The City of Huntington, West Virginia Police Department has issued an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for a Jesuit Priest who has not yet gotten the hang of his brand new mobility power scooter. So far, the scooter-happy priest has mown through several groups of people, including a handful of nuns, twice. It is believed that the Priest was given an instruction booklet when he took possession of the scooter, which included a special section on "rules of the road," but which he obviously is paying no attention to.
While no one is sure exactly how many people have been killed and/or injured by the wayward priest, one thing is certain, the death toll continues to rise. Chief of Police, Marty Ketchum is at a loss to explain why Father DuBois has so far eluded capture. It isn't as if he hasn't been spotted around town in his spiffy scooter. Eyewitnesses claim they've seen DuBois in his fire engine red scooter with flame decals and the motto "Last of the Wild Monsignors" painted on the side at least twice a day scooting his way from the assisted living facility where he resides to visit friends and businesses, all the while using pedestrian walkways as his own personal Autobahn.
Not only is he striking terror in the minds and hearts of his fellow citizens, but he's becoming quite a nuisance to his doctors and nurses who are all now walking around with broken toes and bruises up and down their legs. Evidently, DuBois is the only one who thinks it's funny to continuously bump into his nurse while repeating over and over, "Where's my meds? Where's my meds?"
Ketchum claims that every time a report comes in and a patrolman is dispatched to make an arrest, Dubois is nowhere to be found. "He is one slippery priest," said Ketchum. "The path of death and destruction he is leaving in his wake is unlike any seen in this city since back in the days of the deranged roto-rooter truck driver, Loopy 'Poopy' Larry who intentionally wreaked havoc on innocent bystanders back in the 70's."
While Poopy's defense was dizziness caused by septic tank fumes, Fr. DuBois' only defense seems to be that he is a terrible driver with a warped sense of humour.
Meanwhile, police are asking anyone who has seen Fr. DuBois or his red scooter to call the station immediately so that this very dangerous menace can be taken off the streets. "Once we catch him," claims Ketchum, "his days of playing Mario Andretti in his little scooter will be over. He needs to know that he can't go around running people down just because they are taking up space on the sidewalks and he likes to watch them scatter about hysterically."
"Oh, and DuBois?" added Ketchum, "get a frikkin' gown that closes in the back."
