Badgers to be encouraged to hold Tupperware parties
The Treasury has announced plans to recruit countryside animals in a bid to reduce the record UK deficit. Badgers will be encouraged to host Tupperware parties by inviting moles, shrews, weasels and other woodland creatures to their setts for even...
Read full storyJersey Shore's Snooki Arrested for 'Beer-Bonging' Pancake Syrup on Beach
The day after MTV's premiere of Italian-American smear-fest "Jersey Shore Season 2: Son of Jersey Shore," tangerine-colored porker Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi was arrested in Seaside Heights, NJ, where the show is currently filming. Police officials c...
Read full storyThe Jersey Shore's Snooki is Demanding That President Obama Do Away With The 10% Tanning Tax
QUEENS, New York - One of the stars of The Jersey Shore, Snooki was in town with her second cousin Elvira Pennafelli, who had an appointment with her probation officer. The Snook, as her Aunt Chentina calls her, was asked why she was looking so pa...
Read full storyJohn Stape DID Kill Colin Fishwick - World Exclusive
At first glance, Colin Fishwick appeared to have simply collapsed as a result of delayed reaction following a beating he received at the hands of the bloke whose Missus he had been tonking. Video evidence clearly shows that Stape was not within to...
Read full storyNew boy band The Wanted are wanted for crimes against music
Police have launched a nationwide manhunt today for five men who have committed a crime that involves the vicious rape and assault of music. The five crap-haired, personality free individuals were last seen in a shopping centre in West London brut...
Read full storyEarwax-munching Former Oz PM Kevin Rudd now needs stomach surgery
SYDNEY: Strange things happen Down Under. Take, for example the quirky culinary/personal grooming habits of former Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd who has the unusual distinction of being captured via world-wide video prodding out gobs of crus...
Read full storyCharles Barkley Says That He'll Be Repaying The $3 Million He Borrowed From Sal "The Pizza Man" Goombalini Real Soon
BROOKLYN - A man identified as Lazlo "Da Pow-Pow" Drackafini, told Charles Barkley that he seriously needs to start thinking about repaying the $3 million he borrowed from 'businessman' Salvatore "The Pizza Man" Goombalini, patriarch of the notorious...
Read full storyIts good to laugh
'If you smile the whole world smiles with you!' chimed Penny. 'That's good. Laughter does you good.' 'Well maybe not the whole world but a few. Terry anyway. I know Grandma could do with some cheering up. Shall we go and see her in Hospital?' 'Poor Barbara. She's had a slight stroke. We ought to visit her but Rupert's got the car so we'll have go by bus.' 'Ok. Where's Dad gone?' 'So...
Read full storyDowny fabric softener changes name due to association with Downs Syndrome
Downy fabric softener has recently gone through an image change, a scent change, and now an added name change. The long standing household brand will be re-marketed onto the shelves of supermarkets with the name 'Softie' as early as August, 2010.
Read full storyPaula Abdul Calls Up The American Idol Producers And Begs Them To Let Her Replace Ellen DeGeneres
BEVERLY HILLS - Paula Abdul had just returned from shopping on Rodeo Drive when she stopped to talk to her long time landscaper Vicente Relampago, Jr. Vicente asked her if now that Ellen DeGeneres had been fired if she would be getting her old job...
Read full storySusan Boyle Will Do Two Songs In Transformers 3
The latest news from this much anticipated movie has it that Susan Boyle will be doing two songs in the action-packed drama. With plenty of skimpy costumes along with the action, what else does the movie need but some great songs and/or music?...
Read full storyTiger Woods Seen Stalking Heather Mills
Maria Perez, the new Ms. Whoopee of the World, is supposed to be making a good will tour of the United States before going overseas to see other countries and promote sex as a happy way of life and a variety of sex to help keep marriages from falling...
Read full storyEllen DeGeneres Quits Idol, Says Not a Big Enough Audience
Ellen DeGeneres has just announced she does not want to appear as a judge on American Idol next season because the audience is just not large enough to keep her at the top of her game. While she appreciates that in years past, American Idol was one o...
Read full storyNATO troops surround Taleban sheltering in Conservative Party Central Orifice
London - (Tory Bora Mess): The renegades were reported tonight as completely surrounded by an elite NATO crack team whose orders are to squeeze them out of the pockets of the Russian mafia. Operation Tory She's Adder-Few sees troops from the Ulti...
Read full story"Dodgy" Prescott admits decision to invade Iraq was very "Dodgy"!
At last "Dodgy" John Prescott has admitted taking the Uk into war with Iraq was an utmost "dodgy" decision, a fact that the whole of the UK knew at the time, but was completely ignored. The hype and bullshit created by Blair, Bush and the rest of...
Read full storyLady Gaga's gruelling workout in Canada
TORONTO: Move over Victoria Beckham (aka 'Bunion'). When it comes to high heels the quirky Lady Gaga stands head and shoulders over Ms. Posh. Lady Gaga's latest grueling workout in 12-inch high-heeled boots puts 'Bunion' Beckham's walking-through-...
Read full storyMel Gibson Exorcism Planned for Saturday, Tickets Sold Out
In the first-ever public display of an exorcism, priests from Mel Gibson's own Church of the Holy Family will be exorcising Mel Gibson's demons in front of thousands of fans who paid the $57.85 ticket price to see it. The event, just announced this p...
Read full storyH&R Block: Cardboard? No. Delicious? Yes!! -- HRB's Rejected Ad Slogans.
The Fallon Advertising Agency has announced that it will be paid $155 million to change the country's opinion of H&R Block (HRB 0.52, -13.07, -94.45%), long regarded as the greenish-brown sh-tstain in the underpants of retail tax preparation. Today, Fallon released a list of ad slogans suggested by H&R Block, in an effort to gauge consumers' opinion of the Tower Records of taxes.
Read full storyOksana Grigorieva Reveals A Dark Hidden Secret
LA BREA, California - Oksana Grigorieva, the ex-future wife of Mel "The Screamin' Aussie" Gibson told Barbara Walters that she has a dark hidden secret. Walters, sat in in Oksana's little, two-bedroom house trailer in La Brea's The Left Coast Suns...
Read full storyLady Gaga Getting Weirder, Releases New Cover of "Muskrat Love"
Lady Gaga, apparently tired of having her original songs panned as being Madonna sound-alikes, has decided to openly copy some of her favorite songs. Doing a cover of a cover, Lady Gaga has just released her exact copy of Captain and Tennille's co...
Read full storyWriter of Spoof Stories Changes Mind - Now Gives a Fuck
This spoof writer has recanted her previous statement about not giving a fuck. She now admits she was wrong and that she does in fact give a fuck. "I was too rash", she said, "maybe it was because I had a rash. On my bum. That sort of thing can...
Read full storyFired American Idol Judge Ellen DeGeneres: If Money Gets Tight, I Can Always Sell My Portia
American Idol has shed another person from its dwindling list of male judges: Ellen Degeneres has been fired. Or, she resigned, if you are to believe her. "This didn't feel like the right fit for me," DeGeneres scrawled on an Idol bathroom wall in...
Read full storyIsle of Man Denies Nazi Connection
The Isle of Man - that once popular sea-side holiday destination for Liverpudlian alcoholics - has refuted claims about it's sordid Fascist past. The local inhabitants pride themselves on their tail-less cats, love of corporal punishment and badly...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan on the Run
Los Angeles County Sheriff officials were stunned today when they discovered that the prisoner they believed to be actress Lindsay Lohan, was in fact her twin sister from Disney's "The Parent Trap." The actresses, who have not seen each other since...
Read full storyI Love you, Mammy
I love you, mammy, sweet and true, When I wet my shorts you clean my poo. So I sing this little happy song My Mammy and me we just clap along. I love you, mammy, so very much, For you kiss my forehead with a piggy's touch. When I go to school you make sandwiches, And sew my torn trousers with fine stitches.. I love you, mammy, short and sweet, You tuck me in at night and rub my...
Read full storyGlenn Beck University Institutes Dress Code
Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University. Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American Histor...
Read full storyNo Shit Sherlock - More Episodes On The Way
Deep joy among Sherlock afficionadoes this week as it was announced that in addition to the existing BBC trilogy of updated Holmes films, there are plans to make more instalments, although it's unlikely that they'll be seen for a year or more. Aft...
Read full storyH&R Block To Spend $155 Million on Polishing The Turd
The Minneapolis ad agency Fallon Desword announced Wednesday that it has been selected agency of record by S.S. Tax-Titanic H&R Block. H&R Block, whose stock sells for a Venti and two scones, has tried a number of different strategies to...
Read full storyThe Dog That Talked
The Dog That Talked It really was a miracle I just stood and gawped Left paralysed and speechless When I met the dog that talked He asked me many questions For hours we just walked A scholar, statesman, acrobat He was the dog that talked Times were hard, I saw my chance, This novelty I hawked, Customers would queue for miles, To pat the dog that talked! After we were married,...
Read full storyCategory 4 tornado heads for Rhinebeck
New York - (Prenup News): The super twister is making a beeline for Astor Courts, Rhinebeck this weekend, weathermen have warned. It's projected path lies slap bang in the middle of one of the Clintons' greatest ever deception accomplishments - a.
Read full storyCheryl Cole Edible? - Is Katy Perry A Cannibal?
It seems that these days, Katy Perry, fiancee of Russell Brand, just doesn't want to talk about herself any more, as she'd much rather discuss her lesbianese crush on Cheryl Cole, or Cheryl Tweedy as she prefers to be known these days. Perry's gus...
Read full storyLin Ping (Linping?) The Thai Panda Picks Nose And Eats It
Lin Ping, the baby panda cub born and housed in Chiang Mai Zoo, Thailand in May 2009, has stunned audiences here with her most daring escapade yet - she picked her nose, and ate it! Ping, 1, performed the cavalier act whilst being filmed for her o...
Read full storyConfessional Swamped with Repentant LibDem Voters
'You weren't to know' are the soothing words Father Francis O'Donnell finds himself uttering twenty times a day to guilt-ridden parishioners confessing to having helped to put Nick Clegg into office. Despite this reassurance, 'They blame themselves so much,' he tells me. 'These are fundamentally decent people who have just made a grievous mistake through no fault of their own. But they ask them...
Read full storyKevin Rudd hospitalised; personality deformity
Former Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, has been hospitalised today, suffering from what pundits are describing as acute self delusion. Mr Rudd was witnessed by a number of people declaring to anybody who cared to listen that he was the "Messia...
Read full story'I am not Gay' announces Gok Wan
Camp presenter of Channel 4 programmes, 'How to Look Good Naked' and 'Gok's Fashion Fix', has confessed today that he is not, and has never been, 'Gay'. 'It was all an act', he admitted in an interview on GMTV this morning, with fellow 'non-gay' B...
Read full storyAmerican Idol - Now Kara DioGuardi Gets The Chop - Cheryl Cole To Step Up?
Hollywood - Huge shake up over at American Idol as it was announced that judge, Kara DioGuardi has been axed - this coming right on the back of the earlier announcement that Ellen DeGeneres was terminated also. Industry insiders are saying that th...
Read full storyThe Evolution of Darwin's Beard
The controversy created by Charles Darwin regarding evolution and creationism over one hundred years ago has taken on a new twist centering on the famously extravagant beard of the father of evolution. Nearly as famous as the man itself, Darwin's...
Read full storyNottingham job centre - New Rules
Reporter Inchcock Chambers has completed his investigation into the new proposed rules to be brought in by the Con/Dem Government, covering the requirements of Unemployed Benefit Seekers applying to the job centre. These details were as copied from an original hand written minutes book of the Benefits Agency Managers, taken at the Nags Head, and left behind at closing time. Rule 203847/a: "...
Read full storyParents outraged at school trips to 'Live Sex-Show.'
Parents of children attending Charing Cross Comprehensive, expressed their outrage this morning upon learning that sex-education classes are to incorporate a trip to a live-sex show. It transpires that children as young as 11, have already been at...
Read full storyViolence As Wrong R.S.P.B Attend Village Meeting
There was uproar last night in Fickleworth, as angry villager's swamped a local town meeting. Geoff Atterton, local bird fancier and ornitholigist, had organised a talk for his monthly group, the Fickleworth Bird Lovers Society, by the Royal Socie...
Read full storyDerek Acorah sets up a coffin making business
The amazingly philanthropic psychic medium, Derek Acorah, has moved into retail with a bespoke coffin making business in the Wirral. A close friend of Acorah's, Cathy Passivic, has said it is something that he has been meaning to do for a few year...
Read full storySparky Plots Raid On Man City Squad
New Fulham boss, Mark Hughes, is reported this morning to be on a revenge mission to plunder the entire Manchester City squad. The Welsh bitter Welshman, from Wales, is said to be still smarting from his shock sacking to make way for Italian smoot...
Read full storySol Campbell To Be Given 'Special Protection' At Newcastle
Sol Campbell, the footballing journeyman signed this week by Premier League newboys Newcastle United, is to be afforded what has been called 'special protection' when he ventures out on Tyneside in an evening, due to the historically-harsh Geordie se...
Read full storyMan Wakes Sleeping Nursery Children In School Mayhem
An English teacher has been severely criticised by staff for what they say was an "unprovoked and unnecessary" attack when he needlessly awoke sleeping nursery children at a school in Bangkok today. The teacher roused the dozing tots at around 11.
Read full storyPlastic Bertrand Denies Singing On 'Ca Plane Pour Moi'
Belgian musician Plastic Bertrand has strenuously denied singing on the 1977 hit single Ca Plane Pour Moi - which is the subject of a court case in the dismal Flemish country. The star was quoted in Belgian newspaper Le Soir as saying producer Lou...
Read full storyDrash!
When on August 31, 2005 about 1 million Iraqis crossed Al-Aaimmah Bridge, to reach a 1400-year-old tomb to beseech terrestrial prosperity and a good abode in next life with pretty women, roughly 1000 of them lost their lives in an stampede. Naturally, there was a mixed feeling: sympathy and jealousy on the part of coreligionists who envied the martyrs that had so sure footedly reached para...
Read full storyEllen DeGeneres Has Been Fired As American Idol Judge
HOLLYWOOD - Well the American Idol - Ellen DeGeneres 'honeymoon' did not last long. AI producers Simon Shindlebocker and Simon Witleywine have said that they have fired judge Ellen DeGeneres. Shindlebocker said that sad to say the fit was not a pe...
Read full storyHaynesworth: "I'm out of shape to protest Arizona law"
LANDOVER, MA - Redskins defensive end Albert Haynesworth reported to training camp out of shape on Thursday, in protest of what he calls Arizona's "really racist law thingy". Haynesworth, who was unable to complete a series of shuttle runs, has taken...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent: The Denver Belly Dancers, Kaya and Sadie Told To Pack Their Bags...Ahh Suitcases And Go On Back Home
HOLLYWOOD - In what Nick "The Stick" Cannon called one of the biggest surprises in the two years that he has been hosting America's Got Talent, the Denver belly dancing duo of Kaya and Sadie were sent home by the judges. Piers Morgan said that alt...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent: Piers Morgan Explains Why The Little 11-Year-Old White Rapper From Dallas Got Sent Back Home
HOLLYWOOD - Two thirds of the America's Got Talent Judges were born in England. Sharon Osbourne, 52, was born in Brixton, London and Piers Morgan, 48, was born in Guildford Surrey. The dapper Piers Morgan, who many say has been picked to replace t...
Read full storyLady Gaga Sues Madonna, Ace of Base for Plagiarism. " 'La Isla Bonita and 'Don't Turn Around' Sound Exactly Like Alejandro!'
Popular recording artist Lady Gaga, voted 'Most Respected Artist of The Decade' by AutoTune Afficionado magazine, is suing some of the biggest names in music, but for good reason. They are stealing Gaga's records. The suit filed in Federal Cour...
Read full story'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' Actor Dies
In a shock announcement from Tinseltown agent Bobby Golightly, the prominent 80's actor Zac Rabbit has died of myxomatosis. Rabbit found fame as Roger, starring alongside Bob Hoskins, in the lead to the 1988 classic 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit', a bi...
Read full storyBear attacks prove to be wild poodles
Montana wild life officials now claim that the animal attacks once thought to be bear attacks were really wild poodles. These attacks that killed one and injured two were first reported as being grizzly bears. One of the park rangers, an avid p...
Read full storyPart #4: Factual Facts To Impress Your Date:
#10. In certain villages in remote areas of Peru, any woman who uses a man as her bed covering during the night is considered to be married. #9. The Number one nickname among the North's Eskimo people is "Mo". #8 The average male will have gravity cause his balls to drop a full six inches between the age of 40 and the age of 70. Yet, THERE ARE NO COSMETIC BALL SURGEONS ANYWHERE IN THE US OR...
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