains; Omarosa and MJ Replace Paula and Randy
Omarosa has done it again. The Apprentice outcast will be joining Michael Jackson and Simon Cowell as judges on next season's American Idol and Simon isn't happy. Simon and Omarosa got into a feisty argument and your favorite writer KungFu Iceskat...
Read full story50 Cent Arrested in Shooting of Ja Rule and Ashanti
Rapper 50 Cent, who still hasn't forgotten his hatred for rival Ja Rule, was recently arrested for the shooting of the two main stars of The Inc., Rule and Ashanti. He said, "I finally got those motherf***ers back!"...
Read full storyLaura Bush Seeks Divorce
Citing "irreconcilable indifferences, his thing is way too small and other problems," Laura Bush has filed for divorce against King George the Dunce.
Read full storySurvivor All-Stars Finale: Amber Wins, Boston Rob Proposes, Jenna Pregnant
Madison Square Garden, NY- In a live CBS broadcast, Amber walked away with the $1 million prize and a modest diamond engagement ring from Boston Rob, in the season finale of "Survivor." "I'm pretty sure this season's participants averaged the lowe...
Read full storyAlways keep your condoms in your car
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouse...
Read full storyPaula Zahn Has Orgasm On Live TV!
WASHINGTON (CNN) - Cable News Network news anchor Paula Zahn had an unusual interview Wednesday evening with presidential candidate John Kerry. Discussing the event with Comedy Central's Jon Stewart, the beautiful star of the CNN newsroom said that t...
Read full storyMadonna quits show biz; press blames her tits
REDONDO BEACH, Calif. -- In a shocking announcement, Madonna is calling her show business career quits. Rumors persist that the decision has all to do with the diva's tits.
Read full storyAmerican Idol Stunner: Simon Cowell Fired For Sexually Harassing Paula Abdul
LOS ANGELES - Simon Cowell was fired from American Idol this morning for sexually harassing Paula Abdul. Sources close to Miss Abdul say that she is livid. Apparently, six months ago, Simon bet Paula that he'd have her "spanking daddy" in bed, within...
Read full storyDiana Degarmo's Meltdown
Diana Degarmo finally broke down and cried today. "I'm so f***in' sick and tired of being the nice and sweet girl. I ain't got no street cred since doing this whack American Idol. People don't even think I'm latina enough. It...
Read full storySatan University
(Auburn, Alabama) Auburn University will change its name as of July 1, 2004 to Satan University. Speaking to the assembled press outside the Haley Center, Auburn President Joey Klind made the announcement saying it...
Read full storyCarrot Top Does More Commercials; Suicide Rate Rises
Comedian Carrot Top has recently supplied AT&T with a new commercial, much to the disappointment of nearly everyone everywhere. "You know, for a while there I was almost sure he had died - I thought I even read about it somewhere." Said an...
Read full storyMartha Stewart's Replacement Finally Found
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - After a six month struggle through open casting calls with stringent negative qualifications required for candidates to make it beyond the initial application phase in a search to replace the now-tainted hostess, Martha St...
Read full storyAmerican Idol Shocking Revelation: Simon Cowell Confesses To Secret Crush on Latoya London
LOS ANGELES Wednesday May 12th 2004.
Read full storyInterview with the Master Chief
Once just another soldier whose heroic exploits went unheard of and unknown, Master Chief was rocketed to stardom level with the release of a videogame titled 'Halo', loosely based off of his exploits in the military. Long-since retired, he now spends most of his time with his wife and twin children at their home in Billings, Montana. Recently, I had a chance to catch up to Master Chief an...
Read full storyMel Gibson plans The Passion of the Devil
Mel Gibson is not giving up after the unprecedented success of his film The Passion of the Christ. He will now make The Passion of the Devil.
Read full storyLow-Down on the Don Ho American Idol Conspiracy
USA -- The whole country was in shock from 9:55 - 9:57 EST last night as LaToya London was voted off of American Idol. "Man, this i...
Read full storyAmerican Idol Shock And Awe: Simon Cowell Heart Attack; Argues With Spoof Writer KungFu IceSkater
The only music industry executive who actually deserves to change his name (from Clive Davis to "The Smackdown" or "Head Pimp In Charge") caused Simon Cowell, raconteur extraordinaire and future star of "The Limey 2", to have a heart attack early Wed...
Read full storyMan Marries Right Hand
In a move that confuses and astounds those both for and against the hotly debated gay marriage issue, Peter Jerkinson married his own right hand earlier this morning in his hometown of Las Vegas, Nevada.
Read full storyWonder Bread Offers Ready Made Sandwich Loaves
Wonder Bread, Inc., manufacturer of Wonder Bread announced today that they are offering new ready made Sandwich Loaves. The new product offers the ease of sliced bread and the nutrition of a mother-made sandwich all wrapped up in a plastic bag to ke...
Read full storyApple Computer Issues Gwyneth Paltrow Ultimatum: Rename your baby or we sue
The head honchos at Apple Computer have contacted Gwyneth Paltrow and her rocker-husband, Chris Martin, and told them in no uncertain terms that they must rename their baby.
Read full storyAmerican Idol Winner Announced
Yes, almost two full days before the results show, this reporter has learned who will win American Idol.
Read full storyNew study shows ugly parents more likely to have ugly children
Virgin Utah- Steve White, head scientist at Kramer labs held a press conference today showing new findings from a five year fact finding missi...
Read full storyResearch Reveals More Women Purchase Cars at Night
A study recently completed by the Ford Motor Company shows that women are twice as likely to shop for cars during the evening as during daylight hours. Research Director Ben Dover completed a two-year study in Des Moines and New Orleans using 200 For...
Read full storyRonald McDonald whacks Wendy
San Diego - In a bizarre story like a plot right out of a Soprano's episode, Ronald McDonald was arrested today for the murder of Wendy from Wendy's. Wendy's body was found by an employee opening the store yesterday morning. It appears...
Read full storyMatt Lesko arrested for selling Federal Government secrets
Washington DC - Last week, Matthew Lesko was taken into custody by FBI agents. Lesko was unavailable for comment, however FBI representative Chambers had this to say: "Mr. Lesko has been soliciting government secrets for years. Right under our n...
Read full story"Friends" airs final episode: Viewers urged to get a life
Hollywood - NBC Executives held a press conference today during which they formally said goodbye to the megahit sitcom Friends and told viewers to get a life.
Read full storyFirst Visit To The Jock Strap Store
I remember my first visit to the jock strap store. Now, if you go to Walmart today they have them, tightly bound in plastic, hanging on racks. When I needed my first jock strap my parents took me to Brooks Brothers. I was horribly embarrassed as my father said to the clerk. "My son is becoming a man. He needs a jock strap." My mother, thankfully, had moved away to peruse the socks...
Read full storyHitler poised to become new Chelsea boss
EX NAZI boss Adolf Hitler is to be sensationally named as the new Chelsea manager within the next week.
Read full storyDick Dastardly Arrested For Abuse
Dick Dastardly has had a long and illustrious career of contemptible, rotten, and sometimes downright despicable deeds. However, recently all of the trouble he has caused in the past caught up with him, and he was finally arrested for animal abuse ou...
Read full storyMan Has Vagina Implanted In His Hand
An unidentified, but self-proclaimed ‘ugly man' had surgeons implant a vagina from a cadaver in his left hand last week, it was announced today. Doctors at the Nashua Clinic for Sexual Re-Implementation, in Nashua New Hampshire, said the patient, kn...
Read full storySusan Sarandon's Breasts, JeLo's Butt Protest Disease, Famine, "Bad Stuff"
(New York, New York) The breasts of actress Susan Sarandon and the buttocks of singer-actress Jennifer Lopez today took out a joint advertisement in the New York Times protesting "Disease, Famine, War, Hate and Other Bad Stuff."...
Read full story‘Friends' Final Episode: A Big Disappointment
A Gallup poll commissioned by NBC competitor, The Spice Channel (?), finds that 90% of Spice Channel viewers were highly disappointed with the final episode of Friends.
Read full storyJohn Stevens Advances in the WB's Superstar USA
John Stevens, the 16-year old crooner from East Amherst, NY and recent American Idol evictee, advanced past the first round of the WB's Superstar USA Monday Night. The show is an "untalent" contest, a nationwide search for the worst singer in America...
Read full storyParis Hilton Received Most Votes on American Idol
As the third American Idol voting snafu in recent weeks, Paris Hilton has received 4.3 million votes, enough to make it into the finals. This was surprising considering Paris Hilton is not a contestant on American Idol.
Read full storyRyan Seacrest and Friends Threaten to Sue WB
Ryan Seacrest is angry! In fact, he's hopping mad right now.
Read full storyScientist Discovers What Michael Jackson Is, Begins Drinking Heavily
Toledo, Ohio - Scientists at the National Institute for the Study of Bizarre Androgynous Freaks have completed a seven-month study on pop star Michael Jackson. The results of the study are reported to be too terrifying for words.
Read full storyMichael Jackson has 10,000th plastic surgery
Hollywood - Pop star Michael Jackson stunned the entertainment world today when he unveiled the results of his 10,000th plastic surgery procedure, during which something seems to have gone horribly wrong. However, the embattled pop star assured repo...
Read full storyMichael Jackson's Penis to Testify
A source close to the Neverland Ranch stated today that Michael Jackson's penis, Winkie Jackson, has agreed to testify at Jackson's upcoming child molestation trial.
Read full storyDying Sparrow Photo 'Fake'
The Sparrow Mirror, Britain's best selling sparrow orientated tabloid, today published a photograph of what it says is evidence of systematic abuse inside the aviary section of Abu Ghraib prison, where around seventy Iraqi insurgent sparrows are...
Read full storyThatcher's death - celebrity hypochrites sing her praises
TWO-FACED celebrities were coming out of the woodwork today, after the news that Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has died of syphilis. Scores of shameless TV personalities were clambering over each other to sell their souls on ITV...
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush announces to world, "I'm an asshole!"
Washington, D.C. -- President George W. Bush held a press conference today that will go down as one of the strangest moments in U.S. history. After a few opening remarks by his Press Secretary, the President took the podium, looked around for a mome...
Read full storyEmile Heskey to run "Heskeylator" escalator franchise
Emile Heskey's 5 million pound move today from Liverpool FC to Birmingham City FC has sparked off a string of remarkable revelations concerning the indomitable striker's business ventures.
Read full storyGeorge Bush falls down, goes boom
TEXAS - President Bush is recovering today from minor injuries caused over the weekend by a fall from a mountain tricycle at his Texas ranch. Speculation is that incident was intentional and Bush was merely practicing for his November fall.
Read full storyCrazed Clown Car Chase (National Alliteration Championships soon)
A crazed clown was spotted driving down a major New York highway in an exploding stunt car at noon today. The clown later revealed to be local legend, Stinko the Clown, put his floppy shoed foot to the pedal, which in turn was put to the metal in per...
Read full storyKirk Douglas Becomes Zombie, Eats Baby
At first, it seemed rather cute. Kirk Douglas, in a whimsical display of light-hearted antics, leaned forward and pretended to bite the arm of his 5-month old grandson, Jason. Afterwards he leaned back then licked his lips slowly, in what eye-witness...
Read full storyPrison Abuse Scandal Linked to George W. Bush's Dog
Washington, DC (AP) Sources at the Pentagon admitted this morning that the dog collars and leashes used in the abuse of Iraqi detainees at the Abu...
Read full storyGeorge Huff creeps enough people out - voted off American Idol
Los Angeles - George Huff's run as American Idol finalist appears to be at an end. Best know for his deep baritone vocals and the ever-present "what's that up my butt" reaction to judges' critiques, Huff will be missed much less than former co...
Read full storyStarbucks Completes Death Star; World Takeover Imminent
Seattle, WA-Starbucks Coffee Inc announced Wednesday that its supreme plan for world domination will be placed into effect a month early as their Death Star orbiting seven hundred miles off Earth has been completed ahead of schedule.
Read full storyDr. Phil Caught Snacking Between Meals
(GRAND RAPIDS) - Daytime TV shrink and self-proclaimed diet guru Dr. Phil McGraw was caught shoving an extra large Chimmie-Cheez burrito with extra sour cream down his throat in the parking lot of a Grand Rapids mini-mart Friday morning.
Read full storyCrazy Hitler Lawn Service
Do you come home from a long hard week just dreading having to cut the grass. Does your yard resemble the salad bar at a cheap steak restaurant?...
Read full storyOlsen twins to marry Olsen brothers
HOLLYWOOD - Popular twins Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen announced over the weekend they were finalizing the details for June nuptials with European superstar brothers, Jorgen and Niels "Noller" Olsen.
Read full storyJay Leno dumps John Kerry for Johnny Depp
HOLLYWOOD - In a pre-election upset, Tonight Show host Jay Leno has dumped John Kerry and asked Johnny Depp to run in Kerry's place.
Read full storyShemales To Honor Jackson
Las Vegas -- The National Federation of Shemales on Film (NFSF) have invited Michael Jackson to be the Keynote speaker at their annual Shemale Blowout Party - the meeting they sponsor each year in Las Vegas to discuss issues relating to Hollywood's...
Read full storyGeorge W Bush resorts to shock tactics.
George W Bush today took the unprecedented step of using "shock and awe" on the American public in order to get support for the presidential re-election campaign.
Read full storyGeorge W Bush in sex scandal
George W Bush's reputation took a severe bruising today as it was revealed that he had had an affair with a Whitehouse intern. This latest setback could spell the end for the President as his reputation takes another beating on the back of allegat...
Read full story'The Day After Tomorrow' Destroys Record Before Release, Wins Dubious Award
LA, NY, Montreal (FP) - Twentieth Century Fox's global warming disaster epic has completely annihilated a previous film record before even being released for public consumption. The $125 million Hollywood blockbuster has ironically won the 'G...
Read full storyRumsfeld Insane
The worst kept secret inside the beltway is out. Doctors for Donald Rumsfeld admitted today that the Secretary of Defense is legally insane.
Read full storyBush orders 420 removed from national time keeping system
Washington- Today on the advice of attorney general John Ashcroft, President Bush announced that the U.S. will be phasing out 4:20 on the US ti...
Read full storyGeorge W Bush: Speechless
May 19, 2004 The United States of America looks like it is going to be put under full F.E.M.A controlled marshal law, with full Red Alert status after a high priority national 'treat' occurred today.
Read full storyThe Swan: Michael Jackson to Make Guest Appearance In Hit Fox Reality Show
The King of Pop has agreed to appear in Fox's new reality TV show where contestants receive the physical and emotional "makeover of a lifetime". Writer KungFu IceSkater was told that producers are having difficulties shooting the show because the Kin...
Read full storyGeorge Bush Compared with Saddam Hussein; Hollywood Responds
NBC might have something to smile about during fall sweeps, after the end of hit show ‘Friends'. Mr. "Unscripted Drama", Mark Burnett is teaming with NBC and Amnesty International to produce a new reality show, starring W and Saddam, in which the mos...
Read full storyGreat White Sharks and Wildfires. A SPOOF NEWS EXCLUSIVE
Fire season has started off with a bang in Southern California. The season officially started at midnight on May 1 2004 and since then three fires have devoured thousands of acres in both the Temecula and Camp Pendleton area. Thousands evacuated and...
Read full storyBoy With Pipe Is No Freak
Pablo Picasso's 1905 masterpiece, Garçon a la Pipe, has sold for an astonishing $104m at Sotheby's in New York, beating by $21.5 the price paid for the previous most expensive painting, Van Gogh's Portrait of Doctor Gachet.
Read full storyDrunken TV Pitchmen Arrested
(Bozeman, Montana) Police were called early this morning to Hobart's Bar on the West side of Bozeman where a fight was in progress between two "totally wasted" lumberjacks.
Read full storyTurkey Becomes Christian and Unites with Cyprus
Turkey Becomes Christian and Unites with Cyprus:...
Read full storyRonald McDonald busted for bestiality
Aging fast-food spokesman Ronald McDonald was arrested early this morning on his Midland, Texas, farm amidst sensational allegations...
Read full storyGlobal warming caused by increased activity in Hell
Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have solved the mystery of global warming. A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev. Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual rise in temperatures around the globe i...
Read full storyCondoleezza Rice to Open Chain of Cajun Themed Restaurants
The first Mama Condoleezza's NewOrleenza Rice and Beans Bistro and Voodoo Lounge is scheduled to open later this summer in Orlando, Florida. "Many people are surprised to learn that I am actually a human being and not only eat solid foo...
Read full storyMartha Stewart "A mean, ugly bitch" according to court ruling
New York - The New York Court of Appeals today turned down yet another request by Martha Stewart's defense team that her case be reopened on grounds that she is mean and ugly bitch.
Read full storyBush to outsource his job from India
United States President George W Bush has decided to outsource his job from India.
Read full storyUPS Declares War On FEDEX! Gun Battles Erupt Nation Wide!
Unconfirmed Sources report that The United Parcel Service has launched a pre-emptive strike on rival shipping firm Federal Express. UPS Forces launched dozens of coordinated attacks on FedEx processing depots across the nation. During the attacks UPS...
Read full storyGeorge Bush Does Something Stupid
Amidst the thunderous applause of satirists, late night talk show hosts, and hack comedians everywhere, George Bush surprises none as he yet again does something stupid.
Read full storyBilly Ocean Makes A Comeback
The world is rejoicing because Billy "Caribbean Queen" Ocean is making a comeback. After falling into near obscurity in the late 80s, this pop star is out, about and telling the world that, to quote LL Cool J:...
Read full storyLabour Party Pre Election World Tour : Deputy PM Visits Canada, Causes Trouble
John Prescott has embarked on a worldwide tour to promote Britain and more importantly, to improve relations with world leaders.
Read full storyIraqi Prisoner Abuse: New Pictures Emerge of Mistreatment By US Soldiers; Donald Rumsfeld Resigns
New pictures have surfaced of the abuse of Iraqi POW's by U.S. and British soldiers. We will shortly publish these pictures but can safely say that they'll make the "human pyramid" picture look like a scene from the "Sound of Music". Seven of the pi...
Read full storyJohn Kerry Sizes Up George W. Bush
NEW YORK AP Appearing on "60 Minutes" this Sunday, presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry was grilled by Mike Wallace in an in-depth...
Read full storyGabon Famine - British Style
The President of the African country of Gabon, El Hadj Omar Bongo has appealed to the UN, the World Health Organization, the World Bank, t...
Read full storyRepublican Convention Schedule Announced
The Republican National Committee today released the official schedule and agenda for the first day of the 2004 Convention to be held in New York City on August 30th.
Read full storyAmerican Idol Not Racist Enough
Somewhere in Alabama, Jim Rednecker announced from beneath his sheet today that he's "sick and doggurn' tired about all the belly...
Read full storyCharlton Heston Gives Goodbye Speech
Noted actor, sportsman and conservative activist Charlton Heston, who has previously announced that he is battling Alzheimer's disease announced during a talk given to the Altedena, California chapter of Young Americans for Guns on 1 May 2004 that he...
Read full storyOpen Letter to Coca-Cola
Dear Coca-Cola: I recently bought a 2 liter bottle of coke. I noticed that the bottle cap was offering some sort of give-away or prize. When I turned the cap over I saw that I was being offered 10% off athletes’ foot. At first I felt slightly insulted. Why do you think that I, the purchaser of a 2 liter bottle of Coke, am even likely to have this irritating foot disease?...
Read full storyBusiness Briefs?
In a return to the old fashioned ways in hopes of reclaiming old fashioned profits, IBM is re-instituting the Big Blue Dress Code which set the tone for IBM in the fifties and sixties. Men will be expected to wear dark suits with light colored shirt...
Read full storyBin Laden releases CD on Afghanistan Gangsta label
In an audiotape offering a terror truce to European countries that pull their troops from Muslim nations, Osama bin Laden also suggested he might be willing to ease up a little if he could just get a thick juicy steak and a hot shower. C.I.A. ana...
Read full storyJohn Kerry to Guest-Judge American Idol Finale
In a move that has America reeling, potential Democratic presidential nominee John "Big-Head and Yes I am part Jewish and I'm married to a wealthy woman" Kerry has decided to be a guest judge on American Idol for the Tuesday finale.
Read full storyGeorge Bush names Michael Jackson new Secretary of Defense
WASHINGTON - In his search for the perfect scapegoat, George Bush today announced that he would accept Donald Rumsfeld's resignation and immediately appoint Michael Jackson as America's new Secretary of Defense.
Read full storyBNP stand as Anti-Europe party in European elections
In a confounding move, British National Party leader, Nick Griffin, has announced his party's intention to continue their anti-European stance by standing in the upcoming European Elections.
Read full storyWorld's Ugliest Baby Turns One
Columbia, MO - Joe and Patty Simpson didn't know exactly what they were getting into when they agreed to adopt an underprivileged child almost twelve months ago. Like so many other people wanting children, adoption was the only route available to the...
Read full storyGeorgia to Shun Evolution in Schools
If State Superintendent of Education Kathy Cox has her way Georgia school kids will graduate from high school having learned nothing about evolution; in fact likely they will have never even heard the word uttered in a science class.
Read full storyKerry, Seeking Jewish Votes, Roots, Changes Family Name Back to "Kohn"; Polls Go Haywire
(Boston, Massachusetts) Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kerry has changed his name to "John F. Kohn", saying that he wishes to both acknowledge his Jewish roots, and also convince wavering Jewish voters that "their rightful...
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