Written by Erskin Quint

Thursday, 13 January 2011

image for Adam Lambert Gets The Horn In Nantucket
A Surprising Connection With Nantucket: Some Gothic Tousling Yesterday

There is far more to openly gay pop star Adam Lambert, who was runner-up in the 8th season of American Idol, than simply looking like Elvis Presley's Gay Nephew or being a big girl's blouse and milking his sudden fame for all it is worth, writes Belinda Barrelscraper for Desperate Farrago Magazine.

Adam famously attended Mount Camel High School, where he learned how to mount a camel while being high. He quickly learned to enjoy mounting the camel while high and was very good at it very quickly. Unfortunately, he was unable to graduate from Mount Camel High. Despite frequently mounting the camel (who he got very close to and named "Humphries", after his favourite gay icon John Inman who played outrageously-gay character Mr Humphries in British 70s sitcom Are You Being Served?), Adam never learned to ride it, and so was unable to graduate.

Adam quickly became good at musicals, starring as Dolly in Hello, Dolly! and as Wendy in Peter Pan. He also enjoyed a successful winter season in the UK, playing Widow Twankey in pantomime at Scarborough to Dale Winton's towering Aladdin. Adam learned so much from Dale Winton, and really benefitted from playing underneath Dale, who equally enjoyed towering over Adam. The irrepressible pair became known to the rest of the cast as Hinge and Bracket, and exchanged addresses, phone numbers, and so much more.

Famously, in an interview with Gothic Poodle Magazine, Adam claimed that he decided to audition for American Idol after experiencing a psychedelic experience at an illegal Salad Tossing and Hair Tousle in the Nevada Desert. There, he experimented with divers fungi. As a result of these experimentations and experiences, Adam had a vision of "like awesome salads, with these so cool combinations of different mushrooms and greens, and everybody having really radically tousled so Goth hair and all, as they tossed and tossed.

"I realised there and then, that we all had our own power", continued Adam. "I knew that I had to make my own salads from then on in, tousle my own Goth hair, toss for myself, and not let myself be tossed off by just anyone any more."

The rest, of course, is history, but now Adam Lambert has shocked the world of manufactured mediocrity once more, with fresh revelations about his interesting and radical depths.

For after watching a TV wildlife documentary one evening while he was staying in, tossing and tousling himself, Adam chanced upon a programme about the wildlife of the Arctic.

He was fascinated by this programme, which featured the narwhal, the mottled, toothed whale with a long, straight, helical tusk. He watched, open-mouthed, as the show took him on a journey with the migrating narwhals, from their West Greenland summer pastures to the wintering grounds deep beneath the pack ice of Baffin Bay, where they were able to feed on the extensive populations of Greenland Halibut.

Adam was particularly excited by the projecting tusks of the narwhals, and it was not long after the show finished, and after he had completed that evening's tossing and tousling, that he was on the internet looking things up. Once he had finished looking those things up, and had downloaded the images and enjoyed a further session of tossing and tousling, he then looked up about narwhals.

And so it was that within a week, Adam was to be found in Nantucket, Massachusetts. "Why on earth", you might well enquire, "would Adam Lambert be visiting a rough old whaling port, apart from the obvious reasons involving a brutal encounter with an old tar possessing a rolling mariner's gait, a taste for pungent tobacco and, in lieu of the unavailability of female company at the end of a night of rum and fisticuffs, a pretty tousled tosser of an openly-gay boy pop star to warm his hammock?"

Well, actually, Adam was mainly in Nantucket to visit Old Peg-Leg's Scrimshaw Cabin, the emporium that sold whaling artifacts and crafts. Whether he also in fact occupied the evil-smelling hammock of an elderly pipe-smoking mariner, it is not for me to say at this juncture.

But it was certainly from Old Peg-Leg's Scrimshaw Cabin that Adam emerged, with a genuine 18th century carved narwhal tusk.

This tusk, which Adam likes to think of as a "sea unicorn's horn" possessing magical qualities, was soon occupying a privileged display location on the wall of Adam's Gothic apartment in Tombstone, Arizona, where he goes sometimes, to relax, toss and tousle.

So that is how Adam Lambert got the horn in Nantucket.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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