Broadband to be renamed
High-performance Internet connections are set to be renamed following complaints about the sexist term Broadband. Broadband was first coined in America by pioneering Internet users, predominantly male and without partners, who had petitioned for i...
Read full storyMrs. Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees edits 'Feed My Ego Til I'm 94'
In a 'gentleman's agreement' that any song written by one of the pair of Maccabees would be edited by the other before being released, Sir Pale Maccabee's estranged wife Mrs. Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees changed the lyrics to 'Feed My Ego Til I'm 94', and here is the new version: 'When you got older losing your fame Not so long ago Did our marriage become a pantomime Endless rants drove me t...
Read full storyCSI Zurich: 'Roman Holiday'
Swiss detective Hermann Himmling sat moodily at his desk in downtown Zurich, wondering why he'd ever taken on such a dull job as this. Nothing ever happened in Zurich, he thought, if only huge amounts of gold were smuggled illegally into the city by mass-murdering German war criminals, or if the chairman of one of Zurich's famous banks was accused of a worldwide financial fraud that destroyed B...
Read full story1st October, Chinese National Day, astrological day of karmic payback
London - (Armageddinouttahere): Sixty years of the Chinese People's Military Dictatortship and the starry line up looks bollox for global corruption. In London the Serious Fraud Office is poised to nail the ass of UK weapons manufacturer BAe Syst...
Read full storyRev. Al Sharpton Says Roman Polanski Is Innocent
HARLEM - The Rev. Al Sharpton speaking before an audience of rich Harlem businessmen at a local Motel 6, remarked that Roman Polanski, who is presently in custody in Zurich, Switzerland is innocent. Sharpton, who champions himself as the sultan of...
Read full storyMedia run out of metaphors for labour government
A small explosion occurred today in the media room at the Brighton conference centre. Three computers, one from a BBC reporter and two from national newspaper journalists, caught flames spontaneously several minutes apart. A technician on the scene d...
Read full storySusan Boyle In Rehab
Poor Susan Boyle, just as she gets it going again and with her cat on tour with her, she apparently suffered another breakdown after a quick trip back home in Scotland. Apparently after her recent success she was absolutely sure that her old boyfr...
Read full storyBreast In Show for DWTS
ABC television's hit reality ballroom dance show, Dancing With The Stars, has been voted TV's Best Breast Showcase by TITS, the Television Institute for Ta-Ta Studies, the group announced today. "We've been watching DWTS since the beginning, and i...
Read full storyFears for missing Civil Servants
The news that two innocent missing bureaucrats may have inadvertently been taken hostage in Canary Wharf and sentenced to 12 years of FSA Regulation was greeted with alarm by their families, human rights groups and UN officials. The isolate...
Read full storyFSA To Regulate Rhyming Slang
In a shock announcement today the Financial Services Authority have advised the Monthly Cycle that they intend to regulate certain Cockney Rhyming Slang. The move comes on the back of the announcement by Satan's Bankers Barclays that their Fascist...
Read full storyNRA fuming at 'some liberal dildo dyke's second amendment ruling'
Washington - (High Noon at the OK Corrall): "No one's exactly sayin' Judge Sonia 'Dildo Dyke' Sotomayor's a frickin' biased gun control freak from hell," a NRA convention heard today. "But we have the constitutional right to deter undemocratic gov...
Read full storyChristmas with Phoebe
I can't predict the weather, nor tomorrow's NFL scores, but can tell you this. Should you decide to have Christmas dinner at the Rip-u-Off Resort in Slugamuck, Ohio, you'll be served by Phoebe Snootgrooter. It's a certainty. Every year since invention of the snowflake, Phoebe relinquishes holiday festivities with her family--hubby Cornelius, known to his colleagues as Corny, offspring Horne...
Read full storyRoman Polanski Is A Pussycat Claims Former Sister-In-Law
The sister of the late Sharon Tate, Debra Tate says that Roman Polanski is a pussycat. "Especially when you compare him with say, Charles Manson." Roman would never ever in a million years order people to be killed or look at you like Charles...
Read full storyHillary Clinton To Use Serena Williams Diplomacy
A new chapter in U.S. diplomacy will be introduced when the Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, adopts tennis star Serena Williams' form of debate. Threatening to shove a tennis ball down a linesman's throat, Ms. Williams opened a new form of green...
Read full storyTiny Georgia accused of starting war against their huge "Russian Big Brother Bear"
Tiny Georgia are the perpetrators behind the war against their huge big brothers, Russia in 2008, that's a fact! This fact has been proven by a EU commission financed by multi-billionaire Russian, Chelsea Chairman Roman Abramovich! Roman decide...
Read full storyUS government relaxes its grip on the Internet
Today the US government relaxed it hold over the internet which slipped through their fingers and smashed into a million pieces on the floor. The accident happened as the Director for Worldland Internetery complained that his hand had cramp from k...
Read full storyAdolf Hitler Skull Proved That Of Amelia Earhart
A piece of skull with a bullet hole through it that Russian officials have always claimed belonged to German Dictator, Adolf Hitler actually came from a woman, scientists at the University of Massachusetts have concluded. The cranium fragment is part...
Read full storyCoffee Giant Rolls Out Instant Coffee, Hostess Pastries
Seattle, WA - Bratsucks CEO Henry Schmuck announced this week that the iconic coffee purveyor will be introducing an instant coffee product in all of its stores. Named "Via", the discount-priced instant coffee is a daring new product line for a com...
Read full storyButt Floss Patented for the Painfully Rotund
Struggling to identify new product offerings in the toilet tissue marketplace, Sharminn Company announced today that it will be releasing a new line of personal cleansing products for consumers of significantly wider girth. A common problem for mo...
Read full storyTucks College In Massachusetts Bans Back Seat Sex
WALPOLE, Massachusetts - The dean of Tucks College in Walpole has just passed a college directive which bans students of Tucks College from engaging in sex in the back seat of a vehicle (i.e. cars, trucks, taxi's, and SUVs). Dean Parlando Hickenlo...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars' Tom DeLay Hurts Foot But Survives Elimination
HOLLYWOOD - Former Speaker of the House Tom Delay, one of the best political dancers to ever appear on Dancing With The Stars, has injured his foot. The 62-year-old pride of the GOP was rehearsing a super modified Tanganyikan Tango with his dance...
Read full storySwimsuit Model Kathy Ireland Booted Off Dancing With The Stars
HOLLYWOOD - Swimsuit model Kathy Ireland, who graced the glossy pages of Sports Illustrated's Annual Swimsuit Issue for 13 years in a row has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. The 5 foot 10 inch Ireland's quick step was just not quick e...
Read full storyRoman "RoPo" Polanski's Goose Is Cooked!
ZURICH, Switzerland - Zurich Police Chief Coco Bernberger has stated that he has been in close contact with the Los Angeles Police Department regarding the pending extradition of Roman Polanski, aka "RoPo" to California. Polanski fled the United...
Read full storyBritish Politicians should all be locked in a "special" gated community!
More and more people are joining the growing call for all British MP's to live in there own "special" community. A leading figure in the police who wished to remain anonymous said "Its obvious those clowns don't live in the real world so we should ge...
Read full storyMasterchef Mischief
The programme makers behind the latest series of Masterchef have admitted that they can remotely control the cooker, oven and other equipment settings, and use it to add dramatic effect to the show. Masterchef - the Professionals began filming ear...
Read full storyMini What? Mini Who? Mini You!
Dwarves have set up their own village to escape from 'normal-sized people'. Residents of their inner city sanctum must be under 4ft 3in. The 150- strong community have set up a mini me colony just outside Annapolis, USA. They have their own Fire...
Read full storyX Factor shows its 'Tru Colourz' and dumps girl band live on TV
Sensational scenes hit our TV screens this evening on ITV's X Factor. Louis Walsh confronted girl band Tru Colourz, saying "I'm really, really, really, sorry, but you have not been completely honest with us and you are fired." Evidence had come t...
Read full storyAaron "Cocky" Carter of Dancing With The Stars Says He's Not "Cocky"
LOS ANGELES - Aaron Carter, who is currently the odds-on-favorite to win this year's Dancing With The Stars has been accused by some members of the media as being a little bit on the 'cocky' side. The hip-hop, romantic balladeer says that he is re...
Read full storySent To Bridgend From Coventry
Most of you will have heard of the expression "Sent to Coventry" which means being shunned by society and treated like an outcast. John was sent to Bridgend from Coventry in 1970 and had another kind of experience. John was a gifted child with an underlying brain condition and from 1973 as he started growing up he endured twenty years of oppression, bullying, undermining and was treated as a...
Read full storyEarthquake pandemic: Buckingham Palace & Qom nuke factory next
London - (Tremors): The nuclear proliferation industry's evil twins are bang on target for a seismic catastrophe. Seismologists at the UN's International Parasitology Division are linking rumblings beneath the Buckingham Palace swimming pool and I...
Read full storyNew Adult Website Off To A Rough Start
A new all adult website that had it's creator in high hopes to land him lots of money and featuring men sixty and over, completely or nearly completely nude, is off to a rough start according to creator, Herman Arsecrackers. "I thought sure I had...
Read full storyRonaldo Refuses to Donate Organs
Christiano Ronaldo has shocked health officials by boldly declaring that he will keep his organs as no one is worthy to receive them. The slick Portuguese star has always been a tricky customer in the box, and it appears he has no intention of changi...
Read full storyDiaby Comes Clean about Fantasy Football Scam
Arsenal superstar Abou Diaby has made a sensational confession about his own goal against Manchester United, saying that he intentionally scored in a bid to boost his Fantasy Football team. The French International's looping header beat Manuel Almuni...
Read full storyFormula 1 Boost for Vauxhall
A national youth group and South London youth services are celebrating the announcement that from 2010, McLaren and Williams will ditch their entire pit crews in favour of local gang members. The move has been heralded as the most forward thinking in...
Read full storyRoman Polanski: Real Reason for Arrest
Zurich Chief Prosecutor, Bratwurst Zwiebel, has revealed the real reason for the arrest of film director Roman Polanski. He said that a woman reported to the Swiss police that an adult man had sex with her 13-year-old daughter Rosemary and that th...
Read full storyConservative Nazi Evil Twin project: Cameron crashes Labour's party
The Conservative Nazi Evil Twin project continued yesterday when David Cameron's evil twin made an appearance at the Labour Paarty conference. As Gordon Brown rallied his troops, Evil Cameron leaped onto the stage and began running around making c...
Read full storyWhy the Weather Reports are Always Wrong
It has finally come to light why the BBC Weather Predictions are always wrong, when on a purely probabilistic basis, they should be right forty percent of the time. The previous explanation of Britain having a hard climate to forecast for has been...
Read full storyPale Maccabee's new single released
Former Bleatle Sir Pale Maccabee today released his latest song 'Feed My Ego Til I'm 94', and here are the lyrics: 'When I got older losing my fame Many years ago Was I reduced to a media pantomime Endless plugs enough to drive you to wine If I've been out of the news for 3 days Would you mind at all Will the press feed my Will the TV feed my Ego til I'm 94? Richo got older too So...
Read full storyVienna Boys Choir get their man
Zurich, Wednesday. Polish film director, Roman Polanski, has been dramatically seized from custody of the Swiss Police by a cabal of Vienna Boys Choir commandos dressed in military fatigue. The boys, aged 14, felt compelled to free the Polish mae...
Read full storySarah Palin To Star In "The Tina Fey Story"
WASILLA, Alaska - Now that she is no longer the governor of Alaska, and is now a member of the 'unemployed' Sarah Palin has announced that she will be appearing in the Touchstone Pictures movie The Tina Fey Story. The ex-governor smiled and told t...
Read full story"Tsunami" Has So. Californians Reaching for Their Dictionaries
Venice Beach, California - Costal Southern Californians are reaching for their dictionaries looking up the word "Tsunami" or typing it into google right now, because enlightened longhaired suffer types persuaded their local representatives that coast...
Read full storyWhite House rides the f-word bandwagon
WASINGTON DC - The press secretary at the White House publicly threatened to curse, "Just like Jenny Slate" in a press briefing, according to reports circulating on the internet. "I'm gonna f***ing curse so much you will forget about the f***ing J...
Read full storyNow That Michael's Finally Buried, Latest News On The Living: Gibson, Johansson & Bijou Phillips
Hollywood: Mel Gibson's attorney has filed a motion to dismiss his DUI charge during his famous or infamous tirade a year ago. However, when the judge asked Gibson, "Do you mean that this is the way you act when you are not drinking?", Gibson gave up...
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