Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 22 January 2011

image for Ryan Seacrest's E Online One-On-One Interview With Sarah "CrosshairsGate" Palin
The best side of Ryan Seacrest's better half Julianne Hough. (Photo courtesy of Derek Hough).

Ryan Seacrest the host of American Idol just conducted an interview for the cable television channel E Online with Sarah Palin, the unsuccessful 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate in the Presidential Campaign for The White House.

RYAN: Hello Sarah, so tell me how are you feeling today?

SARAH: Well ya know Ryan, I have felt better.

RYAN: I'm sure you have. Sarah I have to ask why?

SARAH: Well okay, the reason I said that I could see Russia from my house was because I really and truly thought that I could and...

RYAN: No Sarah. I'm not interested in your Russia fantasy.

SARAH: Oh okay, well then to answer your question the reason that I thought that Africa was a country was because the reporter who asked me the question had a slight Barney Frank type lisp and so I...

RYAN: No Sarah. I don't care about the fact that you actually thought that Africa was a country.

SARAH: Well then let me say that when I said that the North Koreans were our allies I must have been facing north because I know that deep down inside I did mean to say East Koreans but like I said I...

RYAN: Folks we're going to go to a commercial. Please do not change the channel. I give you my word that I'll get this gal on the right page, ah no pun intended, if I have to write some damn cue cards myself.


RYAN: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. As you know today I am talking to Sarah Palin who seems to constantly stick her foot in her mouth every time she opens it to speak.

SARAH: Ah, excuse me Ryan but that's not exactly true...

RYAN: Excuse me Missy, but I'm the host here and that is exactly true.

SARAH: So tell me Ryan. How is Julianne doing (Julianne Hough - Ryan's girlfriend).

RYAN: She's doing fine Palin. In fact she's doing a whole damn lot better than you that's for effen sure.

SARAH: Now look here Seacrest, you will speak to me in a respectful manner you hear me.

RYAN: Dammit! Palin is it true that you've got nads?

SARAH: Well they're not really nads, its just that I have what is known in the gynecological world as a pair of dangling labia minoras. So I guess that technically one could probably say that they could possibly be called nads in a sense.

RYAN: Okay fair enough. But you do not have a pecker right?

SARAH: Okay now let me get this straight cause remember I'm from Alaska and we barely know what a menage-a-twitter is.

RYAN: Excuse me? A menage-a-twitter?

SARAH: Golly gee Ryan. Yes a menage-a-twitter you know its an Eskimo word that we got from the Eskimos which means when it is so cold that a female Eskimo woman has to put olive oil on her nipples to keep them from getting so hard and erect that they actually will tear right through an Eskimo woman's heavy duty sweatshirt.

RYAN: Wow. I now know why I'm glad that I did not marry that Eskimo-American exchange student that was staying with us back when I was in high school.

SARAH: Oh Ryan, I swear you are such a wimp. Are you sure you like girls.

RYAN: Shut up Palin. You bet I like girls. Have you not taken a damn good look at my Julianne? Wow. The woman makes Scarlett Johansson look like Courtney Love.

SARAH: Who the hell is Courtney Love?

RYAN: And now I am going to ask you the question that everyone in America, Canada, Mexico, and Guatemala wants to know. What the hell where you thinking when you approved those 20 photos with the crosshairs over them?

SARAH: Ah no comment Ryan.

RYAN: Palin, you can't hide from this one behind some moose blind up in Alaska. You do know that you were absolutely, positively, 100 percent wrong don't you.

SARAH: Ah Ryan, read my loose lips. No comment.

RYAN: Sarah I can see why everyone is now referring to you as The Paris Hilton of Politics.

SARAH: No comment sissyboy.

RYAN: Sarah I have a feeling that your involvement in this scandal called "CrosshairsGate" is going to be the start of your downward spiral. And before it is all over, you may end up having to move to North Korea with the folks you referred to as our allies.

SARAH: Ryan. You're wrong. I'll betcha $7 that by next Friday the American people will all have completely forgotten about all of this damn, freakin, friggin, mother effen mess called "CrosshairsGate."

RYAN: Well there you go thinking again you wild whacky wilderness bitch.

SARAH: Well back at cha little girl.

RYAN: Okay "Blizzard Brain" lets move on. So tell me the story about how you came about your nickname.

SARAH: Well Rihanna, I'm sorry I mean Ryan, they call me "Snowmobile" Sarah because I love to ride snowmobiles.

RYAN: No not that nickname you Tina Fey looking skank.

SARAH: Oh okay forgive me Ruthy. Well my daddy nicknamed me "Shotgun" Sarah cause when I was three I shot my very first Moose, unfortunately, at the time, it was living in a big cage at the Anchorage Zoo.

RYAN: Wow! Not that nickname either you frozen Daiquiri.

SARAH: Oh I know Rosario. You're talking about my nickname "Snowflake." Well that came about because a lot of people mostly those mean, haters, the anti-Bristol "The Pistol" Democrats say that I'm flaky and that I have some dandruff which I have never denied, and Johnny McCain will tell ya that.

RYAN: Okay listen up Palin. I want to know who gave you the nickname "Crosshairs" Sarah.

SARAH: Well let me think. Golly gee willakers. Ya know Rhonda, I think that it was probably my hubby Todd but I'm not one hundred percent sure.

RYAN: Sarah do you smoke?

SARAH: No, I'm allergic to ashtrays.

RYAN: Sarah do you drink?

SARAH: Well once in a while if the kids are out making snowmen and snowwomen Toddy and I will sneak into our special hiding place underneath our bed and take out a bottle of El Matador Tequila and I'll make Toddy and me some Margaritas and we'll nibble on some reindeer jerky and then he'll start fondling my 'girls' and I'll kinda start squeezing his nads and we'll have ourselves a gay old time...but not in the gay sense like Clay Aiken and Ellen DeGeneres of course since Todd and I happen to be of the opposite gender ya know.

RYAN: Great. How sweet. And how appropriate. Just one more question Palin. Is it true that when you go big game hunting that you actually wear a camouflage jock strap underneath your male hunting outfit.

SARAH: [BLUSHING] Yes, it's true, but only because up in Alaska we take our hunting seriously and there is a long standing tradition to uphold and if I should break from that tradition or deviate from it in any way, shape, or form I will have a spell cast on me by The Alaskan Wilderness God of Icicles. And if that should happen then it will cause my uterus to become barren, it will make my nipples become inverted, it will turn my G-spot into a G-dot, and my clitoris will grow by at least three inches, which really wouldn't bother me one friggin bit, but Toddy might not be too happy with that.

RYAN: Thank you Palin. It has been a damn effen experience. And be sure to keep on giving the comedians and the satirists plenty of ammo (no pun intended).

SARAH: Back atcha Rosemary.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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