Global Warming: Man’s Seasonal Depression Worse Every Year

Funny story written by Adam J. Hushin

Monday, 2 November 2020

image for Global Warming: Man’s Seasonal Depression Worse Every Year
Visible effects of global warming

A local man announced on Monday that he feels his seasonal depression gets worse and worse every year, and scientists say this is yet another effect of global warming.

Michael Blackstone, 31, says that his depression is most severe when daylight savings comes to an end, which usually happens in early November, but that the past few years have been particularly tough.

“It just seems like it lasts longer every year,” Blackstone said.

Recent revelations from top scientists have found that extreme changes in seasonal depression are caused by global warming.

“My therapist and I had sort of decided that my worsening depression was due to a lack of purpose continually putting more pressure on me as I grow older, worsening my self-image,” Blackstone said. “But then this scientist told me it was actually because of global warming, which makes more sense.”

Dr. Richard Glover of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change detailed his findings.

“Mr. Blackstone is a very sad, sensitive little man,” Glover said. “He was doomed even before climate change got to him.”

Worsened seasonal depression is the latest result of global warming. Like rising sea levels and extreme weather, heightened seasonal depression is both dangerous and intensified by human impact.

“Human activity is definitely worsening Mr. Blackstone’s depression,” Glover said. “It’s honestly starting to bum me out.”

These findings have been discovered at an important time for climate recovery, as the United States is set to officially leave the Paris Climate Agreement on Wednesday. It is unlikely that this decision will be reversed, which likely means Blackstone’s condition will deteriorate further.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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