Russell Brand in 'I shagged your granddaughter' call to Kate Middleton granny
London - (Satanic Slutz Mess): Stupefied silence greeted the announcement followed by loud hissing sound - like a colostomy bag seething with boiling effluent... "And what's more I've got the bloody vid to prove it!" The former wild man's call...
Read full storyPope lifts ban on condoms
Pope Benedict, in his wisdom, has lifted the Catholic Church's ban on condoms. Many Catholics praise his wisdom. Many 'lapsed Catholics' are rushing back to their churches in droves. Many non-Catholics, even atheists, are converting to Catholicism...
Read full storyCharles: Camilla could be One Legged Pirate
In a mad scramble to obscure the revelation he has long planned for Camilla, Duchess of Co-Respondent to become Queen, The Prince of Wales has suggested his second wife might alternatively become a one-legged pirate trawling the waters off the coast...
Read full storyX-Factor so what's wrong with coming from a council house, Cheryl?
The x-facfor must be approaching the crunch point where the favourites begin to be voted off. Cheryl is becoming worried that she is going to lose one of her girls. Why else would she attack Wagner, on live TV, in front of untold millions? She's...
Read full storyChristmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence
Holy Smokes, VA - The first annual Christmas lights de-tangling contest held at the local BPOE lodge was interrupted late in the evening when one of the contestants, Harvey Smith, pulled a gun on fellow contestant, John Houdini, accusing him of h...
Read full storyWalMart Elitists Swallow Their Pride!
After 20-30 years of mocking others, WalMart elitists have been taken down a notch or two with today's rough economy. "I admit that I used to look down my nose at those people shopping at the Goodwill Stores and the Salvation Army", says one forme...
Read full storyRental Costs Soar for Evil Lairs in Britain
LONDON - The cost of renting a civilian dwelling in Britain has increased by over 4.5%. However, the hardest hit are evil megaminds. Evil geniuses, hit by increasing amounts of police arrests and lack of genius work due to people wanting to watch...
Read full storyMichelle Obama To One day Have Sex Change
The latest thing being rumored around Washington, DC is that Michelle's mother, Ms. Mary Robinson, says her daughter is planning to have a sex change later on after Barack is no longer President and the girls are older. "Michelle would wait until...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Arrested For Pissing On Plane, Causing A Near-Crash
If there's one thing you don't want to do when your flight has been delayed is to have too many drinks at the Airport bar. Someone should have told that to Amy Winehouse. Something else she needs to know, that even on a two-hour trip it's good...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Out, Ashley Greene In, As Star Of Porn Star Linda Lovelace Movie
The executive producers now say that they have been very patient with Lindsay Lohan during all the trials and rehab time but have decided to pull her from the key role, that of Linda Lovelace in "Inferno". "We have been wasting precious time to ge...
Read full storyHow can I live through this?
'Terry, how can I cope with West Ham losing to Liverpool 3-0?' 'Penny, you have to be thankful it was only three. At half time I thought we were in for double figures.' 'But this can't go on.' 'No. I don't know long Avram has got but I wouldn't be surprised if he goes pretty soon.' 'Do you think that will make any difference?' 'It might. Bob Green's in form and Scott Parker wasn't p...
Read full storyPope Wants Condoms Sometimes
Pope Benedictus is about to recommend the use of condoms in some cases. He feels they could be used in order to reduce the risk of infection with HIV and he is suggesting that celibate priests should use condoms when caring for young people. 'We c...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Mowing of Ditches Neglected
Anybody travelling around our fine island these days can't but be impressed by the prosperity to be seen to and from the big cities to the country and sea to shore. Long-time residents who used to have to walk to school and leave their studies at...
Read full storyMichael Vick Named Pet Store NFL Player Of The Week.
Eagles QB Michael Vick has been named the National Pet Store (NPS) NFL player of the week, after his brilliant 6-touchdown performance against the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football. Sanitized for your protection... Thank goodness, gent...
Read full storyBristol Palin Announces That She Will Be Running For President In 2012
HOLLYWOOD - The seasons Dancing With The Stars dancing sensation Bristol Palin has just announced that due to her tremendous new-found popularity she has decided to run for president of the United States in 2012. Bristol said that her dance partne...
Read full storyGod Remembers 'Earth'
HEAVEN, GOD'S PARADISE - God, also known as Yahweh and Allah, was wondering whatever happened to that planet of humans. "Earf..." he tried to recall. "Earg...something like that." He remembered creating this Earth as a test planet back in the E...
Read full storyNew Laser Camera Can See Into Your Soul
CAMBRIDGE, MA - Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have developed a camera that can see directly into your soul. The camera, developed by a team of twelve students, can see into your deepest desires, your wants, and can help u...
Read full storyOriginal Star Wars Figure sells for record £50,000
An original star wars figure has sold at auction for a record £50,000. It is believed to be one of the first figures ever made and has been in a private collection for over 20 years. The figure was a gold C3PO figure, and had been considered the...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Psychic offered £20 million to reveal all
The psychic who has recently been channelling the musical opinions of Michael Jackson from the other side has been offered £20 million to write a tell-all book. She says that Michael has had quite a lot to say recently and has opinions on lots o...
Read full storyFickle Public Requires Celebrities to Chew and Spit Out to Survive
LOS ANGELES & LONDON - New protests in the media capitals of the world crying for new celebrities have risen. Crowds amassed in Hollywood and London TV/Film studios, demanding new celebrities to build-up and break down. The public, who have...
Read full storyPalace Wedding Warning: Beware Ticket Tout
Buckingham Palace has taken the pre-emptive step of announcing that under no circumstances will the Duchess of York be in a position to sell, lease, trade, swap, barter, boot sale or otherwise undertake to procure invitations to the upcoming nuptials...
Read full storyIrish Medical Study: Combat Modeling Reveals Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Irish Times) - Medical research focusing on the work of British mathematician, Frederick Lanchester, suggests that his theories may explain why women live longer on average than men. Said Dr. Eoin "Sweet Release" O'Death of County Mayo Clinic: "...
Read full storyKate Middleton Reveals her Shock favourite on X-factor
Kate Middleton has revealed her favourite act on X-factor, and its a shocker. Contrary to what people may think, Kate's closest friends have revealed that Kate likes to support the underdog, just like Princess Diana did. And for that reason her...
Read full storyA Top Canadian Miltary Man Erased From the Face of the Earth MOSTLY true story
A top Canadian Military man has been erased as only the Canadians know how to do. This despicable person was allowed to wear his uniform by day, command troops and pick up a huge pay check whilst sexually assaulting and even killing women, by ni...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Shanklin Garden Gnome Factory Expands
MP Andrew Turner was in Shanklin last week attending the opening of an expansion of Gepetto's, a manufacturing plant for painted concrete garden gnomes. Turner said he was pleased to attend and said that the expansion was keeping on track with his On...
Read full storyStudy: Low Pay Reason For Poverty
NEW YORK - Experts from across the globe have convened at the United Nations Conference on Poverty in New York City. The research is shocking. The survey, which was carried out in over two hundred countries over two years, has found out that pover...
Read full storyLack of Vocabulary Means Metaphors Come True
BIRMINGHAM - Across the country, metaphors are becoming true due to lack of vocabulary in citizens. The average person has roughly 5000 words in their vocabulary, with university students having 8000, and chavs having fifteen. Due to this lack...
Read full storyAdolf Hitler Moustache Found In Trifle
The moustache worn on his upper lip by the former German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, has turned up in a trifle in East Germany. Marie Himmler, no relation to the head of the SS Gestapo, Heinrich Himmler, told journalists that she had made the trifle...
Read full storyPelosi's Painted Pursed Lips Brought Both Pain And Pleasure To The New President
Yes, we're talking about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the raccoon-eyed vamp who bobbed up and down behind President Obama while he read his State of the Union speeches from his ever-present TelePrompter. There is nothing sexual about this, unless y...
Read full storyR&B Heart-Throb Darvon asked by FDA to Stop Performing
LAS VEGAS - Romantic soul singer Darvon has announced he will voluntarily comply with an FDA request to stop performing due to serious and sometimes fatal heart rhythm abnormalities in older female members of his audiences. Darvon and the Darvocet...
Read full storyPolice request cigarette smoke colour change for wintry conditions
Smoking Police Officers experiencing breathlessness in wintry conditions through excessive exhaling due to their inability to distinguish between the smoke they are blowing out and natural water vapour created by the cold, have asked for smoke to be...
Read full storyGanja gavage for great smoked duck treat is French farmer's excuse
France - (Sitting Duck Mess): A French farmer who force fed marijuana to his flock of 500 Muscovies told magistrates this week the practice is part of an ancient smoked duck tradition. Police had caught La Gripperie-Saint-Symphorien farmer Michel...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Going for a record
The Wight Hotels and Tourism board (WHAT), are hoping that their latest initiative will help them get into the record books and prove a long standing urban myth. The urban myth in question is that the whole of the world's population could fit onto...
Read full storyWho will be Spielberg's Lincoln?
Steven Spielberg, the legendary producer and moviemaker, is now on the talent scout trail...he is on the lookout for an actor or non-actor to portray the well-loved (the North) and the well-hated (the South) former president of the United States: Abr...
Read full storyX Factor Beatles Haunting Warning
A top psychic has warned that the X Factor house could be haunted by angry dead moptops if they go ahead with plans to have a Beatles theme night today. The controversy-hit show will see Kate Waissel sing Help!, Matt Cardle will perform Come Toget...
Read full storyShield of Umbrellas Gets Go Ahead
Twenty eight umbrellas will be providing protection for Nato countries as a shield against attack from disgruntled students, angry former civil servants and the Unite Union. The trifling cost of this defensive shield will be $270 million. Downing...
Read full storyQueen Camilla - Shock Announcement
As President Obama spared a turkey prior to Thanksgiving in America, the Queen stepped up to save Camilla from the role of Queen, as suggested by Prince Charles in a mumble to American Television. The full announcement from Buckingham Palace read:...
Read full storyThe Guardian Readership's Acceptable Version Of The Lord Of The Rings Part 2
Read this thrilling adventure from the start And so Froduh and his companions approached the hippy haven of Rivendell, where they found the river held against them. A group of 9 black clad Goth riders refused to let the students pass the river. But then Froduh stood up, preaching, "Yeah, like Che Guevara before me, I shall murder thee if thee persists in promoting a different point of vie...
Read full storyGovernor Arnold to do an Al Gore
Today, in Los Angeles, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger is making his presence felt in a large mall's Climate Change Exhibit. He was the guest speaker this afternoon during the inauguration, cutting a rosary of orchids (instead of a meter of...
Read full storyTea Party Admits Fixing Bristol Palin Dancing With The Stars Vote.
According to a statement given by spokespeople for the Tea Party to the Drudge Report, Federal Communications Commission officials will meet with party members, to discuss how they successfully fixed the vote on Dancing with the Stars to allow Bristo...
Read full storyThe Los Angeles Clippers Name LeBron James' Cousin Mumugawi Shambutu James As Their New Coach
LOS ANGELES - After getting off to a dismal 1-12 season the NBA Los Angeles Clippers have fired their head coach and replaced him with Mumugawi Shambutu James, who is a second cousin of LeBron James. Coach James was the head coach of the Cleveland...
Read full storyClues that the Plastic Surgeon You Met at a Nightclub is a Fake
A Boise, Idaho woman has recently been arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license when she was caught giving free breast exams to two women in an Idaho nightclub. In the interest of educating other women out there who might come across someone trying to pull the same scam, I've come up with a list of things to watch out for while out on the town: Clues you may be dealing wi...
Read full storyPrince William's secret marriage plans revealed
London, England. The press are eagerly embarking on a feeding frenzy since it was revealed that the recently engaged to be married Prince William has secretly proposed to about twenty other women including Victoria Beckham, Emily Watson and, surprisi...
Read full storyHillary Clinton to Slash Pentagon Budget, saying, "I Can Kill With Anything"
WASHINGTON - "Why do I need a billion-dollar stealth fighter when I can just shove these chopsticks into your eye sockets," Hillary Clinton told this reporter over lunch at her favorite K Street sushi bar. "I like this place. The food is always fre...
Read full storyHilary Clinton Brokers Blockbuster Trade Deal with N. Korea: GM Stock in Exchange for "Perfect" $100 Courterfeit Bills!
With the US Federal Reserve running 24/7 printing money amidst dire warnings that the special ink and paper were about to 'run out', Secretary of State Hilary Clinton announced the crisis was solved due to a unprecedented "favourable trade" deal with...
Read full storyElton John To Play With Himself On Isle of White
Ludicrous bloated old queen Elton John, 78, is set to play solo on the Isle of White, on 16 June next year, writes Min Singe-Lymprist, Pantomime Dame Correspondent. The announcement by Elton's camp manager Everard Tallboy was issued to the media y...
Read full storyThatcher & her Crystal Ball
Ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has been thrust back into the news headlines this week, as Europe's financial woes continue. To some of the Thatcher-loving broadsheets, her 1993 autobiography reads like a prophecy of the current financial turm...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Confesses That Her Tits Are Too Big
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kim Kardashian was sitting out by her swimming pool reading the latest issue of Carbs and Calories magazine when she was asked by her gardener if it was true that she was getting back together with her ex-boyfriend Dallas Cowboy rec...
Read full storyAirport Security Solution
United Security Systems in Fallon, Nevada, announced today that they are developing a new security system for airports that will make all present systems obsolete. Harry R. Kelton, Director of Development at the Fallon R&D Section stated that...
Read full storyCalendar Earls: Royals to pose starkers in bid to fund Middleton Marriage
Members of the Royal Family will, for the first time ever, pose nude for a calendar, to be sold in aid Prince William's wedding bills. "Well of course we could ask the government to stuff a few more sheets on the press when they're printing their...
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