Written by Erskin Quint

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

image for Robert Pattinson in Twilight Tripe
No Stranger To Tripe: A Friend Of Tripe Talks Tripe Yesterday

Sexy vampire stud Robert Pattinson has got himself involved in a load of twilight tripe, it has been revealed to Tripe News International.

Here at Tripe News International we are always first with the tripe news that the other agencies fail to report because they think that the public can't stomach it.

But we at Tripe News International are quite prepared to go the whole hog and bring you the biggest load of tripe. That is why we are always Top When It Comes To Tripe.

Not many people know, for instance, that tripe comes from the stomachs of various beasts, such as pigs, goats, cows, sheep, deer and proboscis monkeys.

OK, we hold up our tripe-stained hands: the bit about proboscis monkeys was a joke. But that only proves our point that there is more to tripe than meets the uninitiated eye. Further, it also proves that we really are Top For Tips and Trivia On Tripe. Where else have you ever seen a reference to proboscis monkey tripe? Think about it. Then, when you have thought about it, admit it: Tripe News International Is Uniquely Full of Tripe Morsels Nobody Else Can Provide.

So, in keeping with our reputation for Tripe Triumphs, we are delighted to be able to reveal all about Robert Pattinson's Twilight Tripe.

Recently, Robert Pattinson was taking time out from filming Twilight Saga: Breaking Down in 19th century Dublin. The film company chose 19th century Dublin for its atmosphere of smelly menace, which they thought would boost the flimsy premises of 21st-century teenage vampire angst underpinning the silly film they were making.

There really probably isn't any way to boost the flimsy premises, but never mind. We've just had a whole paragraph without a reference to tripe*** and it's time to remedy that.

Robert was strolling. It was evening. That is, it was the gloaming, the crepuscule, the twilight. Robert entered some foggy, soot-encrusted back streets where all was gloomy. Far off, he could hear the cries of the cockle and mussel traders and the raucous strangulated cries of prostitutes giving blowjobs to bishops and top librarians.

The cobbles were slippery. Startled by a shifting shade of a suggestion of a shape at his back, Robert forgot to watch where he was putting his feet. He stumbled, and fell over an upturned wooden barrow. Choking, struggling for air, he seemed to have fallen into a nest of writhing octopuses.

Fearing death from the deadly tentacles of these dying octopuses, Robert cried out. "Help!" he shouted. "Help me, I am in danger from these terrible octopuses."

Luckily, his plaintive pleas were heard by Mr Mick O'Looney, an Irish Butcher, whose Blarney Street butcher's shop or Shambles all this was happening at the back of. Robert was safe.

Mick O'Looney soon had Robert hauled out of the upturned barrow. "Bejabers, begorrah, and it's in amongst the tripes ye hev fallen, to be sure", said Mick O'Looney, as he hosed Robert down with his genuine leather hose pipe, for he was a member of the Blarney Street Fire Engine Crew as well as being a butcher specialising in tripe.

"Ye's hev surely fallen in amongst de tripe 'dis twilight, me puir wee feller", said Mick O'Looney. "Dat is de barrow dat is full of me bestest tripes fer the market tomorrer, to be sure, it is, to be sure, oh yes indeed.

"Oi hev only de tripes from de furst tree chambers of de cow's stomach in dat barrow, me boy", said Mick O'Looney, pulling Robert through his genuine Tudor Horse Mangle to dry him off after the hosing.

"Oi never has none o' that reed tripe, owin' to its glandular tissue content puttin' off de customers, begorrah, bejabers and begob."

Once he was hosed and mangled, Robert thanked Mick O'Looney for all he had done, and made his way home. On his way home he pondered, and considered. And cogitated.

And contemplated, as he carefully trod the filthy cobbles of 19th century Dublin and fended off the importunate child prostitutes and bowler hat salesmen.

Robert meditated upon tripe, as it had been expounded by Mick O'Looney.

Especially the bit about unwashed or "green" tripe, which contains some of the last contents of the beast's stomach. Mick O'Looney had explained that this tripe, though repellant to many humans, is yet considered, by humans, as suitable for dogs to eat.

Robert's head was full of twilight tripe and of how different types of tripe can be dressed up as a delicacy that appeals to different customers when in the end it's all just tripe.

And that was Robert Pattinson's twilight tripe experience.

This exclusive exclusive was brought to you by Tripe News International.

Tripe News International: we are always full of tripe and we are top for tripe too.

Tomorrow: Why David Cameron's Head is Full of 18th Century Tripe


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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