Interview with the Master Chief

Funny story written by John Carroll

Thursday, 20 May 2004

image for Interview with the Master Chief
Master Chief takes a moment to reflect.

Once just another soldier whose heroic exploits went unheard of and unknown, Master Chief was rocketed to stardom level with the release of a videogame titled 'Halo', loosely based off of his exploits in the military. Long-since retired, he now spends most of his time with his wife and twin children at their home in Billings, Montana. Recently, I had a chance to catch up to Master Chief and talk to him a bit about his life recently, and the upcoming 'Halo 2'.

John: Hello, Mr. Chief, and thank you for your time.

MC: <Laughs> Oh, it's no problem, John. And you don't have to call me Mr. Chief - Master is just fine.

John: Uh... I think I'll stick with Mr. Chief. Anyway, before the release of the Halo franchise, no one had heard of the name 'Master Chief'. How did all of the sudden popularity feel?

MC: It definitely took me by surprise at first. I mean, the books, the games... It was all so overwhelming. I couldn't beat the fans back with the broadside of a Jackal's shield. It got so bad that my wife and I had to move from our apartment in New York over to here.

John: How do you like it here in Montana?

MC: It's certainly a change our life in New York.

John: I can imagine. How did your wife deal with all of this?

MC: Cortana? Oh, she was up in arms about the whole idea from the start. We squabbled about it for about a week, but she finally gave in when we found one fan naked in a pile of her clothes. We moved out the next day.

John: And what about your twins?

MC: They were a more recent addition to the family, actually. They were born about a month after the release of Halo, only a few days after we moved in here.

John: I can imagine it must've been a pretty big surprise to the folks around here when they heard that the Master Chief was moving in.

MC: You better believe it. They even threw a parade for me. At first I thought it was going to be even worse, but things died down sooner or later.

John: Do you feel that Halo and the as-to-be-released Halo 2 are accurate depictions of your service to Earth?

MC: Absolutely. Well, there are small differences here and there... Little things that I'm sure they added to make things more exciting for the player. For instance, I only fought off about a thousand of the Flood in the Library, instead of the roughly ten thousand the player had to fight.

John: Many people have wondered why, exactly, you never are seen without your famous MJOLNIR armor.

MC: Actually, Microsoft has been paying me to keep the thing on. If it were up to me, I'd love to take if off - You can imagine how awkward it can make it with Cortana at times. <laughs>

John: Yeah... I was sort of wondering about the twins thing.

MC: Sometimes it's just better not to ask questions.

John: Well, we have time for one last question, one I'm sure many Halo fans have asked themselves... 343 Guilty Spark. Gay, or what?

MC: Flaming.

John: Once again, thank you for your time, Mr. Chief.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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