Josh Hawley aka "Pussy Boy" Begs President Biden To Please Put Him In The Witness Protection Program
WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - Josh "The Wimpy Coward" Hawley is catching hell from all sides after nine Capitol cameras caught him running like a runner in the 100-yard dash through the halls of the Capitol Building, in an effort to get away fro…
Read full storyPracticing Jedi Can’t Believe Mind Tricks Don’t Work On Cute Girls
San Diego resident and self-described ‘Jedi Knight’ Gavin Mullen has been getting increasingly frustrated that his mastery of The Force doesn’t extend to convincing women to sleep with him. Mullen converted to Jediism more than a year ago but is yet…
Read full storyA Hooters Restaurant Waitress In Philadelphia Has The Prettiest & Sexiest Lips In Pennsylvania
PHILADELPHIA - (Satire News) - A Hooters waitress who was born and bred in the "City of Brotherly Love," has just been named by The Philadelphia Liberty Ledger newspaper as having the "Prettiest & Sexiet Lips In Pennsylvania." Gina Dakotawood,…
Read full storyHollywood Is Looking For The Next Sex Goddess
HOLLYWOOD - (Satire News) - Tinsel Town has just announced that they are looking for a young, sexy, nubile, erotic actress to become the next sex goddess ala Marilyn Monroe, Raquel Welch, Jayne Mansfield, or Charlize Theron. Hollywood Innuendo has…
Read full storyArizona AG Election Investigation Finds 1 Dead Voter and 282 Brain-Dead GOP Politicians and Auditors
Phoenix - Months after Republican-hired Cyber Ninjas claimed to have identified almost 300 possible dead voters in the 2020 General Election, an investigation by the Arizona Attorney General, Republican Mark Brnovich, has determined that only one of…
Read full storyFrance's Worst Drought in 200 years Triggers Food Shortages - Must Eat American Cheese
France is, having its worst drought ever, possibly due to Global Warming. 'Le Warming Americain', as they call it. (But not caused at all by them of course). It is causing power shortages and food shortages, and a heat wave every day. Be…
Read full storyCanada is Anti-American - Banning U.S. Handguns - and All Handguns
Canada has officially banned imports of all handguns into Canada. This of course, hits the Multibillion American gun industry the hardest. It could cause a depression in the U. S. And how are young Canadians to train for their own future…
Read full storyThe Pianissimo Mafia Family Opens Three Pizza Restaurants In Hackensack, New Jersey
HACKENSACK, New Jersey - (Satire News) - Ever since he was a little guy growing up in Sardinia, Italy, Genzano Pianissimo dreamed of two things; the first, he wanted to go to America and become a Mafioso, and secondly, he wanted to open up a pizza pa…
Read full storyFuture Climate News - Washington DC 2042. From Dr. Futuro, With His Futuroscope.
This is Dr. Futuro from my Victorian Home and Lab here in London. I just did another session with my Futuroscope, and saw the Climate, twenty years from now in the Washington, DC, area - a stable viewing area. It was fairly shocking. The Potomac…
Read full storyInfo Wars Alex "Fat Frog" Jones Throws Trump Under The Bus By Saying The Trumptard Brainwashed Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - The turdhead behind Info Wars, Alex Bonnie Jones, is now crawfishing better than the best back-pedaling crawfish in history. The certified human asshole who can spew more fucking lies in just two minutes than eve…
Read full storyNina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, and Paul Wesley Talk About The Sexually Charged "Vampire Diaries"
HOLLYWOOD - (Satire News) - "The Vampire Diaries" was and is one of the all-time top television shows regarding the subject of vampires. LaLaLand Daily reporter, Macadamia Honeysuckle, recently sat down with the show's three stars, Nina Dobrev, Ia…
Read full storyTrump Asked Brooklyn Mobster Salvatore Goombalini To Be His Personal Bodyguard - Sal's Reply Was Priceless!
NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - After Trump's Secret Service agents rebelled against Old Trumelstilskin, and have now left him high and dry, he is looking to find someone to protect his big, fat lard ass. His son Eric The Goofy, told him to just g…
Read full storyArchaeologists find Evidence That Prehistoric American was First Republican
Republican Archeologists excavated the sites of several different tribes that lived near each in Arizona 15, 000 years ago. Each tribe used different tools and built different dwellings. Jim Jones, (wearing a small I Heart Trump button) expla…
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