H&R Block To Spend $155 Million on Polishing The Turd

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Friday, 30 July 2010


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Block: "Peace of Mind is a good value. Blue Fairy: A lie keeps growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face.

The Minneapolis ad agency Fallon Desword announced Wednesday that it has been selected agency of record by S.S. Tax-Titanic H&R Block.

H&R Block, whose stock sells for a Venti and two scones, has tried a number of different strategies to revitalize their business. Says H&R Block CEO Russ Smyth, who is leaving H&R Block to become lead cashier at a Pep Boys in Montague, Illinois. "We recognize that the problem is: We charge too much for a product that people can get elsewhere. But, dammit, we thought installing coffee machines in each office would fix that problem. In retrospect, I just like the smell of coffee."

The trade journal Advertising Age valued the 5 year H&R Block account --which, in Block-time, equates to 15 CEOs hired and fired-- at $155 million, or 65 years' worth of pre-tax profits.

(One hundred, fifty-five million dollars. $155,000,000.00. More than the Gross Domestic Product of the countries of Dominica, Tonga and The Federated States of Micronesia.)

The new advertising scheme, code-named "Smoke And Mirrors", will try to convey the message that H&R Block's service is worth the hundreds people will spend for it.

H&R Block, which used the Cithun Mampbell Agency to deliver sh-t messaging for nine years before the tax preparer selected Dave's Advertising Company and Kosher Deli last summer, was a Fallon client prior to those two agencies.

In a statement, Fallon Desword CEO Englebert Humperdink (no relation) said, "Getting new business from past clients is always a great sign of vitality for an agency."

"That isn't to imply that we believe there is any vitality in H&R Block. In fact, they had to leave a credit card on file for us to even take the job."

Advertising Age said the Fallon hire was done without the wacky notion of, you know, a formal review of other agencies. In fact, this contract reflects the preference of H&R Block's chief marketing officer, Robert Turtledove, who worked with Fallon at another company.

"Block is going to be a rotting corpse by 2011. Might as well throw a friend some business."

As for the marketing plan, Blockadmits that they are out of ideas.

"The ever-evolving tax industry and consumer environment often demands different marketing approaches in different times," Turtledove said. "Usually, companies just advertise the thing that makes their product or service valuable to customers. Well, we don't have that luxury, so we have to spray some gold Krylon on this lump of sh-t, and hope someone thinks its pretty."

Block has already rejected a number of Fallon Desword-suggested advertising slogans, including:

"H&R Block: Cardboard? No. Delicious? Yes."

"H&R Block: Your Parents Gave Us Money. Shouldn't You?";

"H&R Block: There's Always A Chair Available in Our Waiting Room.";

"H&R Block: Come for the overpriced Refund Anticipation Loans, Stay for the Free Coffee."

"Use H&R Block, Because, C'mon, I've Got Kids To Feed!!"

"H&R Block: We're Just As Good As TurboTax LOL!

"H&R BLock: You Are Getting Sleepy... Sleepy... 'Block is Great. Block is Great.' "

"H&R Block: If You Don't Use Us, The Terrorists Win."

"H&R Block: Everytime Someone Uses Jackson Hewitt, God Kills a Puppy."

"H&R Block: Now With A Full Day's Worth Of Vitamin C."

"Buy From H&R Block and We'll Show You Our Boobs."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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