Kirk Douglas Becomes Zombie, Eats Baby

Funny story written by John Carroll

Monday, 24 May 2004

image for Kirk Douglas Becomes Zombie, Eats Baby
Kirk Douglas as he attacks his grandson, Jason.

At first, it seemed rather cute. Kirk Douglas, in a whimsical display of light-hearted antics, leaned forward and pretended to bite the arm of his 5-month old grandson, Jason. Afterwards he leaned back then licked his lips slowly, in what eye-witnessed recall "seemed to be a thoughtful way".

Then Kirk Douglas, now 88, who is most famous for his role in Spartacus, bit the arm off of the child, drawing to light the slow process of what experts are calling "zombification" which was occurring over the last few years.

"We were sort of wondering how he kept on going." Kirk's wife, Anne Douglas told reporters after they had managed to subdue Kirk. "I should've known it was only a matter of time before he became an undead minion, a slave to his own hunger for living flesh."

Anne recalls now that there were some warning signs, such as the slow shuffling of feet that began four years back, the tendency to walk with his arms stretched outwards in front of him, and the way Kirk constantly muttered "Brains" when talked to.

"I guess I should've talked to someone." She sighed. "But it's too late now."

Jason, sadly, did not survive the attack of his Grandfather, though funeral sessions are planned for what remains of the child - Part of his leg, and what appears to be his right thumb.

Because of this incident, the FBI have now created a list of celebrities who refuse to die, watching them carefully in case they begin to show any signs of zombification. While the official list has been kept secret, Dick Clark, Bob Barker, and Mickey Rooney are among those rumored to be listed. Charlton Heston is supposedly among one of the most dangerous in the list, having already gotten in trouble in the past for attempting to kill and eat trespassers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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