WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - Josh "The Wimpy Coward" Hawley is catching hell from all sides after nine Capitol cameras caught him running like a runner in the 100-yard dash through the halls of the Capitol Building, in an effort to get away from the Trumpturd's invading, anti-American home-grown terrorists.
Hawley was running because he knew that Trump's followers had broken into the Capitol and were looking to hang VP Mike Pence, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and Sen. Teddy "Eddie Munster" Cruz.
Even Trump said that the little, pussy wimp needs to be impeached and actually sent to prison for no less than 14 years; especially for physically knocking down Nancy Pelosi in his haste to hide in one of the Capitol bathrooms.
The Chicago Daily Wind newspaper is reporting that "Limp Noodle" Hawley has sent several texts to President Biden begging him to please place him in the Witness Protection Program.
SIDENOTE: Info guru Andy Cohen, said that he heard from a close family member that the very effeminate-looking Josh in an effort to hide from the millions of haters, has taken to dressing in muumu's sundresses, chemises, granny dresses, and female jogging attire.
