The government caused outraged today when it announced that wanking and masturbation in general will be outlawed after midnight today.
Government spokesman Marsta Bates, said the move was introduced to improve the eyesight of the population and take the burden of eye tests and optical realignment away from the NHS. "It costs millions of pounds per year to rectify the eyesight of people that use this type of recreation and it just will not do".
The government said it will introduce, "Onanist Community Police" in an effort to administer the law. This could mean our officers jumping out of wardrobes and fining unsuspecting wankers in their own homes.
Public toilets, will now have CCTV cameras installed in an effort to minimise the amount of underground group wanking in the capital.
Pervert, Barry Boner, was devastated. "I have been wanking in the bushes of royal parks for many years. Where am I to go now? my eyesight has not been affected by wanking. Can you point me toward Green park station please?"
Sex shop owner, Ben Ditin said. "Vot a shunder! I zell der vanking tools all der time mid der gel! Vot am I to do vid der gel? zell it to ein car factory?!"
Prostitute, Elsie Tapper, Stated. "Well ducky, I will not stop givin hand jobs cos the guvernment say so. they kin fine me awl they like dear, my hands is my money an my hand jobs is the back bone of me income, wivart them I dont make the rent".
Bed and Breakfast owner, Les Spew, described the move as; "Horrendous! I've spent a fortune on covert CCTV in all my rooms! I sell the footage to a bloke in Latvia"
The police said they will uphold the law as best they can. It will be a tall order and a stiff regime will be introduced.
