Police request cigarette smoke colour change for wintry conditions

Funny story written by Deafo

Saturday, 20 November 2010

image for Police request cigarette smoke colour change for wintry conditions
Excessive exhaling could be a bigger killer than smoking itself

Smoking Police Officers experiencing breathlessness in wintry conditions through excessive exhaling due to their inability to distinguish between the smoke they are blowing out and natural water vapour created by the cold, have asked for smoke to be made brighter.

The bizarre request comes as an unusually high number of police officers and office staff returning from cigarette breaks report being unable to carry out the most basic of tasks due to a drop in blood pressure.

A police spokesperson said, 'this has become a serious issue for the force. Some of our officers are exhaling themselves to death in the cold simply because they can't determine when there is no more smoke to exhale.'

'We will be engaging with cigarette manufacturers to see what can be done to make smoke more distinguishable.'

Fraud squad officers, the heaviest smoking branch of the police, are under particular scrutiny.

Those officers in possession of lungs with a thickness of less than 5 centimetres are required to report to their superiors office immediately to avoid having their lockers filled with the ashes of a colleagues de-lifed parent.

New recruits are said to murder the mother and father of a colleague to demonstrate the numerical dexterity required to regularly recount the two lump sugar limit of the caffeine addicted Chief Superintendent. The resultant ashes from the state funded cremations are used for rule enforcing pranks.

Fraud squad officer Trevor Bend says too much emphasis is placed on the lump limit.

'I would much prefer this guys father was alive so I could arrest him for obstructing the course of justice. Interfering with a policeman's locker is a line not to be crossed.'

'I've spoken to the bereaved officer in question and he said he'd lost a considerable amount respect for his father as a result.'

After admitting he knew little of what this had to do with excess exhaling in cold conditions he said moves were afoot to address the issue.

'The short term solution is to assign an additional police officer to every smoker to stand directly in front of them when they are blowing out their smoke, and they will alert the officer in question by standing on their toes when the smell of smoke dissipates.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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