Matt Lesko arrested for selling Federal Government secrets

Written by Johnny Cache

Friday, 7 May 2004

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Matthew Lesko

Washington DC - Last week, Matthew Lesko was taken into custody by FBI agents. Lesko was unavailable for comment, however FBI representative Chambers had this to say: "Mr. Lesko has been soliciting government secrets for years. Right under our nose!" Mr. Chambers cautiously admitted "The Government really only operates between 9am and 5pm, so we were completely unaware of his activities on late-night cable TV. But thanks to TiVo, we finally caught him in the act!"

According to the report, FBI Agent Miller was watching a late-night showing of Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes VI from his TiVo the night before, and saw a Matthew Lesko commercial stating that he would sell the government's financial secrets to the highest bidder. Agent Miller called the number on the screen, but the offer was only good if he called "in the next 10 minutes" from the time of broadcast.

Suspecting some kind of conspiracy, agents Miller, and Stiles set up an all-night stakeout on local cable channel 45. "I was starting to doze off near the end of Beastmaster III when I heard Lesko's voice." recalls Miller. "All we had to do was call the number, and trace the call." Agents quickly infiltrated Lesko's headquarters and found several copies of the secret documents ready to be shipped to the highest bidders.

Lesko will be held for the next 10 years in a maximum-security federal penitentiary, where he will receive all the government funding he needs to finish his next book.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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