Haynesworth: "I'm out of shape to protest Arizona law"

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Friday, 30 July 2010


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LANDOVER, MA - Redskins defensive end Albert Haynesworth reported to training camp out of shape on Thursday, in protest of what he calls Arizona's "really racist law thingy". Haynesworth, who was unable to complete a series of shuttle runs, has taken up the cause of the pro-immigration lobby.

"The state of Arizona is like a bunch of Nazis and whatever," opined Haynesworth to reporters outside Redskins facilities. "They, uh, hate Mexicans and Asians too, probably. So, because I am opposed to…that stuff, I thought I would take a stand and show the world that Albert Haynesworth will take a stand against injustice and immigration…ingy."

Haynesworth, who claims to have "lots" of Hispanic friends, could be in danger of losing his $21 million signing bonus as punishment for failing to stay healthy in the off-season.

"Oh shit, yeah, I know," admitted the UT alum. "But, you know, what is money to me, when so many people are being prostituted [sic] for the color of their skin…money can't buy me love…no, wait, it's give peace a chance."

The 29-year-old All Pro claimed to be inspired to protest the law after learning about its existence from "the news" during his extended contract dispute with the team. The highest-paid defensive player further felt by injecting himself into it via showing up unprepared and unhealthy for training camp, he could better advance the cause of the estimated 500,000 illegal immigrants in Arizona.

"It is a racist, and uh, un-American…thing," said Haynesworth. "And so I went on a hunger strike in protest. I mean it was the opposite of a hunger strike. I ate a lot. A lot of Mexican food, too, you know. And I made sure not to burn it off, either. Because, uh, Arizona is racist."

"I hope we don't play the Cardinals this year," added the holdout. "They probably hate Mexicans too."

The controversial law, which makes it a misdemeanor for an alien to be in Arizona without proper identification, and allows police to question the immigration status of anyone suspected of a crime, was partially prevented from going into effect by U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton, a development former Titan Haynesworth was apparently not aware of.

"They did what now? Oh. That's good. But, um, since racism is still such a problem, I will continue with my protest and will remain out of shape for the duration of camp as well as the entire NFL season," Haynesworth concluded.

"I know that in the, uh, wherever Arizona is, there is a large amount of Hispanic people who don't like to be protested against," said an uncomfortable-looking Haynesworth. "So, you know, that shouldn't happen. Get the troops out too…of there."

When asked to elaborate on what part of the law he objected to, Haynesworth could only answer, "The racist part."

While Redskins coach Mike Shanahan could not be reached for comment, linebacker Lorenzo Alexander remarked, "Well, at least he's come up with a real excuse this time. Last year it was just 'Because I'm Albert Haynesworth, bitch.'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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