Al-Qaeda, Taliban Change Minds
KABUL & BAGDAD - Al-Qaeda, the terrorist people, have announced that they will not attack the US, UK or Europe at any time in the future. "We now realise that there is more to life," said Bin-Laden, "We say we fighting for our Afghan brothers...
Read full storyMPs Hate Citizens Too
LONDON - At a debate in Parliament, all the political parties have agreed to one thing. The UK populace are douchebags. "Do you know how hard it is," said an MP, "trying to please everyone? It's really hard. Do you know how much time, effort an...
Read full storySarah Palin Appears On The Oprah Winfrey Show And Talks Openly About Husband Todd's Alleged Affair
CHICAGO - Sarah Palin who lately has not been having a good "Hair Year" has now met head on with yet another controversial subject. And this one hits very close to home; and to be real specific and zero in on it, her bed. Palin decided to appear o...
Read full story"The Little Fockers" and "The Tourist" Are Both Already Available At Blockbuster And At Red Box
HOLLYWOOD - Two of the biggest movie bombs of the year, The Little Fockers and The Tourist are already available at most Blockbuster Video Stores and Red Box outlets throughout America, except for Doohickey, Arkansas which has neither a Blockbuster n...
Read full storyJack in the Box Loses Jack when He Pops Out of the Box
A Tucson, Arizona Jack in the Box got "jacked" when their Jack, popped out of his box and is now on the loose. Jack in the Box has filed a missing persons report with the Tucson police department as well as the National Crimes Information Center (NC...
Read full storyMasturbation to be outlawed
The government caused outraged today when it announced that wanking and masturbation in general will be outlawed after midnight today. Government spokesman Marsta Bates, said the move was introduced to improve the eyesight of the population and ta...
Read full storyH&R Block: Like Demolishing a Building With A Big Stuffed Bunny
H&R Block is in panic mode, entering what it calls First Peak --the flurry of business set in motion by the arrival of W-2s for those tax clients who usually plan to pay Febuary's child support with their tax refund-- without the ability to offer...
Read full storyTabak charged with Jo murder
Bristol - (Whodunnit): Did one of the Williams Sisters grass up Vincent Tabak, charged with murdering Jo Yeates tonight? The Dutch architect had lodged with the women during the start of murder inquiries when weedy-looking Chris Jefferies was th...
Read full storyH&R Block CEO Responds to Senate Letter Regarding New Tax Credits, Encloses Resume
Senate leaders are countering the effort to repeal the new health care law by calling attention to small businesses tax credits also contained in the legislation. The Senate's top seven Democrats, all whiny and pissy over losing control of the Leg...
Read full storyFairy Tales for Tourettes Sufferers: Jack and the bean stalk
Once upon a fucking time, there was this single mother who lived in an house with her little bastard of a son named Jack. All they had was a cow that did fuck all. So, the mother said she would sell the lazy cunt and sent Jack to Southall market to get rid of it. On the way, Jack met a wanker who tried to buy the cow for a couple of beans, so what does Jack fuckin do? Sells the cow like the...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby Villagers planning street parties to celebrate Royal Wedding
Residents of Newby Village, Isle of Wight, are mid-way through planning street parties to celebrate the Royal Wedding. They propose to organize four large parties for residents,which will take place on Main Street I, Main Street II, Main Street II...
Read full storyWalter Mitty: The truth at last: Part 2
I jumped the gun a bit in the last chapter. I should of mentioned what happened to me in the 1950s when I was 15yrs old. It was a tempestuous time. I was in Washington in 1951 doing a bit of shopping when I bumped into this bloke at the bus stop. He looked a bit tired so I asked him what was wrong. He said he had been up all night thinking about the Japanese. I told him it was about time someon...
Read full storyVincent Tabak 'may be an alias'
Bristol - (Canary Juice): Foreign (sic) psychoanalysts on the Yeates case want to hypnotise the current prime suspect. Vincent Tabak 'could be an alias' for a talented intelligence operative working undercover for God-knows-who-or-what. "It's...
Read full storyMoney making opportunity to get crazy rich
RICHMOND, Calif. Attorneys for a teen girl who got attacked outside a Northern California high school say there is plenty of opportunities for other teen girls to get rich by visiting a law firm with a similar case. School officials say the teen...
Read full storyShylock Humes: The Hound of the Basketvills Part 3
Shylock sent his friend and companion, Dr. Flotsum, a telegram. The message arrived tied to a brick that crashed through his lounge window, and struck Flotsum on the head. "Ow fuck!". He cried. "Cut backs!". Shouted the messenger boy as he rode off. Flotsum opened the note. come quickly. It read. "How does he know these things", thought Flotsum. Several hours later, Flotsum arrived...
Read full storyMiley: It May Take Nude Mag Spread to Kill 'Hannah Montana'
Miley Cyrus was dead serious yesterday when friends and fans were shocked to hear her say that it may take something 'very adult' to finally shake off her alternate ego, "Hannah Montana". Miley had recently wound up the last episode of Hannah Mon...
Read full storyBeckham neck marks - it was Redknapp!
Mystery surrounding the strange love-bite like marks seen on David Beckham's neck, as he and a worried looking wife Victoria were leaving a fashionable London restaurant along Park Lane on Friday night, has now been replaced with the surprisi...
Read full storyFootball fans losing interest at an alarming rate
Once looked upon as one of the most dedicated and fanatical groups in the world, football fans are alleged to be losing interest in the beautiful game at an alarming rate. And it's happening everywhere. Declining crowds are the norm in almost e...
Read full storyJock The Ropper: Part 1
Monday 13th Oct 1887. The mist laid heavy over the dark cobbled streets of Victorian Bethnal Green in Londons infamous East End. A tall figure wearing a fidora hat and wrapped in a black leather cape stalked the night time streets, only stopping to take cover in the shadows, he made his way to the Blind Beggar pub in Bethnal Green road. Upon entering the smoke filled dank public bar, he was...
Read full storyKenny Dalglish Can't Match Shankly, Nude
Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish is unlikely to be able to match the legendary Bill Shankly in his quest to return the Merseyside Reds to their former glories; and a Torbay art connoisseur has unveiled a new addition to his collection, write Football...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Gives Ted "The Velvet Voice" Williams $100,000
BOISE, Idaho - Canadian singing sensation Justin Bieber performed at The Mashed Potatoes Arena before a standing room only sell out crowd. Bieber gave the amazing crowd a record breaking 13 encores. The crowd of 30,000, which included not only you...
Read full storyDoes George Clooney Have Something More Serious than Malaria?
Word this past week was that actor George Clooney had gotten malaria from being in the Sudan recently, but now some insiders are saying that it's much worse. "He looks like he's lost a lot of weight and acted strange during a recent appearance", s...
Read full storyMan With No Ears Wins Grammy Award
You can usually rely on America for a headline and this one is certainly a contender. Country & Western singer Garth Proops, 57, has no ears but it hasn't stopped him writing and recording a full album of songs which have now won critical acc...
Read full storyAre We There Yet? - How Much Longer?
You've packed the car, cushions and pillows for the kids, snacks and drinks and sweets to suck. Everything's ready. All you need now is for the wife to be able to read the map for you and be your calming voice as you steer the ship. 'We need to...
Read full storyDerek Hough Reportedly Has A Collection of Over 900 Nude Photos of Cheryl Cole
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - The winner of this years Dancing With The Stars reality dance program Derek Hough was interviewed by the nationally syndicated news program Bedroom Pillow Talk. Hough sat in his Hollywood Hills mansion Casa Cha Cha Cha dressed in...
Read full storyKristen Stewart, Vanessa Hudgens, and Nina Dobrev To Star In The X-Rated "The Naked Nubiles of Nevada"
HOLLYWOOD - Tittle Tattle Tonight has just announced that three of America's leading young actresses will be appearing in Sheboygan Saddlewood's sex-crazed casino film The Naked Nubiles of Nevada. Saddlewood said that he recently secured the film...
Read full storyBangalore Bandh Jan 22, 2011: A Spot of Violence to Truly Appreciate Peace Rest of the Year
A small band of the minority community (Thugs) have indeed caused some trouble in this laid-back city surrounded on three sides by reality and on the fourth by Mysore. Parts of KR Puram and Yeshwanthpur were shut down by roving cells of 3 men. But in...
Read full storyYou, Fearing for Life, at Hospital
LONDON - As the ambulance arrives you attempt to deny the reality. You are in some form of agony. You don't know what it is. The medics claim you'll be just fine. There are your close friends and relatives. Smiling hopefully. Comfort. The agony burns. Stings, even. In your head, you hear Space Odessey play in your head. This willbb be be an achievement for you. As the ambulance...
Read full storyTanja Morson denies grassing up boyfriend Vincent Tabak
Bristol - (Whodunnit): She's the weekend red tops' favorite for grassing up the Dutch boyfriend to Bristol cops. And she's gone to ground during Vincent Tabak's police interrogation, extended by another 30 hour warrant on Friday. Family sources...
Read full storyPhone Hacking Scandal - the Met rushes to Paris and the Ukraine
Reports of a mobile phone, still ringing inside a crocodile in the Ukraine, have sent officers from the Met, aka Scotland Yard, scurrying to visit and examine the crocodile. A police spokesman insisted that no croc would be left unturned in their...
Read full storyHow I got the job as Communications Director at no 10
Following my appointment as the new Communications Director at no 10 I am initiating a new out-front policy approved by the Prime Minister. This will be an open frank department and it is in this spirit that I release the transcript of some sections of my interview that got me the job, before Wikileaks gets hold of it. INTERVIEW RECORDING Q Why do you want the job Womble? A De money.
Read full storyThis Thing Called Love
Police are trying to trace the 'thing' shown in the attached image and have requested the assistance of the local community to help. It seems that Mrs. Mary Love from Oxford Green received a phone call late on Friday afternoon from a mysterious st...
Read full storyJo Yeates' 44 Canynge Road apartment block twinned with 'Ghostbusters Building' in New York
Bristol - (X-Files): Murky goings-on at Jo Yeates' flat actually began before landlord Chris Jefferies bought the property from a paedophile colleague, fellow ex-Clifton College teacher Stephen Johnston. "It's always been a magnet for mysterious d...
Read full storyIdeas. Inc. Goes Public
Wall St - This morning saw the launch of Ideas.Inc. Starting off at a dollar fifty a share, this is one buggy you want to be on. It is basically a media internet service like Google. Only it knows what it wants. What it traffics in.. you guessed it..
Read full storyGay Man Visits Darren Bent in Dressing Room and Tries to Get his Balls Signed
New hot shit Aston Villa forward Darren Bent had the shock of his life after encountering a crazed homosexual fan in the communal jacuzzi brandishing two plastic footballs. Larry Sabu, 20, emerged from the bubbling watery pool of pleasure and trie...
Read full storyEx-Hooker Teacher, Melissa Petro Fired
Melissa Petro is now gone from being an ex-prostitute to an ex-teacher. After parents found Melissa Petro's past online posts, they requested the school to investigate to see exactly what the ex-hooker was teaching their children, according to sup...
Read full story'Masonic' UFO appeared over Bristol the night Jo Yeates vanished
Bristol - (Pie-in-the-Sky): Locals said the craft was festooned with a neon sign depicting the Triple Tau. The emblem forms part of the heraldic colors of the Holy Royal Arch - a masonic appendant body catering to the architectural branch of freem...
Read full storyGerard Houllier: "I'm French by the way!"
The Professors Office, Aston Villa: At a recent Press Conference, Gerard Houllier, 'came out', with the revealing revelation that the waiting and watching press and sport media had not anticipated. Gerard Houllier: "I'm French by the way. Wit...
Read full storyTalking Goat says Sarah Palin is the Antichrist
The news of Kah-Kah, a five year old Hailun breed goat, has astounded scientists around the world with what seems to be the first true and verifiable case of intelligent animal speech. And apparently, the goat had an announcement. Hao Wei Yuan, hi...
Read full storyHawaii Governor Can't Find Obama's Birth Certificate; Advances Immaculate Conception Theory!
Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie had to put the state laundromat on full spin cycle as he was forced to admit he couldn't produce Barrack Hussein Obama's birth certificate despite claims he was ready to produce it to end Birther's contentions once a...
Read full storyEven More Sundances With Wolves In Sheep's Clothing: Festival Dispatches Part 4
PARK CITY, UTAH - And so, the Fest continues, and the weekend arrives. Not a minute too soon. In other words, thank Harvey Weinstein (or, if unavailable, Quentin Tarantino will do just fine), for all things bright and (maybe you have to be here) beautiful, for being so right on time. In still other words, there's nothing quite like a cold, crisp, high in the Utah mountains morning after mom...
Read full storyHarry Redknapp mugged in Spain
Harry Redknapp, Spurs manager, revealed that on his recent visit to Spain he was mugged outside the Athletico Madrid football stadium. Thieves bent down and tugged at his trousers to draw his attention while other thieves behind him picked his pocket...
Read full storyTottenham to take-over 2012 Olympic stadium
The Olympic Legacy Committee meeting yesterday received all the bids for the future use of the Olympic stadium. In a closed session the committee met and reached a decision that the 2012 stadium, seating 90,000 would go to Tottenham Hotspur who wi...
Read full storyKate Middleton Nude Shock
Future Queen of England Catherine Middleton takes her clothes off and gets naked with alarming regularity, it emerged yesterday! Ms Middleton is scheduled to marry Prince William on April 29 and the country is looking forward to a national holiday...
Read full storyRyan Seacrest's E Online One-On-One Interview With Sarah "CrosshairsGate" Palin
Ryan Seacrest the host of American Idol just conducted an interview for the cable television channel E Online with Sarah Palin, the unsuccessful 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate in the Presidential Campaign for The White House. RYAN: Hello Sarah, so tell me how are you feeling today? SARAH: Well ya know Ryan, I have felt better. RYAN: I'm sure you have. Sarah I have to ask why? SAR...
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Threatens France: "I Will Steal The Eiffel Tower!"
KARACHI, Pakistan - Osama Bin Laden speaking at radio station WPAK in Karachi has issued a stern warning to French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. The 6 foot 6 inch tall Bin Laden stated that he is sick and tired of get...
Read full storyThe FBI Busts 127 Mafioso's Including Vinny The Pepperoni, Mickey The Mozzarella, "Lasagna" Luigi, and Vic Vermicelli
BROOKLYN - In what is being hailed as one of the biggest FBI Mafia busts in recent memory a total of 127 Mafia bosses, underbosses, hitmen, extortionists, and racketeers were rounded up and arrested. The Mafioso's were all members associated with...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Claims Five-Vehicle Wreck Wasn't His Fault
Robert Pattinson's press agent told reporters this morning that the five-car wreck earlier in the week was not his fault. "I know you guys. You take a one-word statement of facts and build a story on it. Then it's all over the tabloids for two wee...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Loses It Over Not Being Invited to British Royal Wedding
First Lady Michelle Obama did a Hyacinth Bucket routine when she discovered that she and her husband, Barack, were not invited to the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. "She blew her stack alright", stated a White House page. "Yo...
Read full storyHawaii Governor Claims White Rats Ate Obama's Birth Certificate
Neil Abercrombie, the newly elected Democratic Governor of Hawaii, promised that he would prove to cynical birthers that Barack Obama was indeed born in Hawaii. Claiming that he personally knew the parents of the president back in 1961 when Obam...
Read full storyOld MacDonald's Farm to Close
Farmville: Third generation farmer MacDonald announced today that he is ceasing operation of his medium sized family farm, which has been in operation since 1927. Increased business overhead costs and regulations were cited for his decision. Mr.
Read full storyJohn Prescott ate his telephone, say Police
The London police are tonight trying out an unusual defence plea after a complaint by John Prescott that they did not follow up a lead that his phone calls were being tapped by the News of the World. The police are claiming that they did send so...
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