Russell Brand Wants To Eat His Own Ejaculate
Prancing, mincing, flouncing, waspish wag Russell Brand is desperate to eat his own sperm, writes Dick Fidler, Prattling Egomania Correspondent. In last night's show at the West End Mockney Vampyre Theatre, Brand - who, as well as being a parasiti...
Read full storyMan on the Street: England Loses 2018 World Cup Bid to Russia
FIFA executives have announced that Russia will host the FIFA World Cup in 2018, beating favourites, England, the home of the game. What do you think? Peter Mattes, New York (Rubber-On-Pencil Pusher) - The football world cup? I never knew there was a football world cup! I didn't even know other countries played... oh. The fake football. The communist one. Oh. Screw you. Leonard Scott, Gla...
Read full storyList of 2011 United States National Dangers Released
NEW YORK - The Shuttleworth Institute of Research have compiled data about the top 200 (of 200 million) dangers to national security. Several dangers from last year have reappeared, such as The Tea Party, Stubborness and many others. Here are s...
Read full storyMick Hucknall: "My Mother Was A Ginger-Tentacled Gorgon Who Drove Me To Sleep With 3000 Women."
Simply Red crooner Mick Hucknall has spurted out a pubic, sorry, public apology to the 3000 women he slept with between 1985 and 1988, writes Lena Bacon, Raddled Lothario Confessionals Correspondent. The ginger-syruped bag of spanners-a-like whose...
Read full storySuperheroes Call General Strike
NEW YORK - Superhuman vigilantes, commonly known as superheroes, have called a general strike over their work. The first ever supoerhuman who used his powers for good was George Washington, having the ability to run nations. Superheroes and their...
Read full storySepp Blatter Revealed To Be High Class Hooker
FIFA has been sent into meltdown tonight as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter, is in fact a high class female prostitute. The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement i...
Read full storyOprah To Follow Martha Stewart To Prison?
It's hard to believe that someone like Oprah Winfrey could spend any time in prison but the same was true for Martha Stewart and for the same crime. Federal authorities are examining whether multiple insider-trading episodes on Wall Street have be...
Read full storyRepublican House Ask Pelosi To Be Majority Leader
Before daylight, a small group from the Republican House caucus gingerly approached the doorstep of present Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as she reached for the morning paper. They inquired whether she would consider becoming their elected majori...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's Mother: Justin May Belong To Billy Ray Cyrus
Pattie Mallette, the single mother of Justin Bieber, admits that her son, who was born in Stratford, Ontario on March 1, 1994 could be the son of singer/actor Billy Ray Cyrus. Of course, Billy Ray Cyrus denied the whole thing until a sperm bank in...
Read full storyTiger Woods Seen At Party With Kate Gosselin!
Tiger Woods was his old self on the golf course yesterday and maybe it's because he is once more anchored, really anchored to reality. What happened? Several people have reported that Tiger is being seen around Florida lately with actress Kate...
Read full storyUK window cleaner is fined for wearing Bin Laden mask whilst cleaning windows?
A cheeky London window cleaner who loves wearing his Bin Laden mask whilst on the job has been cautioned and fined by the police after several of his customers thought he actually was Bin! Stephen Taylor loves a prank or two, but this one certainl...
Read full storyNo Committee, Commission, Review For Obama's Basketball Game
While President Barack Obama appears to rely on appointed committees, commissions and reviews to decide how to move forward making decisions on START, DADT, Bush tax cuts, the deficit, you name it, he fails to require a consensus when deciding to pla...
Read full storyBalotelli in Tupac tribute
Italian wildchild and wantaway Man Cty ace Mario Balotelli, has controversial plans to wear a tribute to late rapper Tupac Shakur on his Manchester City kits. Balotelli is understood to be a massive of the ganagster scene and it is well known that...
Read full story'Freezing' Terry Waite pleads to be reunited with radiator
Terry Waite has made a dramatic plea to be reunited with the Islamic radiator that was central to his captivity at the hands of Jihadists in 1987, saying he was seeking sanctuary from the inclement weather conditions. The plea comes as temperature...
Read full storyMike Shanahan: McNabb Cost Me My Record Of 26 Seasons Without a Black Quarterback.
Mike Shanahan is not angry at Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb because he is a big fat oaf, or is a terrible leader, or because he can't throw two accurate passes in a row. Instead, his frustration comes from McNabb breaking his NFL-record 26 cons...
Read full storyMonsignor Francois DuBois Placed Under House Arrest Again
Huntington, West 'By God!' Virginia Sheriff's Department today confirmed that hell raising former Jesuit priest Monsignor Francois DuBois has been placed under house arrest again. Mainly for being 'meddlesome' and 'causing trouble.' This isn't...
Read full storyPutin Put-in Economy Following Big Freeze
English fans eat your heart out. A slice of justice today as the Russian Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin, was served a slice of revenge as he left Moscow to Zurich to celebrate the country's victory. The irony? He had to fly Easyjet. Due t...
Read full storyDonovan McFlabb Upset Over Questions Regarding His Body Mass Index.
Donovan McFlabb's life since joining the hapless Redskins has been a blur of criticism, condemnation and fatty foods. And, judging from McNabb's furious lashing out during his weekly after-loss press conference, it seems to be getting to him. Here we...
Read full storyRussians air video of drunken, hallucinating squirrel, celebrating Russia's winning bid to host 2018 World Cup
The Russians are airing a recent video of a drunken, hallucinating squirrel, apparently celebrating Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. The squirrel has bulging eyes and is staggering about mumbling incoherently in Russian. It cannot be conf...
Read full storyEngland 2018 failed World Cup bid - the truth.
Well, according to the local newspapers, the England bid was stitched up from the start by the Russian mafia that according to Wikileaks run the place. Good for them I say. Compared to the UK, they know how to run a country. No one moans over there a...
Read full storyThieves steal snowman in the UK and the police set up road blocks!
Nasty thieves in Kent, UK, have stolen a snowman from under the nose of it's owner as she was sweeping the snow in her front garden the thieves jumped over the garden fence and whipped the snowman, with a carrot as his nose, away. The irate woman...
Read full storyWorld War Three Starts Over FIFA 2018 World Cup
LONDON & MOSCOW - After revelations that Russia is hosting the 2018 World Cup, Britain have started WW3 with Russia. David Cameron, coming to Cabinet in a drunken stupor, mostly to drown his sorrows of the lost investment, ordered his Cabinet...
Read full storySingle mother evicted as snowman deemed as additional occupant
Borough of Ealing council has caused outrage following claims they evicted a single mother with two young children because a snowman they built was deemed to be an additional tenant. The council acted on a tip off from a bitter neighbour who had p...
Read full storyGay Teenager Feels He May Be Turning Right-Wing
BIRMINGHAM - Robert Hedley, 15, is just like any other gay teen his age. However, lately, he feels different. "Oh..." he said. "It was horrible. I wanted to do things to other people. I felt wierd inside... I wanted to rip out my soul." Hedley,...
Read full storyDavid Beckham Says His Wife Victoria's 'Drawers' Are Always Open
PARIS - David and Victoria Beckham were in Paris where they had gone to buy some plaster of Paris for a home project they are working on. David was asked if it was true that he is an obsessive compulsive who has tremendously strong disorder tenden...
Read full storyWikileaks Documents Verify That Ron Jeremy Has The Biggest Penis In The USA
CHICAGO - A spokesperson for Wikileaks has informed the main stream media, the Left Coast paparazzi, the Right Coast news hounds, Clay Aiken, Adam Lambert, and Richard Simmons that porn star Ron Jeremy has the largest taco tickler in the entire count...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson, Zac Efron, Johnny Depp, and Paris Hilton To Star In The Lesbian Vampire Movie, "Don't Ask - Don't Tell Bitch!"
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Zac Efron has informed his grandmother, Brunicia Flossie Efron, 87, that he will soon star in a movie with Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp, and Paris Hilton. Efron told his grandma that he will be portraying Chauncey Pepperbiffle, a...
Read full storyUK to Pull out of FIFA over World Cup Fiasco: "Reds, Frogs, Quatar and Somali Pirates Can Go Play with Themselves" says Wills!
Shortly after it was announced that the next two World Cup sites had been awarded to Russia and Quatar (wtf), as an Act of God, a spokesman for The Disappointed Three Lions Negotiating Committee, said "quits" to the corrupt Federation International...
Read full story106 year old Quits Smoking
German actor Johannes Heesters, who is 106 years old, has quitted smoking. He says he has done it for love as his 62 year old wife Simone Rethel, who has been living with the actor since 1992, wants him to. She has taken her time persuading Johann...
Read full storyNASA Claims Leftovers in Back of Fridge Source of Alien Life
Americans were on pins and needles Thursday afternoon awaiting the much anticipated announcement by NASA regarding new sources of astrobiological life here on Earth. Many scientists believed that NASA would more than likely discuss the findings of a...
Read full storyThe Real and Silly As Hell Reason Why Christina Aguilera Filed For Divorce
BAD AXE, Michigan - Christina Aguilera was visiting a friend in Michigan when she was asked about her divorce. At first Lady Ah Ah did not want to talk about it since she said that it brings up sad memories that make her cry and cause her eye make...
Read full storyDon't blame Putin corruption for England 2018 crap bid
London - (Balls-up Mess): Bollox PR of three shameless self-publicists is what did it. A cyber postmortem says today the footie world just can't get it up for the Tosspot Trio. Wannabe legends Cameron, Beckham and Wee Willy Windsor barely rais...
Read full storySign of NEW life form discovered on earth-could it be Spoof Writers?
I was sitting 'catching up' on The Spoof this morning, the t.v. Canada Morning news magazine was on and out of the corner of my ear I heard the newscaster speaking to a female scientist on the discovery of a new life form. The woman being intervie...
Read full storyKerry Katona - Prostate Relapse
Kerry Katona has suffered a setback on her self-titled 'Road to recovery'. According to sources close to the former celebrity, Katona is said to have hit the cocaine 'like a city banker on pay day', after learning she didn't have a prostate. On...
Read full storySpoof Announces Drive for Gender Equality After Lib Dem Calls Site 'Sexist!"
The bicycle riding, toasted cheese sandwich, pickle egg sucking editor of the Spoof.Com today, said he was giving in to new government demands to include more women and the 'less articulate' in addition to other 'minorities' in a drive to provide 'a...
Read full storyFind a date today
The Christmas period is upon us, and it's a time for much happiness and joy to spread across Earth. Ironically, it's also a time of much misery and sadness, especially for those people who are alone at Christmastime. However, a new initiative star...
Read full storyStacey Solomon Offered Lead In Remake Of Stephen King's 'The Shining'
The latest rumour sweeping London town is that I'm a Celeb and X-Factor starlet, Stacey Solomon, is to be offered the lead role in a reworking of Stephen King's magnum opus (apart from The Stand) The Shining. Stacey has apparently been pencilled i...
Read full storySuBo fanatics sue common cold virus!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today announced that they are suing the common cold virus. The suit, filed with the Loonyville Supreme Court, accuses the virus of causing "deliberate embarrassment to 'Lady' Susan by invading h...
Read full storySnowbound Man Waits For Train
A remarkable tale of survival against all the odds has emerged, amidst the absolute chaos that the UK's transport network has descended into. A local man, Arthur Crapper, has been found sitting in the waiting room of the snowbound railway station,...
Read full storyHoward Stern Rumors Heat Up as His Old Contract Cools Down
How do you create a ground swell with nary a sound? If you're Howard Stern and Crew you play it decidedly confused and tight lipped. Stern claims to have no clue as to what the next move is for him and his rather large staff, assuming there is an...
Read full storyCall Turkey on your Mobile only 1p per Minute!
The latest mobile deal is upon us, ready for the Christmas season. Crazy low rates are being offered by one mobile operator which is offering unlimited Turkey calls for just 1p per minute. The seasonal offer from Turkey-Mobile is hoped to raise ov...
Read full storyWikileaks bombshell: Osama doesn't exist! Biggest hoax created by GOP Admin to justify invading Iraq-Afghanistan!
Just when you thought you had read everything there was to know about how the US has destroyed world peace with its duplicity; sleeping with the enemy; funding terrorists; outright lies and generally offensive machinations, here comes the biggest bombshell! That elusive scoundrel "Osama" simply does not exist! Not because he's dead - but because he has never existed! Previous such allegations...
Read full storyWikileaks reveals who voted for English World Cup bid
According to Wikileaks, England could have had three votes in the World Cup selection, however, Wikileaks reveals that there was only two bids, with England's bid going to Spain and Portugal instead of England. "We're lucky we got one," said David...
Read full storyBlooming Time
In the garden of Eden, Lord God was holding the stem of a four-o'clock flower to examine its petals. Every now and then, he glanced at Man' children on planet earth. He could see the Adam's children were wearily walking towards the deep valley of total destruction. He heard them saying in unison 'LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground. Then at Adam's request, Lord made him a mate by ta...
Read full storyWikileaks Reveal That England World Cup Bid Failed Because Wayne Rooney Is A Bad Example To Young Players
As the terrible news that England's 2018 World Cup bid had failed started to sink in this morning, the Wikileaks website announced that the reason behind the snub was that FIFA officials believe that Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney...
Read full storyOffice Of Fair Trading Warns On Misleading Offers
The OFT has warned that it plans to take severe action against high street stores and online retailers who break the law by not making price offers clear. One common practice the OFT is particularly worried about is "drip" pricing, where compulsor...
Read full storyWorld Cup Vote Sex Allegations Reaction
Britain's "red-top" papers have reacted to the FIFA vote to give the 2018 World Cup to Russia in a satisfyingly predictable way. One banner headline reads: "Russkies Take Blatter Up The Arse In Vote Fixing Scandal!" Another blames CONCACAF pow...
Read full storySpider-Man Is in a Web of Trouble
He's stepped in it now, for sure. And all the webs in the world may not be able to get him out of it. Fans are disgusted that Spider-Man seems to be having so many problems with his new Broadway show. The first preview performance didn't go...
Read full storyDeath Toll Mounts as Fr Francois DuBois Tests His New Power Scooter
The City of Huntington, West Virginia Police Department has issued an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for a Jesuit Priest who has not yet gotten the hang of his brand new mobility power scooter. So far, the scooter-happy priest has mown thro...
Read full storyPluto Held In Connection With Celebration Florida Murder
Investigators in Florida are trying to determine why beloved celebrity doggie Pluto committed the first reported murder in Celebration, Florida; a distinctly creepy, Stepford-Wives-type knit town that was conceived and built by the Walt Disney Co.
Read full storyPalin Presidency Assured in 2012
Political analysts said today a new poll of American politicians indicates Sarah Palin will be the next President of the U.S., due solely to the fact no one will run for the job. The poll found any American with brains would be leaving the countr...
Read full storyAdam Lambert Sends Taylor Lautner Copy Of His Scanner Photo!
The latest in the Adam Lambert/Taylor Lautner story is that Adam has recently sent a copy of his scanner photo to Lautner, who has finished filming his last scene as a werewolf in Twilight. Lambert and his latest friend, Gym Laswell were asked at...
Read full storyTramp Stamp Barcodes Slow Spread of STD's
Tramp stamps are predicted to reduce STD's by 75% over the next 5 years thanks to a new barcoding system that can quickly pull up your new lover's STD history. The technology is still new, but the idea is spreading like herpes on a pirate ship.
Read full storyBoston Transplant Brings Wicked Hardcore Phrases to Tampa Area
Sean McGinn moved to the Tampa Bay area 6 months ago, leaving behind his Boston roots for some fun-in-the-sun. Locals cannot decide if they dislike his haircut or dumb accent worse. "Everything with this asshole is like; yo, that's wicked hardcor...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Identity Thieves Target Elderly
Identity Theft seems like a problem of the computer age but more and more non-computer users seem to be targeted. The elderly in particular are increasingly reporting becoming victims of this new crime. Marjorie Stevens of 10 Bettsworth Cresent ha...
Read full storyWow: World's First Porn Circus - A Review
The world's first porn circus has rolled in to town in Grimsby this week, causing quite a stir with the locals. Barry Craddock's Big Arsed Bizarre Fucktacular prides itself as being the first traditional live porn circus show to hit the road. Featuring an array of acts such as the Mighty Wanger's, a family of trapeze artists, famed for their high altitude fellatio, the Arse Clowns, an all male...
Read full storyHorror: One Hundred And Eighty Is Easier To Write As 180
As a spoofer reached his one hundred and eightieth story, it occurred to him to write 180 instead. Nick Hobbs, spoofer of spoofs, had been awaiting a story of some substance when he realised spoof number one hundred and eighty had crept up on him...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Furious At Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar
A controversial Nude Lesbian Barbie Calendar created by an Argentine artist duo has fired the ire of Twilight starlet Kristen Stewart, writes Val Cano, Prepostorous Recycling For Cash Correspondent. Kristen's ire was fired in England, where she ha...
Read full storyShock: Drunk 'Lady' Has too Much To Drink And Gets Drunk
A drunk person caused quite a stir in a local boozer this evening, by consistently swearing and not standing up straight. The drunk, a young woman of demure stature was enjoying her evening, when she suddenly and unexpectedly had 'one over the eig...
Read full storyWikileaks Posts Secret Hot-or-Not Ratings of World Leaders
WASHINGTON - "Angela Merkel is risk-averse and rarely creative, but get her in a strapless evening gown and she's the Bavarian Alps! And I bet she's a cougar, ready to pounce. Give her a nine." So states one of countless U.S. diplomatic cables tha...
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