Mrs. Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees edits 'Feed My Ego Til I'm 94'

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

image for Mrs. Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees edits 'Feed My Ego Til I'm 94'
The writer of this article

In a 'gentleman's agreement' that any song written by one of the pair of Maccabees would be edited by the other before being released, Sir Pale Maccabee's estranged wife Mrs. Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees changed the lyrics to 'Feed My Ego Til I'm 94', and here is the new version:

'When you got older losing your fame
Not so long ago
Did our marriage become a pantomime
Endless rants drove me to straight to the wine

I can't stand being out of the news for 3 days
But you can't do **** all
Will I be famous, will I be gracious
When I'm 44?

Sir Pale is now too old for me
You wouldn't kick me out of bed, boys
Would you?

I could be sexy, trashing Bleatles CDs
They make me want to yawn
I'll be nominated for a Nobel Prize
And not just coz of my hot curvy thighs

Anything Dye did I can do better
She was such a bore
Will I be famous, will I be gracious
When I'm 44?

Now I'm more famous than Pale ever was
He just makes me snore
His kids are only in the news because he's got dosh
Bet they're glad when he goes on tour

I'm rich and I'm sexy, and pretty and cute
Men love me more and more
Will I be famous, will I be gracious
When I'm 44?

I took on his lawyers, the rich and the famous
And showed them all the door
In between reinventing hovercrafts
UN peacekeeping, saving Darfor

I'm mad and I'm bad and I'm crazy and hot
At least I ain't no bore
Will I be famous, bet I'm still fancied
When I'm 44

[Words by Lady Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees O'Magdalena, music by 'that ****'; Nobel Prize for Looking Sexier as I Get Older goes to Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; incredible beauty and classy good looks by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees;

gorgeous pouting stunning attractiveness by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; see what you're missing now, Pale, hahahaha, by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; I'm sure hot ain't I, lads, OK there's a wee bit missing but the rest of me makes up for it! by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; vegetarian ideas by Belinda Maccabee; landmine ideas by Her Royal Highness Princess Dye of that Clothes D'Horse;

journalism by Heathcliffia Mauls; bizarre fantasies by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; now understanding why Vladimir 'John' Lenin and Ono It'syokopretendwe'reout avoided Sir Pale like the proverbial by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; hot sexy movies by Mrs.Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; long, tedious, boring movies about themselves by Sir Pale Maccabee;

thanks for all the millions goes to Sir P. Maccabee, still being lusted after by men and still in the news in 20 years' time goes to Lady Jane O'Phelia Maccabee-Miles-Better-Than-U-MillsandBoon van Diemen of Barkingshirehamptonsville; Congressional Medal for Saving Whales Under Enemy Fire From Hillary Clinton On Mount Everest goes to Mrs. Heathcliffia Gandhi-Rommelska de la McCabbie-Boons;

'The Life of Heathcliffia' opening soon at a cinema near you, starring Deborah Kerr; 'Heathcliffia, and My Part In Her Rise to Fame and Glory, Curse Her!' by Sir X. Xaxxaxee, published by Fodder and Halvporn; 'Heathcliffia and Him' by William Shakespeare, at London's Adolfi Theatre; 'Heathcliffia the Musical' by Bjorn Beardjie and Benny Bjeardibore;

'Is Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees the first genius of the 21st. century?' Richard Dimblebore Lecture at the London School of Ergonomics, delivered by Baroness Heathcliffia Miles-Micklebee-Mackerels; 'The Spy Who Loved Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees' to be the next Bond movie, starring Pierce Brosnan and Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees No. 9 perfume to be sold by Yves St. Bernard-Chien;

'Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees founds new world religion' headline appears in The Heathcliffia; BBC News to be read by Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees, as 'them old women need sacked and a hot sexy babe like me put on the screen instead'; new planet discovered by Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees, who names it Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; UN calls in Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees to oversee Israeli-Palestinian peace talks;

the Scarlet Pimpernel rescued from France by Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees; Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees solves the Bermuda Triangle mystery, saying 'Every time I go on holiday there my stunning babosity attracts ships from miles around, then my ex-husband cruelly and wickedly torpedoes them from his yellow submarine'; 'Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees first human on Mars!' says The Sun, 'the red planet suddenly became the red hot planet!';

Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees challenges government in the Law Lords over the 'Bloody Sunday' inquiry, and wins; Pope announces Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees to be the third living saint in history, after Saint Bob of Camden Town and Saint Diana of If It Moves Shaggitte; Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees meets Mohammed in Mecca, and tells him to 'sort them mad bombers out, ya plonker!', the Prophet duly complies;

St. Peter's in Rome renamed St. Heathcliffia's; 'Everything I did was based on the principles of Mrs. Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees', newly-released autobiography by Mahatma Gandhi says; Gerry Adams apologises to Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees for 30 years of Irish Republican terror, saying

'If only I'd listened to you all those years ago, Heathcliffia. Fancy a night out on British government expenses?'; Heathcliffia Mauls-Maccabees temporarily reunites with her husband to jointly issue a writ against, for 'taking quite a good idea, then flogging it to death over and over and over to pass away your lunchtime, give it a rest, mate'.

Undisclosed damages will be paid by the website to Sir Pale and Lady Heathcliffia, and a suitable donation will also be given to the Save The Ego charity. Patron Sir Pale Maccabee

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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