Drunken TV Pitchmen Arrested

Funny story written by Chuck Barber

Friday, 28 May 2004

image for Drunken TV Pitchmen Arrested
Brawney Mann (left) And Dinty Moore Fought Drunken Brawl

(Bozeman, Montana) Police were called early this morning to Hobart's Bar on the West side of Bozeman where a fight was in progress between two "totally wasted" lumberjacks.

The men who initially gave their names as David Moore and Brawney Mann were charged with public intoxication, fighting, destruction of public property, destruction of private property, disturbing the peace, urinating in public and assaulting a police officer.

The fight apparently started when Moore repeatedly stated "in a loud voice" that Viva paper towels were the ‘quicker picker upper.' Mann took offense and according to witnesses, "slapped Moore." Moore retaliated and the fight quickly grew vicious.

Both Moore and Mann threw furniture and bottles, breaking out windows and destroying framed photographs on the walls. Moore allegedly threw the cash register at Mann.

Witnesses concurred that then both men, "Staggered outside and broke out windows in stores nearby, pausing only to urinate through the broken window of the With Jesus You Can Bible Bookstore.

When Police arrived Mann was screaming "Dinty Moore tastes like dog food," a charge which befuddled police until a check of fingerprints proved that Moore's real name is Dinty Moore, inventor of canned beef stew, and Mann is the deposed spokesman for Brawny Paper Towels.

Once arrested Moore and Mann continued their fight in the police cars, kicking out the car's windows in an effort to get at one another. In the process of the arrest they both verbally and physically abused police.

When asked about the incident, both Hormel, maker of Dinty Moore Beef Stew and Georgia-Pacific, makers of Brawny Paper Towels said they would need time to evaluate their marketing plans. A spokesperson for Georgia-Pacific added that there were good reasons they had made a change in their advertising. "This isn't the first time Mr. Mann has been arrested after a bar fight."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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