Palace Wedding Warning: Beware Ticket Tout

Funny story written by Catherine the Average

Saturday, 20 November 2010

image for Palace Wedding Warning: Beware Ticket Tout
Toe-curling view, honest guv!

Buckingham Palace has taken the pre-emptive step of announcing that under no circumstances will the Duchess of York be in a position to sell, lease, trade, swap, barter, boot sale or otherwise undertake to procure invitations to the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

"As we expected, old habits die hard," leaked Palace spokesperson Hamish Snobworth XI. "We did a test run and sent her a personal invitation to a hen night for the bride-to-be. Within a week two factory workers from Rochester rang the palace invitations office to RSVP, citing the special News of the World Offer. Don't fall for it."

Affectionately known as the Doshless of York following her failed bid not a year ago to sell Prince Andrew into the harem of wealthy Russian sheik, the enterprising loose cannon has sought to rebuild her fortunes.

"She really is determined to stand on her own two feet, pay her own way and live within her means," said a friend who had recently visited the Duchess in her rooms at her ex-husband's home, Royal Lodge, Windsor. "And I believe she will. As soon as she's back from holiday."

Via her official website, Gumtree, the Doshless denied reports she was even thinking of penning a new memoir which was not shopped to publishers under the title Sorry, Her Really, Really Super True Updated Story with Loads of Snaps From Sandringham that are Really Worth Paying Loads For. 

Meantime, rumours persist that the Doshless' daughters have been banned from the Royal Wedding over fears they will demonstrate their usual bad taste in fascinators.

"This event is about the future of the monarchy," Snobworth disclosed off the record. "Not to put too fine a point on it, but the future of the monarchy does not include garish millinery that might understandably be mistaken for abstract art entitled 'Pigeon Meets Windscreen.' We've got the fourth plinth for that."

An unpaid spokesthingy for the House of York spun: "The princesses remain so reasonably confident they will be invited to the wedding that they are searching Primark for appropriate finery as we speak. In the event a wedding invitation is not forthcoming, the princesses are quite happy to spend the day with their mother at her Cornish Pasty wagon on Ludgate Hill."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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