Coffee Giant Rolls Out Instant Coffee, Hostess Pastries

Funny story written by Austin Turnip

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

image for Coffee Giant Rolls Out Instant Coffee, Hostess Pastries

Seattle, WA - Bratsucks CEO Henry Schmuck announced this week that the iconic coffee purveyor will be introducing an instant coffee product in all of its stores. Named "Via", the discount-priced instant coffee is a daring new product line for a company that has staked its reputation on serving a premium product at a premium price.

On the heels of this announcement, Mr. Schmuck also announced that they will start selling Hostess brand shelf-stable pastries.

"Spoilage has been a problem with our fresh bakery products. Hostess' products are a great value and will last for weeks rather than hours."

Dolly Madison products were also considered before they settled on Hostess.

"I love to enjoy a Zinger with a cup of instant coffee," said the CEO, "but when you consider the extent of Hostess' product line, it was really a no brainer." The Hostess product line includes Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Sno Balls and Hostess Cupcakes.

More announcements are expected soon. Mr. Schmuck said, "Our customers can look forward to powdered, non-dairy creamer instead of half and half in the very near future."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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