San Diego resident and self-described ‘Jedi Knight’ Gavin Mullen has been getting increasingly frustrated that his mastery of The Force doesn’t extend to convincing women to sleep with him. Mullen converted to Jediism more than a year ago but is yet to successfully use Jedi mind tricks to pick up a girl.
“I just always seem to pick the strong-willed ones,” Mullen said. “I really relax and become one with The Force, but they just won’t listen. It’s not as if I haven’t had enough preparation- I meditate every day, I take supplements to increase my midichlorian count, and I spend my weekends running around aimlessly in swamps.”
Sophie Kelleway, one of Mullen’s recent targets, said the Jedi approached her in a nightclub and began demanding sexual favours without even introducing himself. “He just started waving his hand around and telling me I was going to suck his dick. I threw my drink in his face and walked away.”
Miss Kelleway reported Mullen to nightclub security and he was ejected from the venue, discovering in the process that his Force chokes don’t work on bouncers either.
So depressed is he by his lack of success that Mullen is considering turning to the dark side. “One of my friends, Darth Maximus, turned to the dark side a few months ago and he’s had plenty of girls ever since,” Mullen said. “It’s the lightning trick. Chicks love the lightning trick.”
Mullen has also been getting despondent over the Jedi Council of North America’s refusal to give him a lightsaber. “Getting a lightsaber was half the reason I joined the Order. Actually, it’s the only reason I joined the Order. What’s the point of being a Jedi if I don’t get a lightsaber?”
“He can have a lightsaber once he starts behaving himself,” Jedi Master George Smith said. “A Jedi uses The Force for knowledge and defence- never for a quick handjob from some coked up trollop.”
