Spurs Do Italian Job - Gattuso Does Nut Job
Stormy night in la bella Italia with much for the afficionado to discuss. It rained incessantly in Milan, and indeed on Milan, especially in the 80th minute when Aaron Lennon picked the ball up in his own half, charged at the Milan defence, skipped a...
Read full storyEgyptian Students Carve Massive "Great Sphinx-ter of Giza" in Honor of Mubarak
The Great Sphinx-ster of Giza (or, commonly, the Ass-Hole) is a statue of a reclining or couchant sphinx-ster (a not so mythical ass-hole with the likeness of Mubarak's head protruding) that stands on the Giza Plateau on the west bank of the Nile in...
Read full storyFlamini Tackle "An Absolute Disgrace" - Harry Redknapp On Sky Sports
Following Tottenham Hotspurs' dramatic 1-0 away win in the Champions League against Milan in the San Siro, happy Harry Redknapp joined his old mates, Graeme Souness, and Jeff Stelling alongside his son Jamie in the Sky Sports studio. He called Sou...
Read full storySuspicions Grow About Kate Middleton's Believability
After several years in the public eye, Royal watchers are beginning to voice their concerns about Kate Middleton's perfection. No matter how hard they try, they just haven't been able to find any fault with her. She's not fat, she's not anorexi...
Read full storyTottenham steal spaghetti in Milan and Crouch "nicks" the bolognese!
Tottenham Hotspur were caught "red-footed" in Milan tonight stealing the spaghetti off of the Italians plates and not paying for their pizza's. They were on a mission to prove that pasta doesn't belong to the Italians any more, it's all over the w...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus' Dad Billy Ray Cyrus Blames Miley's Friends For "Sexploiting" Her
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Miley Cyrus took her little 11-year-old sister Noah Whaley Cyrus to Target to purchase some of her favorite candy Gummy Bears. While in the store all of the shoppers as well as the employees were all watching and ooohing and aaah...
Read full storyBrit Award Organisers Criticised for Hiring Justin Bieber
The organsisers of the Brit awards have been criticised for hiring Justin Bieber. The criticism comes from the Society for real music and, it is thought to be in response to the recent accusations that Justin Bieber is a robot. He appeared on the...
Read full storyNew cat catches rats at Nr 10!
After many months of a "catless" existence in Nr 10 the UK PM decided to trot off to Battersea Dogs and Cats home to buy Larry the Cat, not Felix, Larry. The carers at Battersea advised PM Cameron about Larry and thought he would do a good job hun...
Read full storyLarry The Downing Street Cat Catches a Suspicious Mouse
Larry, the Downing Street Cat, has caught a suspicious looking mouse on his first day of duty. The mouse is said to have been of a mechanical type made from wood and rabbit fur. It also contained a small tape recorder and a spy camera thought t...
Read full storyClean Sweep for Premiership Stars
English Premiership stars have made a clean sweep in the Most Negative European Players of 2010 awards . The honour, selected by sports journalists in the European Union, is judged on the basis of the number of square or back passes completed per...
Read full storyBilly Ray Cyrus Claims "Hannah Montana" Wiped Out His Family!
Singer Billy Ray Cyrus is now claiming that his daughter, Miley Cyrus's role on the Disney show "Hannah Montana" ruined his marriage and has sent his wayward daughter to the far corners of the wayward winds. "I blame that show for all our trouble...
Read full storyPresident Obama Proposes Rolling Energy Blackouts Across the US
In an address to the nation later on this week, President Obama will announce that the nation's dependence upon foreign oil and energy has placed the country in debt and that the best and most simple solution is to have rolling blackouts all winter a...
Read full storyRicky Martin Award
Pop singer Ricky Martin says he's delighted to be receiving an award for coming out last year. In August, Martin finally confirmed long standing suspicions by admitting that he mimed during his last series of sold out concerts and also used a body...
Read full storyOMG!! Downing Street cat bites Baby Flo Cameron! Dave and Sam Cam blame bastard fox!
London - (Meow Meow): A piercing scream from the nursery sent Samantha Cameron rushing upstairs this afternoon. Lying in her little cot distraught baby Florence was yelling blue murder as new arrival Larry the Cat sauntered gracefully from the roo...
Read full storyAris v City - Hundreds Demand Ticket Refunds
Furious scenes in Salonika yesterday evening ahead of the Aris Salonika v Manchester City Europa League knockout round first leg tie, as hundreds of Aris fans angrily demanded ticket refunds. Apparently, the fans were labouring under the misapprehens...
Read full storyKeep Fit At Work for U.K. Employees
Medical researchers are recommending that exercise apparati should be introduced into British workplaces to improve employees' health. U.S. scientists said sedentary habits were one of the greatest dangers to workers health in the 21st Century and...
Read full storyI Interview Slab of Rock Claiming to Be The Original Rosetta Stone
I met with a Mr. Slabstone in the wilderness between Egypt and Israel today (though I suppose it was closer to the Negev Desert than anything). Mr. Graniticus I. Slabstone has recently been accusing the press and academia of following an impostor, for he claims that he is the real Rosetta Stone! My interview with Mr. Slabstone follows: Interviewer(ME): Well, thanks for meeting me here...
Read full storyMechanic Fits Part Quicker Than Kwik Fit Fitter
We've all probably heard the famous song 'You Can't fit Quicker Than A Kwik Fit Fitter' and thought what is all that about? Well, today, Paul Spanner, 23, a mechanic from Toolbridge in Derbyshire has ripped up the record books. Kwik Fit are fam...
Read full storyMubarak Sends Obama Valentine Day's Camel
As is the custom in Egypt when returning favors, former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, bestowed on President Obama the reins to his beloved pet racing camel, Spigot. The speedy dromedary was twice Egyptian Grand Champion in the 10,000 meter i...
Read full storyMan Ties Machine in Jeopardy Championship
In front of a large studio audience, human Brad Rutter tied an IBM Computer named "Watson" at a game of Jeopardy on the first day of their battle over who or which is the smarter. "Watson", the IBM Computer, even got a question right about the Bea...
Read full storyThe Year of the Minorities
Looking back now - and certainly with the benefit of hindsight - the last 2 and a quarter years has certainly been a period when minorities were at last given much needed access to previously designated no go areas. On January 20th, 2009 Barack Obama was inaugurated as the first African American President of the United States. On May 11th, 2010 Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats came to...
Read full storyVirgin Cabin Crew Most Attractive
There was outrage today from certain circles when once again Virgin Airlines Cabin Crews were voted the most attractive by flyers. Spokesman for Independent Airline 'UBBWP' (Ugly Buggers But We're Polite) voiced his anger at a Press Conference th...
Read full storyBritish PM Changes Tack
In an attempt to turn the tide of public opinion, which at present isn't behind his Big Society initiative, Coalition Leader David Cameron is getting back to basics. In order to avoid the elitist, public school image that so many of his detractors use to beat him with, Cameron is making a serious effort to appear less remote form the rest of the country by making government seem more down to ea...
Read full storySocial Security Checks to be Cut in Half!
In an agreement after a hard fought battle, both the President and the Republican-led congress have agreed to "bite the biggun" and cut millions of social security checks in half, beginning on July 1st, the start of the 2012 fiscal year. "Of cours...
Read full storyWill President Obama Announce His Resignation at News Conference This Week?
After much discussion with political friends and with his own family many believe that President Barack Hussein Obama may announce his resignation during a speech he will make this week. "It's about time", stated freshman Senator Rand Paul. "He sh...
Read full storyThe Very Well-Endowed (Bosomy) Irina Shayk Graces The Cover of The 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
NEW YORK CITY - One of the most beautiful women to ever come out of Russia is Irina Shayk and she is this years 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl. Irina Shayk, a 25-year-old stunningly attractive model from Yemanzhelinsk, Russia be...
Read full storyPrince William announces Stag Night
Prior to the royal wedding, and in keeping with general laddish behaviour, Buckingham Palace has announced details of the official Royal Stag night out to celebrate the young prince's last "nights of freedom". One of the Royal Household's men at a...
Read full storyIrish Olympic Team to practice and live outside London prior to 2012 games
With the Chinese Olympic team deciding to use Leeds, The USA team East London and the Jamaican track and field team using Birmingham prior to the 2012 Olympics, the Irish Olympic squad have announced details of where they plan to spend their practice...
Read full storySchool Teacher's Shame
A school teacher, 45, whose identity cannot be divulged, has been accused of indecent behaviour. Chief Superintendent, Geoffery Quick, announced just some of the incriminating evidence against the man - who lives in the only house with a garage in...
Read full storyBodysnatch priest saga: cops ponder ground penetrating radar dig at ex-altar boys finishing school
Henley - (Unholy Mess): Police searching for the remains of a 'Mexican-ish' Polish youth at the core of bodysnatch charges may bring in high tech equipment to excavate the grounds of a former school. Witold Orlowski's corpse was dug up and alleged...
Read full storyJustin Bieber, Adam Lambert to Star in New Movie Remake
News has just arrived here that singer Justin Bieber has signed with a top Hollywood studio to do a new version of an old movie, something seldom done in Hollywood these days. "Justin is a natural for the movie", stated Producer Hiram Crabtree for...
Read full storyBedouin tribes link squalid Katie Price to downfall of the Queen
Middle East - (Shark El Sheikh): Expect Tunisian and Egyptian turmoil to spread to Great Britain angry camel-raising Bedou tribesmen said today. A letter to the Daily Smearer from the Sinai Peninsula's nomadic leaders warns that 'crazy tarts' like...
Read full story'ENEMA' puts TV Psychic in hospital
Merseyside's best-loved 'Psychic medium/comedian' Mr Derek Acorah was dramatically rushed to hospital yesterday following a freak accident whilst performing live in his new stage show 'ENEMA'. The 61 year old Scouser who uses a varied mixture of...
Read full storyChris Moyles in Christmas Holiday Outrage!
Did anyone miss the CHRISTMAS OUTRAGE on the Chris Moyles show in December? For those of you who did, here's a recap. On December 24th 2010, fatso Moyles and some of his hippy friends staged a RANT (disguised as a Christmas song) that lasted for almost five minutes. Listeners of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show were horrified as Moyles used the station to whine about a lack of food. Moyles' weal...
Read full storyStratford, Ontario, home of Justin Beiber, building an extension to the town
The Mayor of Stratford, Ontario, home of Justin Beiber, has announced that the town is having to add an extension as it cannot cope with the growing influx of Beiber fans and their parents/chaperones. Stratford, before Justin Beiber, was famous for its Shakespearean plays - and still is - but more and more tourists are flocking to the town as Beiber fans are driven in by parents or other adults...
Read full storySoap Stars Unite To Ensure Valid Votes For Characters
TV's soap-land has gone in to a frenzy this week with major stars from all corners of the entertainment universe uniting for one cause, to give equal votes to their characters. Ken Barlow, no relation to Gary, who lives at number 1 Coronation Stre...
Read full storyRoseanne Barr To Return To Television In Her New Sit-Com "I've Got Nuts!"
HOLLYWOOD - The comedienne who President Gerald Ford once said was his favorite all-time favorite fat humorist will be returning to the small screen (unless of course one happens to own a big screen TV). Barr, who was once married to comedy writer...
Read full storyHow Justin Bieber Helped the Revolution in Egypt
Now that there has been an overthrow of the government of Egypt by the people there, many of the protesters are claiming that singer Justin Bieber spurred them on with his encouraging music. "It is now being heard in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and...
Read full storySpider-Man Grounded by New York State Department of Labor
When "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" premieres on March 15, there will be one change that is readily apparent to the audience. Spider-Man won't be doing much more than walking or crawling. Spinning a web, flying across the stage, and climbing up tall...
Read full storyMadonna and Angelina Jolie to club together to buy Haiti
Both Madonna and Angelina Jolie have tried to help some of the unfortunate victims of the Haiti earthquake in 2010 by taking them into their own families through the adoption process. Madonna's application has been flatly refused, whilst Jolie's i...
Read full storyNew Downing Street mouser 'just another useless Tory fat cat'
London - (Paws 4 Thought): The fur is really flying today amid accusations the new No 10 pussy is yet another useless Tory fat cat. Worried vermin control operatives reckon the sumptuous centrally heated government HQ will soon see feline Larry s...
Read full storyApple block iVoiceMorph
A new Applelet for the iPhone has been blocked for sale by Apple. Called iVoiceMorph, the app changes the timbre and pitch of the speaker's voice into one of a range of downloadable voices in real time. "It was meant to be a bit of a hoot," said a...
Read full storyElectrocuted horse trainers 'blame Vince Cable'
Newbury - (Bolt From The Blue): Was Glib-Dem 'live wire' Vince Cable really responsible for a couple of nags dropping dead ahead of the 2.30 at Newbury last Saturday? Of course not. But some worried jumps trainers remain unconvinced ahead of p...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Leads Fight to Change America's National Anthem
Christina Aguilera has had enough of the criticism for her flubbing the Star-Spangled Banner during this year's Super Bowl. She claims that only a handful of Americans actually know all the words to the 'incredibly difficult and outdated' song and be...
Read full storySafer Swimming
After a series of mishaps in public swimming pools, the government have decided to step in and bring the public swimming baths rule sheet up to date. No longer will it display No Running, No Bombing, No Petting and No Food or Drink. Instead, H...
Read full storyParis Hilton to Star in Remake "The Many Loves of Paris Hilton" Reality Show
A new reality show with Paris Hilton is on slate this summer on the FOX Network, loosely based on the old black & white television series, "The Many Loves of Dobbie Gillis". The new show will be a reality show as Paris Hilton plays the diffic...
Read full storyMore woe for Kevin Costner as lawsuit alleges 'Waterworld prophecy' invention share scam
New Orleans - (Crude Business): Last month the Field of Dreams actor was dragged in to a sleazy Brit peer-smear tart's Sunday Smoke 'N' Mirrors sex rant. This week Kevin Costner faces The Usual Suspects star Stephen Baldwin in the New Orleans fede...
Read full storyHarry Potter and the Coalition Government, part 2
Chapter Two: The Lost Wizard Generation The Hogwarts Express pulled up to the railway station and Harry and his friends got off, stretching. Owing to the recent cuts made by the company who now owned the magical train, it had been standing room only from London to Scotland for the late arrivals. Harry didn't mind though, as he had just noticed who was standing on the platform. "Ron!" he sai...
Read full storySuBo's cat recruited by Government!
Susan Boyle's cat Pebbles has today started work for the Scottish Government as chief rat catcher for the West Lothian area. "We've had no end of problems with rats in the West Lothian area. The population seems to increase in early April, when th...
Read full storyJordan's kids seized in dawn swoop by Social Services
In a shock move the children of glamour model Jordan have been seized in a dawn swoop by social services. Jordan, otherwise known as Katie Price, is said to be devastated by what has happened. She is shocked that former husband Peter Andre has 'g...
Read full storyMillions of masturbating men left frustrated by The Black Swan
Despite the success of the Black Swan at the box office, it has been exclusively revealed that millions of men have been left frustrated by what masturbating film critics are calling "a complete and utter cock tease." Millions of men, expecting to...
Read full storyAnne Robinson's Affair With Alastair Cambell
Anne Robinson waded into the ageism and sexism row at the BBC. The sexy cougar was back to her dominatrix best and has revealed that she and co-presenter Alastair Campbell were an item. Anne and Alastair have been presenting a new television progra...
Read full storyUS President Barack Obama unveils plans for $7.2 trillion (£4.5 trillion) mega-deficits to bankrupt the USA
Washington DC, USA: US President Barack Obama unveiling plans for $7.2 trillion (£4.5 trillion) of deficit spending over the next decade, will test the bond markets with mega-deficits, whilst making little attempt to control the spiralling costs of...
Read full storyNew Chinese coke run to rival outdated Panama Canal
Bogota - (High Times): A Chinese-Colombian joint venture will link the Atlantic and Pacific coasts in South America, bypassing the tedium of the Panama Canal's heavily patrolled waters. These are in the iron grip of the US Navy and DEA and account...
Read full storyLarry has Image Problems
The new No 10 cat, engaged to deal with the rat problem at the address is worried about his image, sources close to the Prime Minister revealed today. 'Larry is not a lamb' explained Cameron's new Communications Officer 'but he is beginning to loo...
Read full storyJordan Announcement Sends Rapper Usher Into Hiding
Rapper Usher was today said to be drawing up emergency plans to avoid limelight junkie Jordan - aka Katie Price - following her announcement that she has a crush on him. The shock announcement appears in this week's top celeb organ Heat magazine.
Read full storyThe Role of Facebook and Twitter in History's Revolutions
There's been a lot of debate recently over the role social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter played in the recent Egyptian uprising, however very little has been mentioned of their importance in history's other great revolutions. In this report, we chronicle the significant contributions social media sites have played in helping to foment past rebellions throughout the world. But bef...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Remembers The Music At Style Awards
Glamour puss and national treasure Cheryl Cole had her memory jogged as she picked up a gong at the Elle Style Awards last night. Looking stunning in a red, full-length £3,000 Alexander McQueen gown with a plunging neckline, Cheryl arrived fashion...
Read full storyArmy Apologises For E Mails
A red faced Ministry of Defence spokesman has issued a public apology to 38 soldiers who were advised by e mail that they were being made redundant. The official stated "It is with great regret that we used this unprecedented form of communique to...
Read full storyLondon Olympics Schedule Unveiled
London 2012 chairman Lord Seb Coe has welcomed the publishing of the 2012 Olympic schedule. "The excitement is palpable and everyone in the country realises that this great event is just round the corner". Some of the main dates for the games (which run from July 28 to August 12th) are - July 28th - The whole transport system grinds to a halt. July 29th - First cyclist tests positive...
Read full storyNew TV Broadcasting Code Announced
A new broadcasting code for TV channels is to come into effect at the end of this month. Announcing sweeping new guidelines covering, amongst other things, product placement and programme quality, an OFCOM spokesman explained "Its clear that , th...
Read full storyUpcoming Dramas on BBC
The BBC are pulling out all the stops in their efforts to re-establish their reputation for producing cutting edge product for the TV. The first in a series of thought provoking dramas is coming to the screen later this year in the shape of "The First Lesbian", which tells the story of the openly gay Anne Lister in the 1880's. An unnamed source from the Beeb has revealed that other scheduled...
Read full storyTiger Woods Spits All The Time At Home - And Worse!
Former world number 1 golfer Tiger Woods has apologised for the spitting incident that cost him a fine at the Dubai Desert Classic, but says he does it all the time at home. Woods spat on the ground, a few feet from the hole, after missing a putt...
Read full storyPremiership Star In Court
Newcastle United skipper Kevin Nolan has been fined almost £4000 after pleading guilty of speeding in a built up area. 28 year old Nolan, top scorer at the club since the £35 million January transfer window of Andy Carroll to Kenny Dalglish's Live...
Read full storyAshley Tisdale and Brenda Song Deny That They Went Camping In The Buff At Yosemite National Park
HOLLYWOOD - Two of the Disney Channels most popular stars Ashley Tisdale and Brenda Song are both staying busy pouring over movie scripts from many of Tinsel Town's motion picture companies. Tisdale became famous by portraying Naddie Fitzpatrick,...
Read full storyThe Grammys Biggest Surprise: Esperanza Spalding Cannot Believe She Beat Out Justin Bieber For Best New Artist
LOS ANGELES - Classic chamber musician-singer Esperanza Spalding says that she still finds it difficult to accept the fact that she actually beat out one of the world's most popular young male singers, Justin Bieber, for Best New Artist at the 53rd G...
Read full storyThe Shockingly Stunning Reason Why Barbie Roberts Is Divorcing Ken Carson
HOLLYWOOD - One of the most celebrated marriages in America is sadly coming to an end. Tittle Tattle Tonight is reporting that the marriage between Barbara Millicent "Barbie" Roberts and Ken Carson will soon be over. "Barbie" Roberts, 51, spoke...
Read full storyMen's Quilting Circle Places First in International Quilting Competition
A group of unemployed iron workers from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania have taken first place in the annual International Quilting Bee held this year in Lexington, Kentucky. Quilters from all over the world competed for this year's grand trophy. The iro...
Read full storyPeter Barlow Goes Mental In Church Wedding Blessing
From SEN's 'Sorry but we couldn't resist it Dept.' - Weatherfield bookmaker Peter Barlow today took leave of his senses and completely lost it at a ceremony to bless his death-bed wedding to Leanne Battersby as was. Barlow, injured and almost kill...
Read full storyQueensland on cassowary alert
Australia - Authorities in Queensland have issued a warning to local residents - and more importantly - tourists, to stay the heck away from cassowaries. The cassowary is a flightless bird with a blue head, standing six feet tall, weighing in at 1...
Read full storyGay Man In Condom Mix-up
A man from Manchester who has, since birth, been cruelly stricken down with Homosexiphilia, has told how an innocent mistake talking to some youngsters in a childrens playground almost led to him being deprived of his liberty at Her Majesty's Pleasur...
Read full storyEric Pickles a deep pan pizza in a suit
It is his mission to cut hard and cut often. He will search out every corner of his department and he will be savage. Nothing is safe from his beady eyes. The Right Honourable, Eric Pickles, MP, UK Local Government and Communities Secretary, a ro...
Read full storyAuto Windscreens Goes Into Administration, And Other News
According to a business report on the BBC website, the car windscreen company Auto Windscreens has gone into administration, putting 1,100 jobs at risk. The Chesterfield-based company, the UK's second biggest windscreen repair firm, said that it...
Read full storyShock report - goldfish get bored
A shock government report leaked to journalists suggests that goldfish, mainly the ones kept in glass bowls on old people's sideboards or TV sets, actually do get bored. An exhaustive study has revealed that goldfish kept in cramped spaces, such a...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson in Twilight Tripe
Sexy vampire stud Robert Pattinson has got himself involved in a load of twilight tripe, it has been revealed to Tripe News International. Here at Tripe News International we are always first with the tripe news that the other agencies fail to rep...
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