Butt Floss Patented for the Painfully Rotund

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

image for Butt Floss Patented for the Painfully Rotund
Replace the thin crappy stuff with new butt floss.

Struggling to identify new product offerings in the toilet tissue marketplace, Sharminn Company announced today that it will be releasing a new line of personal cleansing products for consumers of significantly wider girth.

A common problem for most people weighing in at 300 pounds or more, the sheer mass of flesh around the mid section and derriere make it difficult to clean waste removal orifices properly. "Yes, wiping was a serious problem for me" says 4XL sized floss inventor Roland DaSuet, "I had trouble with my own reach around, you might say".

Fitting on a typical toilet paper dispenser, DaSuet's paper-based, multi layer product is reinforced with cotton threads, and affixed with cotton rope handles on both ends. Each pre-determined length of floss tears off the roll normally, but allows for a two handed back-and-forth action to dig into cracks and crevices like no wad of paper can. "The sawing action really relieves me from those clingy shards and nards", DaSuet says.

Sharminn is planning to market the new product under the label "Ultra Soft Super Floss", while the company's advertising firm (Seeum and Sellem) will use an animated cartoon bear named "Flubby" to pitch the product.

Co-founder of the advertising firm Duey Sellem, sees expanded markets beyond the bulky and beefy. Test marketing the product with the plumber's union and other workers with heavy tool belts, gave them surprising results. "It appears that the product is superior in removing dirt and crack sweat from guys who bend over all day."
Sellem followed with, "We can't fix the view there, but we can make sure it's clean".

Ultra Soft Super Floss is destined to be on store shelves just before the holiday dinner season.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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