Sarah Palin Ready to join a Convent?
Sarah Palin shocked the world today by announcing she has decided to convert to Catholicism and join a convent. According to Ms. Palin she is going to do this in order to heal her youngest son Trig (short for Trigonometry) of his "retard" affliction...
Read full storyFellow swinger reveals real reason why Sting likes to dress up Trudie Styler during their tawdry sex sessions
Even regular sex gets boring. No way you say. S'truth. Take Sting for example. Nothing much new and happening on the creative front. So it's back to the boring old sex life of two dried out prunes. Readers will remember a couple of years ago when Sting tried to regale everyone with his expertise on tantric sex - that mysterious Indian Kama Sutra thing that he claims to have mastered. Where...
Read full storyPeter Fonda corpse mystery deepens
Los Angeles - (Airbags): Just what's wrong with the people of Sunset Boulevard that a man, dead at the wheel of his car, goes unnoticed for three whole days? "It's not like he, er, died from boredom in a traffic jam," a LAPD patrolman admitted aft...
Read full storyDavid Cameron to introduce new Nick Clegg shield to the MoD
Prime Minister David Cameron is set to introduce a new Nick Clegg shield to the Ministry of Defence (MoD), as part of the government's commitment to the armed forces. The new Nick Clegg shield has been successfully trialled by David Cameron since...
Read full storyF. Lee Bailey: OJ Simpson Did Not Turn His Wife Into A Pez Dispenser. And I'm Not Crazy.
Brainsick, disbarred former lawyer F. Lee Bailey's newest book, "Writings From The Booby House," articulates in detail --1,422 pages worth-- just how he can prove that OJ Simpson did not turn his wife into a Pez dispenser in 1994. How can there be t...
Read full storyHarry Potter 8 to be published in May 2011
J.K. Rowling disclosed at a book signing today that she has secretly been writing the eighth book in the Harry Potter series. "I completed the manuscript last week and it's with the editors as we speak," said the wealthy author. When asked about...
Read full storyThe Messiah, King Kenny relieves the command of 'Anfieldgrad' siege, from Von Hodgson!
This was 'Anfieldgrad', Liverpool: On January 6th Army of Von Hodgson were suffering the fiercest cold Winter and were beleagured. The siege of 'Anfieldgrad' had been 'simmering' for six long months, with Von Hodgson's forces besieged on the banks...
Read full storyPalin hits out at critics 'irresponsibly accurate' attribution of blame for Arizona shootings
Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has hit out at American commentators 'irresponsibly accurate' attribution of blame for the Arizona shootings by suggesting they were displaying the kind of 'damn fine shot' that was sadly lacking during the grocery...
Read full storySpeaker Bercow tells Tory boy Pritchard "not to take a leak in my time"
John Bercow is one Speaker of the UK, House of Commons, who will not cow tow to the Government or their Whips. A Tory MP, Bercow was elected, as Speaker, by the Labour Party, who were the majority party in the House of Commons. Since then, the Tor...
Read full storyKatie Price switches sports, cage fighting to boxing!
Katie Price, Jordan, or UK's Nr1 bimbo, has decided to swap sports because cage fighting with her husband, Alex Reid, (otherwise known as Alexis Reid whilst dressed as a transvestite), is boring. Katie is famous for doing absolutely nothing, apart...
Read full storySheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio States That Gays Are No Longer Welcome In Arizona
MARICOPA, Arizona - The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle recently spoke with Arizona Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio, who is probably the most well-known lawman in the entire United States. "Pinky" Arpaio, was given his unusual nickname by the inmates, pr...
Read full storySpoofer Accidentally Finds Extra-Terrestrials Using SETI Sceensaver
BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - At 5.08pm GMT, spoofer Inhopeless has found alien life using his home computer. "Well," he said, "I just downloaded the screensaver. I went to get my memory stick from my coat, and that took some time. My computer screensaver ki...
Read full storyShylock Humes: The case of the missing Isle of Wight
Shylock, stood on the deck of HMS Arch Rumble. His stomach lay on the sea, wiping his mouth, he turned to the bridge. The Helmsman's face showed white through the porthole. Captain Horatio Belton approached the vomit covered Shylock. "Ya got no sea legs me lad!" He bellowed. Shylock steaded himself, "I have recieved a telegram about the missing Isle of Wight" "Yes", the captain ass...
Read full storyRush Doesn't Hate All Liberals
Washington - Rush Limbaugh doesn't hate all liberals, he made that point on his radio show today. "I like those liberals that let me off for that little drug problem I had. A conservative probably throws me in jail for a couple years." Rush said...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly All Tell Sarah Palin To Please Not Call Them For A While
NEW YORK CITY - The Tittle Tattle Tonight news program is reporting that GOP mouthpieces, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Bill O'Reilly have each personally asked Sarah Palin to please not call them until this "CrosshairsGate" things blo...
Read full storyLost Shakespeare Play a Hit
A play by English Bard, William Shakespeare, found recently in an attic in Lesser Crumble, has become a hit sensation. The person who found the play, John Cribb, has made a fortune over the rights he has on the manuscript which he has allowed Holl...
Read full storyShock Flood Hits Village
A village yet to be named in Yorkshire has suffered a shock flood. Pensioner, Bill Trout, decided to have a bath yesterday and whilst listening transfixed to Question Time in the House of Commons he forgot to turn off his taps. He was yelling a...
Read full storyBBC Response To Ageism Charges Goes Awry
Attempts by the BBC to prove it is not ageist or sexist when it chooses on-screen presenters is having some dubious results. The broadcaster is urgently putting older faces on screen after it lost the industrial tribunal brought by Miriam O'Reilly...
Read full storyTarrant to bounce back!
A red eyed and tearful Chris Tarrant finally came out from his Ascot mansion this morning (Thursday) to face reporters waiting outside the large iron railings of his front gate eager to hear his reaction to the news that the TV quiz show he presents called 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' is likely to be axed due to a sharp drop in viewing figures. "Sorry to keep you all waiting ou...
Read full storyName for new Beckham baby announced
David and Victoria Beckham, announcing the expectation of their fourth child, have pre-empted the media and revealed exclusively to all newspapers as well as Hello, OK and, by a special request from David Beckham, Exchange and Mart Magazine, the name...
Read full storyNaked Male Pygmy on Cover of National Geographic Receives 10,000 Marriage Proposals
A naked male pygmy from the Ituri Forest in the Congo has received over 10,000 marriage proposals from women and 200 from men all around the world after appearing on the cover of the National Geographic. Although the magazine uses a black box over...
Read full storyHouse of Commons Speaker in 'shagging royalty' row
London - (Reuterus & Royal Ass): Is House of Commons Speaker John Bercow 'up the Palace's arse?' The filthy row exploded over reports of Bercow 'being in bed with Prince William' following Tuesday's vote on sovereignty. Deputy chair of the...
Read full storyChina insists that giant death ray is not a threat to US
After the successful test of its first ever Giant Death Ray, China has reiterated to U.S. officials that it is in no way meant to challenge or threaten American military interests in the Pacific, or elsewhere. In a statement released during Defen…
Read full storyPalin: "Where is everybody?!"
In a Palin rally planned today for Tucson, Arizona, Sarah Palin strode onto the stage and looked out at an empty parking lot. The only reporter at the event was a seventeen-year-old intern from Fox News. "Where is everybody?," shouted Palin.
Read full storyEasy on the mayo, guys, as dead meerkat found in sandwich
Kent - (Lettuce Prey): The body of a dead meerkat, missing from a Kent wildlife park, has been found inside a sandwich. Local shoppers say bits of the furry roadkill were seen protruding from the £2.50p organic wholegrain toastie at St Bart's Roa...
Read full storyHugh Hefner Engaged to Himself, Simultaneously Comes out of the Closet
Los Angeles- Startling friends and former lovers and former playmates and former lovers of playmates and former friends of lovers of playmates, and former lovers of friends of playmates, Hugh Hefner announced today that he is marrying himself and co...
Read full storyGoldmans and KKR back UK bid to buy out Euro
George (Ozzy) Osbourne, UK Chancellor, revealed today that at his recent meeting with Jean-Claude Trichet, President of the European Central Bank he had tabled a bid to buy out the Euro for 1 Trillion UK pounds. The bid is backed by Goldman Sachs...
Read full story1066 and all that Jazz!
Being utterly incapable of lateral thinking once again David Cameroon and his motley crew of well britched imbeciles blunder ever forth with one naff policy after another. As Phil 'the sage' Schofield would say, "and in no particular order here are the results of the Coalition Governments barnstorming plans to resurrect a totally fucked UK since January 1st 2011!" Slash thousands of jobs acr...
Read full storyWedding Horror Feared
Buckingham Palace is in turmoil at the prospect of strikes being called to coincide with the wedding of William and Kate. The Queen, in a private audience with David Cameron has expressed her horror at the possibility of strikes and the Government...
Read full storyAlternative MP's initials Descriptions
Our reporter Inchcock was musing as he was attending to his ablutions, and wrote down a list of alternative names that would represent MPs = Members of Parliament. Here is the resulting scribble. He did say he intended to create more, but unfortunately he ran out of paper, he thought he's got a spare roll, but no! Malicious People - Macabre Personages - Machinating People Maladapted Parliame...
Read full story127 Hours Shocks Norwich Cinema-Goers
A cinema has had to put up a warning sign after film fans passed out when they watched gory scenes in Danny Boyle's 127 Hours. The film tells the story of Aaron Alston who amputated his own arm when he was trapped by a boulder for five days. Bu...
Read full storyQVSee+1 is launched on Freeview
Popular Shopping channel, QVSee is to launch a +1 (pronounced Plus One) channel that repeats the main QVSee channel, but an hour delayed. "We think that this will be something our viewers would make full use of," said QVSee owner Quentin Victor Se...
Read full storyTina Fey, Johnny Depp, and Robert Pattinson To Star In "Crosshairs - The Sarah Palin Story"
HOLLYWOOD - Famed Italian director Luigi Luigiani has just announced that he will soon be directing Tina Fey and Johnny Depp in the production of Crosshairs - The Sarah Palin Story. Luigiani, who has directed some of the biggest actresses in Holly...
Read full storyLondon Theatre Roundup
Hello luvvies, this is Cecil Poofburger, and here is this week's summary of theatrical happenings in London's West End. This Thursday marks the opening of "Bizz", the musical hit show based on the songs of the 1980s band "Bucks Fizz". The show is unusual for a West End production in being only 55 minutes long. It is also unusual in featuring an audience participation segment where theatre-goers...
Read full storyYucatan's Green Guacamole Drug Cartel Issues A Stern Warning To Topeka's Fanatical Westburro Atheist Church
COZUMEL, Mexico - The Cozumel Cha Cha Cha Times is reporting that the Green Guacamole Drug Cartel, which is based in Tulum, Yucatan, Mexico has just ended a three day seminar and convention in the resort town of Cozumel. Pablo Pedro Salsa De Fuego...
Read full storyWillow Palin Has An Out-of-Control Fantasy Fetish About Justin Bieber
WASILLA, Alaska - The television news program Tittle Tattle Tonight is reporting that Sarah Palin's second daughter, the non-dancing Willow Palin, has admitted to having an out-of-control fetish regarding Justin Bieber. Willow "The Pillow" as her...
Read full storyLiverpool Sack Dalglish!
In the most amazing managerial turnaround ever seen in English football, Liverpool last night sacked new manager Kenny Dalglish after just two games in charge, in the aftermath of the Reds' 2-1 defeat at Blackpool. Dalglish only took the reins at...
Read full storyBoeing announces delivery schedule for 787!
Everett, WA - Today Jim Albaugh, President and CEO of Boeing's Commercial Airline division announced at a press conference that delivery of the oft-postponed Boeing 787 Luxury Airliner will be April 1, 2025. After hearing the collective gasp insid...
Read full storyWounded Congresswoman Refuses To Talk to President Obama
Representative Gabrielle Giffords, the Congresswoman wounded along with 14 others in an assassination attempt in Tuscon, Arizona, is guilty of a perceived slight, when she refused to speak with President Obama, who visited her just before sucking the...
Read full storyBankers in Bunkers - Bonkers!
Terrified top bankers from London's City area have fled to specially fortified bunkers deep underground in a secret location, though this paper can reveal that it is somewhere under the English Channel. It is thought that a series of bunkers for use...
Read full storyAdam Lambert Gets The Horn In Nantucket
There is far more to openly gay pop star Adam Lambert, who was runner-up in the 8th season of American Idol, than simply looking like Elvis Presley's Gay Nephew or being a big girl's blouse and milking his sudden fame for all it is worth, writes Beli...
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