Swiss detective Hermann Himmling sat moodily at his desk in downtown Zurich, wondering why he'd ever taken on such a dull job as this.
Nothing ever happened in Zurich, he thought, if only huge amounts of gold were smuggled illegally into the city by mass-murdering German war criminals, or if the chairman of one of Zurich's famous banks was accused of a worldwide financial fraud that destroyed British and American banks, but such things only happened in cheap paperback novels. Last week all he'd had to do was investigate the theft of a cuckoo clock from Harry Lime's Klockenhoffen in Zeppelin Strasse.
The phone rang. 'Hello', he said into it, as he was practicing speaking English, 'Himmling here. What? OK, sir, I'll get straight onto it!' This was more like it, he thought, a desperate and wanted American criminal had been spotted crossing into Switzerland an hour ago, spotted as he'd coughed without asking permission from the border guards there, the Schutzstaffelgeheimepolizei.
'Nice one, boys', he muttered to himself, as he finished his 93rd coffee of the day, then got onto his official Zurich Police pfennig farthink bicycle and pedalled hurriedly across Zurich to where the American had been seen. This could mean promotion for him, if he could capture the fugitive. 'What is he wanted for?', Himmling asked one of the guards, when he arrived at the Swiss-German border post of Swastiken.
'30 years ago he admitted to interfering with a young girl in America', the guard replied, 'and then flew to Europe to avoid a possible jail sentence.' 'That's it?', Himmling said, all ideas of some kind of Al Capone figure being wanted for a massive armed robbery last week in Philadelphia disappearing, 'but, er, that's an extradition matter, not a criminal one, now, in 2009.' 'I know', sighed the guard, 'but you know what those Amis are like, a nation of drama queens. So they want the guy caught and deported.'
'That robbery of a clock out of Harry Lime's last week was more interesting than this', Himmling said, 'oh well, got any clues about where he's gone?' 'Yeppers, that's him over there.' 'What!' 'Well, given that the entire world has known exactly where he's been for the last 30 years, and that he knew he would be arrested if he entered Switzerland, you don't need to be Sherlock von Holmes to work it all out.'
'The USA will either drop the case against him or fly him over to tap him on the wrist and let him go again, all at a cost of millions of tax dollars.' 'Smart guys, those Americans!' 'Heh heh heh.' 'OK, so we'll put him in a hotel for a bit and wait for them to make an even bigger mess of the whole case than they already did all those years ago.' 'Listen, those are the same guys that still believe Pearl Harbor was a 'surprise attack'!'
At that point Himmling's radio suddenly went off. 'All Zurich officers stop what you're doing! A man with a slightly tanned face has been seen entering the Bank of ZuroNazo!' 'Sorry, pal', Himmling said to the border guard, 'keep an eye on the American, there's been a serious disturbance in Banhofstrasse.' 'You're not going to leave us with this complete non-story and dull investigation are you?' 'Wiedersehen.'
Rosemary's baby only had 'Ga ga ga ga ga' to say about yet another feeble action by the once-admired United States of America, who should either have properly tried and sentenced the fugitive 30 years ago, or just have forgotten all about it. And where were the American detectives investigating the Hanson family instead of letting them murder many people, including a certain film director's pregnant wife?
American private eye Phillip Marlowe would not have been impressed.
