Popeye Dead After Eating E.Coli Tainted Spinach
The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs announced today that Popeye the sailor had died after eating spinach that was tainted with E. Coli bacteria. The USDA had issued warnings concerning possible bacterial exposure from tainted spinach a couple...
Read full storySpoofer Found to Be Ironically Post-Modern
BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - Spoofer Inhopeless today, was found to be absolutely ironic today after his spoofs were suggesting he was being post-modern. "You see," said Erskin Quint, a fellow spoofer, "it appears that he has written self-referential articl...
Read full storyBritish people too thick to understand AV claims senior Conservative
A senior Conservative and supporter of the 'No to AV Campaign' has gone on record as saying that the British electorate is way too stupid to be trusted with a complex voting system like the Alternative Vote. Conservative Party whip Sir Quentin Smy...
Read full storyCharles Manson To Write His Memoirs
Los Angeles, CA - Serial killer and arch fiend Charles Manson reportedly is busily fiddling around in his jail cell writing his memoirs. The publishing company, "Bloodthirsty Junk Online, Inc." contacted him via his "celebrity serial killer c...
Read full storyGlenn Beck's Earth Day Message: "Global Warming Is Caused by Humans - Socialist Nazi Humans!"
In his annual Earth Day message, media luminary Glenn Beck blamed world inaction in addressing the "real and horrifying reality" of global warming on " a carefully orchestrated plan by Al Gore, George Soros, ACORN and other members of a crypto-soci...
Read full storyTrump Announces Running Mate to be Gary Busey
Donald Trump announced today that Gary Busey, the actor would be his running mate for a 2012 match against the incumbent Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Here is what Trump had to say: "Today after careful and thoughtful consideration I have dec...
Read full storyIntoxicated Local Man Runs Over Easter Bunny
A nation bows it's collective head today as grim news spread throughout the country. A local man, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, was taken into custody early Friday morning as numerous reputable eye-witnesses claimed to wi...
Read full storyEverton Plan To Put A Bomb Under United
Everton have revealed that they intend to blow Manchester United's title bid to smithereens when the clubs meet at Old Trafford over the Easter weekend. It appears that Everton are becoming aggrieved by media reports which suggest that the Merseys...
Read full storyJoint Use Bill Gains Support of Stoners
Stoners throughout the land are excited to learn that a Joint Use Bill is headed to the floor of the State Senate. "It's about time," said Dylan Holdzer, who makes a living selling hemp shirts at Widespread Panic concerts. "I'm glad that our brethren...
Read full storyKids Get Their Own Airline: NoiseAirBlue
A major air carrier announced today that it will be starting a new airline. Their slogan: "all children, all noise, all the time." A spokesman for NoiseAirBlue said, "We're proud to give the adult flying public something they've been beggi...
Read full storyHeadless Body Identified By Dental Records
The headless body recently discovered in a Hampshire river by two local environmentalists has finally been identified, following an exhaustive investigation into local area dental records. DCI George Carter, of the police, explained to a packed pr...
Read full story"He nose yer nose!"
Labour leader, little Eddie Centipeed is to undergo a nose operation due to him sounding too nasal and dripping snot when attempting to string whole sentences together. The Labour PR team think such an operation would make him far more appealing t...
Read full storyGood Friday leads onto Okay Saturday
With the success of Good Friday, when shops up and down the nation report trade is booming bigger than Christmas - mainly because they have to shut at Christmas - merchants of England are asking for more days like Good Friday. "Boxing day is quite...
Read full storyResearchers Say: 99% Of Females Lack The Satire Gene
Rochester, Minnesota: In a study from the famed Institute For Gender Brain Analysis, a sample of over 500,000 women proves that they lack the MP3 gene. Known in genetic research circles as the "Monty Python" genetic marker, science finally has...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Annual Pommel Horse Polo Match a Draw
The annual Pommel Horse Polo match between Wooton and Cowes was held Sunday at Wooton Bridge with both teams struggling valiantly to hold out for a draw. Wooton captain Neil Harcourt said "While Cowes has more experience we have newer pommel horses s...
Read full storyUKIP demands withdrawal from Eurovision Song Contest
The leader of the UK Independence Party, Nifel Garage, has called for the UK to withdraw from the annual Eurovision Song Contest. He called the contest "a joke, a ridiculous waste of tax-payers' money, and a perfect example of how not to run an elect...
Read full storyKissinger to lead US ground invasion of Libya
New York - Wearing an 80 pound back pack and carrying an M16, Dr. Henry Kissinger was last seen boarding a military transport bound for the staging area (classified location) for the Libya invasion. Just prior to departing, Dr. Kissinger, panting from the exertion at his advanced age, held a brief press conference on the tarmac. His statement is given below. For years we have tried...
Read full storySpanish nudist gym offers extra penis and boob insurance?
A Spanish nudist gym, the first of its kind in Spain, has come up with a brilliant idea to insure their punters "private parts" extra just in case they let their weights slip, "ouch"! The gym are offering extra penis and boob insurance in case of...
Read full storyAlaska sold to Saudi Arabia
Alaska - She could see Russia from her house. Today, it's a different story, as Sarah Palin has just announced to a stunned gathering outside her home that Alaska has been sold. "I don't know where I can move to an also-to see Russia from my hous...
Read full storyLakefield District Housing Make an Ass of Themselves
Lakefield District Housing were one of the hot favourites to win a £1000 prize for energy efficiency when they decided to scrap their 25-strong fleet of vans and instead use donkeys for their or haulage of the equipment needed for housing repairs.
Read full storyCharles invites General Pinochet money laundering banker to nuptial freakshow
London - Former Riggs Bank CEO Joe Albritton very nearly went bust before his money laundering Pinochet slushfund was rescued by Mossad. He's now been invited to the 29 April cringefest where royal impostor Prince William ties the knot with Buckle...
Read full storyMcCain Goes to Libya: "Whose side are we on?"
Senator John McCain, dressed in full battle gear, appeared on the tarmac at Andrews Air Force Base this morning to fly to Libya. Surrounded by a battalion of marines, he was heard to ask an aide,"Whose side are we on?" The aide answered "Beats th...
Read full storyJennifer Lopez Is Absolutely Livid At The Fact That 'American Idol' Contestant Casey Abrams Kissed Her
LOS ANGELES - The woman who People Magazine has just named 'The Most Beautiful Woman In The World' is not a happy camper and in fact she is extremely upset. Jennifer Lopez, who has been a fan of American Idol contestant Casey "The Stand Up Bass" A...
Read full storyWildcat Strikes All Over Scotland
Scotland has been hit by a wave of wildcat strikes and the disruption is liable to last all summer. World famous naturalist Richard Attenborough, spokesman for the wildcats, explained the reason for their extreme action : "For years, wildcats t...
Read full storyNo anaesthetic as surgeons prepare to remove Ed Milliband tonsils
London - A National Executive Committee hypnotherapisst will knock out the Labour leader with the power of auto-suggestion, it has been revealed. Milliband, 69, has long complained about a 'frog inside his throat' - thought to be a leftover from a...
Read full storyStoke will trade the FA Cup for Champions League for Manchester City
Rumours are abounding that Stoke City manager, Tony Pulis, has done a deal to ensure that Stoke win the FA Cup. However, the beleaguered Stoke boss has denied any such deal has occurred. "There's absolutely no truth in the rumour at all," said Pul...
Read full storyJubilee Line to be filled with shit
The Mayor of London Boris Johnson has today announced that the Jubilee Line will be closed for good and filled with billions of tonnes of excrement. After months of suffering for commuters who have had to put up with such excuses as broken down tr...
Read full storyThe Aliens are Hiding, that's why we can't find 'em!
Evolutionists are now breathing a sigh of relief as the mystery of the origins of life on Earth might finally be revealed. A boffin of Cambfordshire University, Adrion Kentingsmith, is reported to have announced the following hypothesis in a genui...
Read full storyChef Duff Delivers Royal Wedding Cake
Originally chosen by Kate Middleton based on her love of the hit American reality show "Ace of Cakes", Chef Duff, master pastry chef and cake specialist will be delivering his creation just in time for the ceremony. Having designed cakes for the H...
Read full storyFears for William's Big Dipper as hit squad of shooting stars circles Windsor Castle
Berks - Astrologers working on Prince William's wedding chart reckon he's ploughing his own succession furrow - as a classic swastika formation of Lyrid meteor shower straddlles Windsor skies this Easter weekend. The annual celestial lightshow occ...
Read full storyFears Grow Over Kate's Weight As Royal Wedding Looms
Observers have expressed what they describe as 'very real and substantial fears' over bride-to-be Kate Middleton's weight. Or lack of it. Having spent much of her last days of 'freedom' on shopping trips down Chelsea's Kings Road, the much papp...
Read full storySmog & Drone Horror Feared for Royal Wedding
Fears that anarchists are behind London's Smog Crisis have grown. It is clear to intelligence services that these insurrectionists have mastered the art of weather manipulation! Smog has anarchist footprints all over it. Poisoning the entourage on...
Read full storyBBC 'United' Drama Unlikely To Be A Hit On Merseyside
A BBC drama which depicts events surrounding the Munich air crash of 1958, in which 8 Manchester United players and several fellow passengers lost their lives, is unlikely to be very well received on Merseyside, a BBC insider admitted last night.
Read full storyHeadless Body Pronounced Dead
A pair of environmentalists clearing Japanese bindweed from a Hampshire river had quite a shock when they stumbled across a headless body floating in the gently babbling water. Toby Beanstalk and Jack Jugg relived their horror last night, as they revealed that they didn't initially think that body was a dummy, or some sort of practical joke. They knew right away that it was a decapitated bod...
Read full storyThe Pebble with a Red Streak, Part I
Adolescence, as we all know, lies between childhood and adulthood. At this unique stage, the individual keeps gaining and losing his freedom. Before long, they all yield to the demands of the social system. During this horrible period terrible things may happen. The 14-year old boy of this story, like his peers, was looking for adventures, so he decided to mountain climb alone. When he reach...
Read full storyBlue Peter Dog Laid To Rest
Blue Peter dog Lucy has finally been laid to rest after lying in state in BBC centre reception since her sudden death on April 4th. The 13 year old golden retriever was one of the most famous pets ever and she has been buried in the BBC garden alo...
Read full storyCathay Pacific Shares Tumble
The Honk Kong based airline Cathay Pacific is facing financial ruin after its share value tanked in the wake of the news that pre tax profits for the year ending March 31st, 2011 had plunged by over 50%. Global brand manager Wing Fen Song has been...
Read full storyCongress Completes Investigation of Gas Prices, Conclusion; The Gas Station Signs are all Different
After so many months of suffering through constantly rising gas prices, members of Congress, after being inundated with tens of thousands of e-mails from the American public, decided to actually do something about it, and yes they did. Congress...
Read full storyTaylor Swift States She's Tired of Kanye West Playing The "Victim" And Quips "The Bro Needs To Grow Some!"
DETROIT - Country singing sensation Taylor Swift performed to yet another sold out crowd at The Carburetor Coliseum in MoTown. Swift performed three encores and told the people of Michigan that they had out yelled the recent concert crowds in Wisc...
Read full storyDrogba In Talks Over Future - United Set To Pounce
Didier Drogba's agents are to hold talks with Chelsea officials this week in order to determine whether the powerful Ivorean striker has a future at Stamford Bridge or not. The 33 year old currently has a year remaining on his contract with the cl...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Explains Why She Will Never, Ever Get A Butt Tattoo
LOS ANGELES - Kim Kardashian had just come out of Grauman's Chinese Theater with her sister Khloe. The two had gone to see the new movie Rio. Both sisters were giggling and carrying on as if they were both in high school talking about their footba...
Read full storyTop Cop Predicts Old Firm Carnage
A top cop has predicted "utter carnage" in Scotland ahead of Easter Sunday's Old Firm clash at Ibrox Park between Rangers and Celtic. Inspector Wullie McPherson predicted an upturn of up to 80% on domestic violence figures, principally visited upo...
Read full storyMidget Comic Refuses To Be Called "Little Person"
Courageous midget comedian known professionally as IttyBittyFunnyGuy has taken a great big stand against political correctness by insisting on being called a midget instead of "little person", "vertically challenged" or "dwarf". "I'm a midget an...
Read full storyIn A Real Shocker - Kate Gosselin Says She Wants To Adopt All Six of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's Kids
PARAPARAUMU, New Zealand - Kate Gosselin has traveled with her 8 kids to film episodes of her show Kate Plus 8 in Alaska, Australia, and now New Zealand. She says that next she would like to go and visit the tiny African country of Loombeezi. When...
Read full storyUtah parking meters to collect coins from homeless
Salt Lake - Tossed out on the street? According to local hobo, Jimmy 'smells' Fitzugutta, that is just the beginning of your problems if you want to stay in Utah. Jimmy says he has been followed around by a 'meter maid' carrying a portable parkin...
Read full storyHow will Online Dating Sites Protect Women from Assholes?
Online dating has taken a turn for the better this week when the most popular online dating site decided to screen for sex offenders. Women everywhere can applaud their efforts in trying to keep dating safe. The online dating site, while making...
Read full storyGo Green Activists Have Actual Green Brains
New York - Researchers have discovered that environmentalists and other people who like to "Go Green" actually have a green brain. It has been speculated for the past several years that these types of people might have a green brain. Now, it's...
Read full storyFort Worth Man Gets to Work After Being Protested
Fort Worth - Stephen Kingsley, a 32 year old accountant, decided to work today for the first time. Mr. Kingsley was sitting at his desk on the 4th floor of his building when he heard shouts coming from his window. He wheeled himself over to the window and looked down and saw some people standing around with signs and yelling, "No more slacking!" Mr. Kingsley said he didn't hesitate. He s...
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