FBI Estimates 31 Million Russians in US

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Monday, 2 November 2020

image for FBI Estimates 31 Million Russians in US
Voter Registration in Vermont - Van Was Overlooked by FBI in 2016

WASHINGTON DC - Early in the 2016 Election Year, US Intelligence Agencies began investigations for Russian influence. Democrats often blame the Hillary Presidential Election Loss on CIA incompetence. Initially, the most convincing evidence for Donald Trump acting as an agent of the KGB was a group of Facebook ads costing more than $100,000, which had been financed by Ukrainian troll farms. Roughly $6.8 BILLION had been spent on political campaigns to get into Federal offices. However, the FBI told Democrats that some "clever Facebook ads" destroyed their political aspirations.


Four years later, the FBI and NSA announce with deep regrets - "the CIA really F*CKED us all by not finding a million Russian assets in America." Many anonymous officials in the Intelligence Community believe that "Build the Wall" was a complete smoke-screen which had investigators wasting their efforts on the US border with Mexico. Looking back, the Ukraine scandal consumed too much time of the analysts which MIGHT have found thousands of Russians in Utah, thousands of Russians in Maine, or thousands of Russians in Iowa.

Anonymous Whistleblower #14: "Hunter Biden may have EXTREME drug and sex addictions, but when his laptop was declared abandoned and its contents became public knowledge, we said to ourselves - RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION. Sure, sitting on your laptop while Blackout Drunk could make someone forget where the device was taken for repair, but the lack of evidence contradicting that theory is a HALLMARK of Putin's KGB Ops."

Some say that this year's Iowa Caucus for Democrats may be an example of the how deeply Russians infiltrated political institutions around the country. While the DOJ has not found the link between "state delegate equivalents" rules, "recanvas" processes, and Vladimir Putin in Iowa, Liberal Political Strategists agree that the DNC Cluster-F*ck in February was exactly what a Russian Plot would attempt. It is POSSIBLE that President Trump withdrew from the Paris Climate Change Agreement in June 2017 as a distraction which allowed Russia to silently manipulate and sabotage Democrat election efforts for more than three years.

Anonymous Whistleblower #6: "Everyone HATES Windows 10 ... but the CIA got hurt more than anyone realized. The Mind-Control Devices which were Windows 7 compatible went berzerk after the upgrade. Many Teleprompters had Auto-Correct issues after the Win-10 upgrade, and the results make Joe Biden look completely INSANE.... It's easy to blame the CIA for unreliable and erratic Mind-Control devices causing Joe Biden to mumble and stare blankly into the distance. However, RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION needs to be the first thing we investigate ... ALWAYS."

If there had only been Facebook Ads in 2016 to ruin the Hillary White House plans, then a thousand Russian KGB Agents might explain the chaos faced by Democrats. Today, it is clear that MILLIONS are actively spreading RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION. When video appeared with Nancy Pelosi (D-California) at Beauty Salon without wearing a mask - Russia. When an Apple Computer repair technician exposes Hunter Biden emails and video which suggest corruption and depravity - Russia. How could Trump gather such large crowds at dozens of events promoting Republican candidates and his Presidency? If you are honest, the answer is simple - Thousands of RUSSIAN AGENTS awaiting their orders from Air Force One.

When the 2020 US Elections were in the "Primary" phase, the US Intelligence Agencies considered the possibility of 10 Million Russian Agents secretly engaged in Election Interference. However, there is too much negative material which implies unethical or criminal behavior by Democrats, and a few million Russians are not enough to create the current level of noise. Although James Clapper and John Brennan are well-known for perjury and their lies to Congress, they warn Americans that now is the time We Must Trust the CIA more than ever.

In an unusual move, the CIA has published a "Don't-Believe-Your-Lying-Eyes" RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION List to help American Voters:

  • Blame Trump - (2016) Over $1.3 Billion Cash to Iran from Obama
  • Blame Trump - (2017) 17 Violations of Civil Rights by FBI during "Investigations"
  • Blame Trump - (2017) Constant "Leaks" of CLASSIFIED Information (CIA/NSA/FBI)
  • Blame Trump - (2011) Libya and Mideast Civil War after Obama Intervention
  • Blame Trump - (2015) Hillary Email Server - Illegal Storage of CLASSIFIED Information
  • Blame Trump - (2020) Billions $$$ in Damages from ANTIFA/BLM Riots, Looting, and Arson
  • Blame Trump - (2010) Russia Gains Control over 20% US Uranium ("Uranium One Deal")
  • Blame Trump - (2014) Russian Annex of Crimea (Ukraine)
  • Blame Trump - (2010) Solyndra and "Green Energy" Bankrupt Stimulus Projects
  • Blame Trump - (2014) CIA "Inappropriate Searches" on Senate Staff Computers (Brennan)


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more