Labour leader, little Eddie Centipeed is to undergo a nose operation due to him sounding too nasal and dripping snot when attempting to string whole sentences together.
The Labour PR team think such an operation would make him far more appealing to any would-be-voter (whoever he/she might be) as currently he sounds bunged up all the time and tends to sound like he is talking out of his anus.
Mindful that Cameroon is currently decimating the NHS faster than a ferret up a drainpipe 'team Ed' have suggested he 'get some in' toot sweet rather than go private.
The leader of the opposition has often been criticised for his 'drawl' and, during a phone-in on an obscure BBC Radio station recently, one caller, Ms Cynthia Groins, 87, complained about his 'growling voice'. Seemingly,the latter resembled that of a dirty talking heavy breather who had rung her earlier that same week and with whom she had made a date. "The bastard!" said Ms Groins, "we arranged to meet behind the Co-op the next night for a bit of 'how's yer father' and the git never showed up. I was very disappointed to say the least, moreso as I had changed me drawers and even had a brazilian wax in anticipation!"
But Ed's spokesman, Abdul Mustafa-Shit'e told our reporter: "basically Eddie needs an operation on his nasal passages because he has been diagnosed (no pun intended!) with sleep apnoea.....well that's Ed's story anyway...and a deviated septum. Mind you, Eddie has always denied stenuously any involvement in the use of 'sherbert' and besides which, the drug squads Christmas Party fund has already been oiled!"
For the medically uninitiated, symptoms of sleep apnoea - a condition in which a person literally stops breathing while sleeping because the throat muscles over-relax-reportedly include drowsiness during the day, poor performance at work, and the onset of depression. Unofficial figures show that 9 out of 10 politicians currently in the Houses Of Parliament suffer from this complaint and 100% of those within the House Of Lords!!
In the event, plans are afoot to arrange a swift operation for Ed so that his upcoming holidays are not interrupted. Thus, he has been booked into the Royal Free Hospital during May hence and the operation will be performed by renown German surgeon, Dr Josef Mengele, 97 who is flying into London incognito from Paraguay.
Although not yet fully confirmed media investigation has reason to believe that Doctor Mengele is suffering from the onset of Parkinsons disease therefore, standby surgeons will be on hand should the scapel slip while little Eddie is under the influence!
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley swears by Doctor Mengele who, during an unofficial visit to her bedroom in 1999, performed oral surgery on her vagina and made her a real woman!
