WASHINGTON - "Why do I need a billion-dollar stealth fighter when I can just shove these chopsticks into your eye sockets," Hillary Clinton told this reporter over lunch at her favorite K Street sushi bar. "I like this place. The food is always fresh," added Ms. Clinton, snapping the head off a wriggling squid.
"As Secretary of State, I've traveled to every corner of the globe, and I've seen shit that would blow your mind. And one thing I've learned is that you can kill with anything.
"In Alaska, Sarah Palin taught me how to stab a deer with its own antler. And in Haiti, Aristide showed me how a powder made from vespertine flower and pufferfish liver can turn your opponent into a zombie."
"In Zimbabwe, Mugabe noticed that when I laugh my mouth gets really big, so he taught me how to dislocate my jaw so I can swallow my prey whole."
"In Papua, I saw a Kombai warrior with a blowdart dipped in snake venom take out David Attenborough from 500 yards.
"In South Korea, they showed me their perfect replica of Kim Jong-il's palace. Like rats learning a maze, starving wolverines are trained to seek out Kim's bedroom. They're rewarded with meat sculpted in the shape of Kim's face.
"In Dharamsala, the Dalai Lama told me about an order of Japanese Zen monks who snuck onto America's Pacific coast in 1940. Using deep meditation, they synchronized their breathing with the resonant frequency of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, causing it to sway and ultimately collapse."
"In Tokyo, an otaku taught me how to hack a Wii controller so that you punch yourself in the face, and how to remotely re-program a Roomba vacuum cleaner to roll into your bed while you sleep and suck your eyeballs out."
"In Davos, David Bowie showed me how he stuns his enemies with the Look of Too Many Eyes."
"So, why should the Defense Department pay a trillion dollars for another Nimitz-class aircraft carrier when the troops can just learn the Bushman's Death Shout or the Bamboo Knotted Man."
This reporter asked, "Ms. Clinton, you are the head of the State Department, but you have no authority over the Defense Department budget, isn't that correct?"
Ms. Clinton stood very slowly, eyes closed, brandishing a chopstick in each fist. "What did you just say to me?!"