Headless Body Pronounced Dead

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Friday, 22 April 2011

image for Headless Body Pronounced Dead
They Found This Bit Later.

A pair of environmentalists clearing Japanese bindweed from a Hampshire river had quite a shock when they stumbled across a headless body floating in the gently babbling water.

Toby Beanstalk and Jack Jugg relived their horror last night, as they revealed that they didn't initially think that body was a dummy, or some sort of practical joke.

They knew right away that it was a decapitated body.

"It was a body right enough," Toby said. "We recognised that much right away. You could tell by the big hairy arse that it was real."

"Horrible it was," Jack confirmed. "All bloated and discoloured and stinking to high heaven. There was no mistaking what it was."

Reacting quickly, the men called the police, who arrived on the scene within minutes.

"The police arrived within minutes," Toby confirmed.

"Yes...minutes..." Jack added.

First on the scene was Sergeant Marty McFly, who immediately confirmed that the body was in fact a body, adding that on account of the missing head, he suspected foul play, or a magician's act gone horribly wrong.

Before adding that he could not pronounce the body dead himself, even though the head was missing. He explained that only a qualified doctor could pronounce life extinct, as that is the law.

"I thought for a minute that the body might still be alive," Toby told reporters. "Because of the police sergeant refusing to pronounce it dead. So I asked if we should administer the kiss of life. At that point, the police sergeant was quite rude to me. He told me not to be so 'fucking stupid.' Which I thought was a bit abrupt."

"Be hard administerin' the kiss of life though, if there's no head," Jack conceded. "I mean - where would you blow? What would you blow into?"

Eventually, Doctor Tag Mulcaghy arrived and pronounced life extinct, giving permission for the appropriate authorities to arrange for its transfer to a local mortuary to enable a post mortem examination to be conducted.

"I knew he was dead from the git-go," Toby nodded sombrely.

"Dead, yes," Jack confirmed. "Him not having a head was a bit of a giveaway..."

"A dead giveaway..."


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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