R&B Heart-Throb Darvon asked by FDA to Stop Performing

Funny story written by Q. William Bacon

Saturday, 20 November 2010

image for R&B Heart-Throb Darvon asked by FDA to Stop Performing
Excess Romance May Lead to Heart Trouble

LAS VEGAS - Romantic soul singer Darvon has announced he will voluntarily comply with an FDA request to stop performing due to serious and sometimes fatal heart rhythm abnormalities in older female members of his audiences.

Darvon and the Darvocettes had been playing to sold out all-female concerts at Caesar's Palace. Often likened to boudoir crooners Luther Vandross and Teddy Pendergrass, Darvon's intimate, whispered lyrics and overtly sexual gyrations routinely cause women to scream, swoon, throw their lingerie and hotel keys up on stage, and suffer acute fibrillation and arrythmia.

Darvon explained in a smooth baritone voice, "Darvon is all about easing the pain. Lean on me, girl, I can take the pain away.

"Tens of thousands of ladies have attended my live performances. But you got to have rhythm. Without proper rhythm, all you got left is the blues. If the hearts of some of my ladies can't keep the right rhythm then, though it hurts me to say it, I shall not perform.

"I ask that you consult with your doctor. Perhaps you can listen to my albums in the calmess of your bedroom, where you can more safely welcome my music into your ears."

Darvon has had many songs on the Rhythm & Blues Top 40 charts, including "I Get Inside Your Head", "Squeeze You 'til the Juice Runs Out", "Love Dentist", "If You Heart is Broke, I'm Your Federal Bailout", "Sexoscopy", "Luv Ya 'til You Reptilian Brain Is Sore", "Low-Hanging Fruit", "I'm Your Beta-adrenergic Agonist", "Silkworm Missile", "Be My Backhoe, I'll Make The Earth Move", "Downward Dog", "I'll Love Ya Every 4 to 6 Hours, But Not More Than 5 Times in a 24-Hour Period", and (with Jerry Lewis) "Abu Dhabi Doo Means Yabba Dabba Dubai".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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