NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - After Trump's Secret Service agents rebelled against Old Trumelstilskin, and have now left him high and dry, he is looking to find someone to protect his big, fat lard ass.
His son Eric The Goofy, told him to just go to Walmart and purchase a bullet proof vest, a Kevlar helmet, and a baseball type genitals cup.
His other son, Don The Dopey Jr., told his father that to keep from getting shot in the back he should buy some rear-view mirrors that can be attached to his upper arms.
Meanwhile, after hearing about Eric and Don Jr's, stupid ass ideas, Ivanka simply said that her father always used to tell her that he was bullet-proof.
Ivanka, who is not shy, asked, "So what the fuck changed bitch?"
Trump is so desperate to be protected that he has asked the infamous mob boss, Salvatore Goombalini if he would be his personal bodyguard.
Sal told The Pied Piper of Pussygrabbingville, to turn himself into a damn circus contortionist and go FUCK himself. ■
