Florida To Use Monkeys As Poll Workers
Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, has announced election day poll workers will all be monkeys. The governor chose monkeys because of their reliability in handing out ballots to registered voters, due to their relatively small hands. Each polling plac…
Read full storyGlobal Warming: Man’s Seasonal Depression Worse Every Year
A local man announced on Monday that he feels his seasonal depression gets worse and worse every year, and scientists say this is yet another effect of global warming. Michael Blackstone, 31, says that his depression is most severe when daylight…
Read full storyAre you voting for Stadtler or Waldorf?
Your choice on Tuesday is for either Mr Statler or Mr Waldorf. Both are old men, with a damaged, slightly misogynistic view of the world. Obviously not, we are talking about Trump and Biden, but you can see the point we are making. Now, if Kerm…
Read full storyFBI Estimates 31 Million Russians in US
WASHINGTON DC - Early in the 2016 Election Year, US Intelligence Agencies began investigations for Russian influence. Democrats often blame the Hillary Presidential Election Loss on CIA incompetence. Initially, the most convincing evidence for Donald…
Read full storyMan still taking offence
Duncan Blenkinsopp, despite having too much offence as it is, has taken a lot more. 'I looked out my window, and I was offended by the clouds, the leaves on the ground, next door's cat, the house next door's children, and that was before I even go…
Read full storyPresident Trump Wants All The Black People To Know He Donated $17 Million to The Black Lives Matter Boys Basketball Fund
CORN SHUCK, Iowa – (Satire News) – President Trump, hot on his Campaign of Hate Tour, spoke before a paltry crowd of 92 people in Corn Shuck, Iowa, home of nothing but cornfields and corn farmers. He told the audience that corn is his most favorit…
Read full storyRodney Bigginsthwaite wishes he had a less stupid name
Fictional character Rodney Bigginsthwaite has told everyone, to no-one's great surprise, that he wishes he had a less stupid name. The bearded chap told us: 'I wish I had a name that said something about my character, rather than something that so…
Read full storyMovie Fan Has Seen 'Leon' Four Times In The Last Month
Watching movies is a perfect way to relax for some people, who settle down on the couch in the evening with something to eat and drink, and - perhaps - some 'company'. But when the movie is one you've seen before, the fun can go out of the experie…
Read full storyMan Is Always Right, Even When He Isn't
It's been revealed how a writer who has a short fuse and a quick temper, and who regularly gets into arguments with people who don't agree with him, is always right, even when he's wrong. The man, John Lesson, could start an argument in an empty h…
Read full storyPresident Trump Hatched Mexican Wall Idea After Reading About Hadrian's Wall
As we reach the critical point in the US presidential campaign, and possibly the decline of politics as we know it, it's been claimed that President Donald Trump first hatched the idea of a 'Mexican Wall' after first reading a story about Hadrian's W…
Read full storyNew Anti-Lockdown Party
Mr Richard Head, also known as Dick, has formed a new political party to fight against Covid-19 lockdowns. “It’s an Englishman’s right to associate with whomsoever and wherever he wishes. My association with Miss Potts of Lavender Cottages was purely…
Read full storyYoyoing is now accepted as the only sport Manchester United can win anything playing!
(NOT EDITED) After their rather sad and pathetic attempts to kick a ball in any form of forward movement, the Manchester United manager, Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, has decided to abolish his diamond-shaped-tactics and teach his multi-millionaire-footy-stars…
Read full storyThe Dallas Cowboys Lose Yet Again – Coach McCarthy To Start 4th String Quarterback Chang Bombay Next Week
PHILADELPHIA – (Sports Satire) – Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that watching his team lose to the Philadelphia Eagles 23-9, was like watching a high school football game, what with all the trick plays his team used. He pointed out to Hercu…
Read full storyVice-President Mike Pence Confesses That Even if Trump Wins, He is Going to Retire
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – According to GOPicky Magazine, Vice-President Mike Pence has commented that he is so fed up with the mean, racist, hate-filled rhetoric of President Trump, that he plans to retire - even if Trump wins. Cahoots Wy…
Read full storyCardi B Says North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Has a Big Crush on Her
BRONX, New York – (Satire News) – Rapper Cardi B recently confided to Andy Cohen with the Bravo Network, that the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, has the hots for her. The rap artist said that she received a text message from the North Korean…
Read full storySpanner-wielding crim strikes in Slovakia
The capital of Slovakia, Bratislava, today witnessed an unusual crime when a grocery shop was robbed by a spanner wielding thief intent on snaring the day's takings. The hooded individual was believed to be carrying a number eight spanner, and, in…
Read full storyTrump To Declare Victory Election Night
Donald Trump, the national screw up, plans to declare victory on election night even before the total number of votes are counted. Networks are planning to go black if he attempts this, or to continue with their round table discussions, ignoring Trum…
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