Justin Bieber Gives Ted "The Velvet Voice" Williams $100,000

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 22 January 2011


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image for Justin Bieber Gives Ted "The Velvet Voice" Williams $100,000
The Mashed Potatoes Arena in Boise, Idaho. (Photo from the collection of Condoleezza Rice).

BOISE, Idaho - Canadian singing sensation Justin Bieber performed at The Mashed Potatoes Arena before a standing room only sell out crowd. Bieber gave the amazing crowd a record breaking 13 encores.

The crowd of 30,000, which included not only young grade school fans but moms, dads, grandmoms, and great grandmoms as well went wild for the clean cut, wholesome young boy that the pitiful likes of Ann Coulter, Madonna, and Naomi Campbell do not like.

After the performance Justin met with reporter Grandiosa Littlehampton of TV ClickerWorld Magazine. She asked Justin how it felt to be adored by so many people.

Justy giggled and said that he had to go pee and that he would be right back. He returned a few minutes later and asked Littlehampton if she wanted a Diet Pepsi.

She took it and Bieber told her that performing in front of 30,000 people probably brings him about as much joy and satisfaction as say someone like Britney Spears being in bed with her boyfriend and/or husband and attaining several "Big O's."

Littlehampton almost choked on her soft drink. "Why little Justin Bieber did I hear right? Did you just say the "Big O?"

"Yes ma'am I reckon I sure did." He replied.

Littlehampton started laughing and said, "Well let me see, you're 16. Heck I did not hear the name "Big O" until I was 19 or so and I did not actually experience the "Big O" until I was 22.

I recall that it was my birthday and my next door neighbor, Ridley Baconshaker and I were sitting on the floor of his bedroom listening to an old classic hit by Paul Revere and The Raiders called "Kicks" and the next thing I know Ridley picks me up, gently tosses me on his bed, takes off my clothes, and as they say in Wichita, Kansas, 'We went to town.'"

Littlehampton composed herself and asked Justin if it was true that he had given some money to the ex-homeless man Ted Williams. Bieber said that the story about the homeless man with the amazing "Velvet Voice" really made him feel good.

He said that he talked it over with his mom and he decided to give Ted $100,000 to help get himself settled into a place and buy himself a car.

Bieber smiled and confessed, "Hey, I might be young, but I ain't no dummy. I would love to have Teddy go with me on my next concert tour and be my shows MC. Can you imagine how great that would be?

Justin also mentioned the fact that he is superstitious. He said that for one thing each night that he performs he turns his underwear inside out and backside front.

He also has to eat 13 red M&Ms just before he goes on stage. He has to give each member of his band a fist bump, he has to give each of his two female backup singers a French kiss, and he revealed for the first time to anyone that he actually then stands in a corner and for about 45 seconds he talks to his wienie (penis).

Littlehampton's eyes got the size of ping pong balls (no pun intended). She softly asked, "Justy...why?"

Justin looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I just tell 'Little Justin' to behave and not to let himself get carried away with all of the unbelievable shots of beav*r that he is going to see."

Justin Bieber is being considered to star along with Sandra Bullock in the film classic 'The Complex World of Oedipus and His Mommy.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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