Mick Hucknall: "My Mother Was A Ginger-Tentacled Gorgon Who Drove Me To Sleep With 3000 Women."

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 3 December 2010

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image for Mick Hucknall: "My Mother Was A Ginger-Tentacled Gorgon Who Drove Me To Sleep With 3000 Women."
Trapped: A Wardrobe Like Mick Hucknall's (The Suitcases Are Nothing Like His), Yesterday

Simply Red crooner Mick Hucknall has spurted out a pubic, sorry, public apology to the 3000 women he slept with between 1985 and 1988, writes Lena Bacon, Raddled Lothario Confessionals Correspondent.

The ginger-syruped bag of spanners-a-like whose face also resembles that of a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, ejaculated his confession yesterday in an interview for the Hampstead Driveller.

"I regret it", Hucknall admitted to Wallpaper Music and Coffee Table Culture Correspondent, Hugh Jego. "I am so very sorry. I mean, I was sleeping with 3 women a day for 3 years. What can I say?

"They know who they are. I am truly sorry. All that sleeping. No wonder I couldn't sleep at night. And my snoring is atrocious. Worse than my records, and we all know how dreadful they are. All those records I sold. I am truly sorry. I was selling scores of them every day. The people who were buying them, they know who they are. I am truly sorry.

"But all that sleeping around. All those women. I used to dribble on the pillows as well. It's my face, it's shaped like an unironed tea-towel, I can't help salivating all over the pillows.

"Those poor women. All that time stuck - I used to make them lie against the wall so they couldn't escape - with my snoring, my ginger "Medusa" Wig draping its greasy tentacles all over them, and my dribbling, when they could have been out having a life. I am truly sorry."

"When I became famous, I went crazy. I used to sleep all day, every day. It was what I wanted from being a famous lift music maker. To sleep."

Hucknall ended the interview by sensationally revealing a sensationally-revealing sensational revelation about his mother.

"My mother was a gorgon. Really", he whined, shaking his ruddy tendrils at Hugh Jego. "She was Britain's first Albino Ginger Gorgon". I owe everything to her.

"I'm as bald as a coot, always was, since my mother sprayed napalm on my head when I was five. But I wear this Ginger Medusa Wig because of her. I got my looks from her - she is the reason I look like a heap of unkneaded suet waiting to be pounded into a load of dumplings.

"And when I was little, she used to sleep on top of me. She would squash me underneath her. I was covered with her sweat and her dribble and her ginger hairs.

"That's why I went crazy. I was taking it out on woman kind. I am truly sorry."

Hucknall said the upcoming Simply Red tour will be his last with the band. Their final album, An Albino Jimmy Clitheroe With Laryngitis In A Ginger Medusa Wig With A Face Like A Dough-Covered Bulldog Chewing A Wasp Warbles Platitudes For Radio 2, is expected to be their last.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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