Alleged Witch Doctor Stirs Up White Supremacists
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The House of Representatives on Tuesday formally admonished Republican Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina for shouting "you lie" during President Obama's speech to a joint session of Congress last week. The House passed a resolut...
Read full storyU.S. Congress Address Priority Concerns
Despite trillions of dollars of debt, struggling attempts at something very similar to socialized healthcare, and more troubles than you can, quote, "shake a stick at," the United States Congress has found an even more important issue that needs to b...
Read full storyCheney Enters Hospital: Thumbs Nose at Uninsured
Former Vice President Dick Cheney; oh, such an unfortunate first name, entered the finest of hospitals today so that the finest of surgeons could operate on his back with the finest of medical personnel in attendance. While costs for the surgery are...
Read full storyKate and William to Marry
Senior officials at Clarence House today announced that William and Kate will marry in 2010. The long awaited announcement was made at a press conference called hastily at Clarence House. Phone calls were made to trusted reporters, whilst tabloid...
Read full storyPatient in Barack Obama health care speech 'not dead, just pining for the fjords'
Washington - (Dead Parrot Sketch): A patient whose death President Obama trumpeted as an example of rubbish healthcare was still alive three years after treatment for a terminal diagnosis was reprieved by insurance reinstatement. Obama told Congre...
Read full storyRaymond Clark III: 'We did a strip search of him and checked his mental state' says prison chief
New Haven - (Reuterus): Annie Le murder chief suspect was reported undergoing bizarre new psychological testing after Connecticut's Lt John Bernard told the media that his mental health had been probed during a strip search. The accused was then p...
Read full storyMerlin First With Lottery Illusion
Merlin tried to convince people that he could predict the lottery 900 years before Derren Brown. It seems King Arthur's wizard friend is the originator of the trick Brown played out in front of an audience of over 4 million on Channel 4 recently.
Read full storySon of Star Whores axed by Capitol Hill KGB Colonel
Washington AC/DC - (Rasputin-Related): The Kremlin has managed to persuade its top US asset to scrap the Bush Administration's canny plan to nuke Iran from bases near Warsaw. The daftass plan would have seen Polish bases fire at random using sophi...
Read full storyScientists Discover Glacier Mints Getting Smaller
Scientists have discovered glacier mints are getting smaller. The enjoyable mints, wrapped with a drawing of polar bear standing on an iceberg, or was it a fox, are likely to disappear altogether within 50 years unless drastic action is taken, acc...
Read full storyMan misses period.
A bright man who worked as a candle maker for Elster's Candle Works was let go today for missing his period. In light of poor candle sales, many felt Old Man Elster waxed the poor bloke for omitting what only can be called an unfortunate bit of bad l...
Read full storyAustralia gets its very own Joseph Fritzl
State of Victoria - (OMG): Just when ya thought the incest pathogen was consigned to oblivion with Austrian dungeonmaster Joseph Friztl's life sentence along comes another perv. And big time. And in Australia of all places. A court suppression or...
Read full storyOne of "Peter, Paul and Mary" Joins the "The Grateful Dead"
San Francisco, California - Originally forming one-third of the nation's most popular folk music groups of the 1960s, "Peter, Paul and Mary", Mary Travers, like Momma Cass, later grew to form two-thirds of the trio, having eaten, Peter, one of the f...
Read full storyPaul McCartney To Sue Maccabees
Sir Paul McCartney is to sue indie stars The Maccabees over the use of his name. The former bass player with 60s quintet The Beatles says he is sick and fed up of weedy young people cashing in. He insisted the other four Beatles would feel exac...
Read full storyBill O'Reilly has stroke; IQ soars
News pundit Bill O'Reilly suffered a stroke late thursday evening shortly after the broadcast of his nightly show. He was quickly rushed to the hospital and was stabilized. A Cat Scan revealed and tests revealed that he had a jump in his IQ fr...
Read full storyBank to takeover Federal Reserve System
Sioux Falls (DP) - In an unanimous vote, the Senate approved a privately owned bank to takeover the Federal Reserve to manage the nation's money supply. Obama said, "It is time to cut the friction of the middleman out and work directly with the n...
Read full storyGoogle to launch "Cyclops" - a replacement for all social media
Mountain View (DP) - Google has plans to launch a revolutionary product to merge all social networking into a single interface. The product, aptly named Cyclops, is an ultra thin webcam that affixes to one's forehead with Velcro tape. It uses mobile...
Read full storyAUS-sies and AUS-trians tend to keep it in 'the family'
The latest incest scandal that has shocked the world and the cornerstones of all family foundations comes from AUS-sie land rapidly following the last one from AUS-tria. Scientists are examining this fact and have delved into satanic sexual liter...
Read full storyKevin Skinner Wins $1 Million Gets Marriage Proposal From OctuMom
LA HABRA, California - About ten minutes after Kevin Skinner won America's Got Talent's top prize of $1 million he got a congratulatory phone call from none other than OctuMom. An unnamed reliable source said that Kevin and Octy had gone out on a...
Read full storyPolly Toure warns Man Utd
Homeless Man City Captain Polly Toure has run his mouth before the much anticipated Manchester derby. Polly Toure suggests Man Utd will have a supposedly "difficult" 90 minutes when the two teams face off on Sunday 20 September. Man City has spe...
Read full storyKayne West Interupts Barack/Michelle's Tender Moment In Bed
No one knows how he got past six (now unemployed) guards positioned at different entrances to the White House, but Wednesday night Kayne West suddenly appeared at the bedside of President of the United States and the First Lady to interrupt a very te...
Read full storyThe Vagina Monologues to be Renamed in Honor of National Breast Appreciation Day
The Vagina Monologues, the long running Broadway play, will be renamed for September 28th in honor of the celebration of National Breast Appreciation Day. Production assistant Lisa Naugahyde said that "we feel that, just like our performances enligh...
Read full storyFrance follow Kenya and clear out their slum in Calais full up with, well, crap
France has followed a Kenyan initiative and agreed to clear out its major slum in Calais (appropriately known as "the Jungle!"), filled with vermin, rubbish, crap, (and that's just the illegals!) dried up turds and pools of stenching piss, etc! Fo...
Read full storyKendra Wilkinson, Hank Baskett Headed For Indiana Jones?
Kendra Wilkinson is giving up bagels & cheese for "Indy racer cars". Just two days after being let go by the Michael Vick popular Philadelphia Eagles, Kendra Wilkinson's husband Hank Baskett is all set to sign with an even bigger Super Bowl fa...
Read full storyKanye & Taylor, Sittin' in a Tree...
In a move that probably everyone saw coming, Badboy of Rap Kanye West has announced his engagement to America's Newest Sweetheart, Taylor Swift. "Yo-yo, I just had to, know-um-sayin' " said the always-articulate Mr. West. "I dissed her, then I k...
Read full storyFormer Vice-President Dick Cheney Is Having Back Surgery
BALTIMORE - Dick Cheney, the man who was President George W. Bush's vice-president, well at least on paper, has entered The Mrs. Lord Baltimore Hospital where he will undergo back surgery. Cheney, who for eight years probably said a total of about...
Read full storyObama's Anti-Missile Shield Was Eyesore Waiting To Happen
Documents relating to Barack Obama's U-turn over an anti-missile shield in central Europe reveal neighboring countries believed it would prove a massive eyesore. Poland, Czech Republic and Germany all felt that a giant shield made out of old missi...
Read full storyWhite House Admits Sending 'Unmanned Drone' Jimmy Carter to Blow Up "GOP Racists!"
Washington, DC/ Somewhere in a Cave Outside the Capitol - President Barack Hussein Obama, responded to critics today and tried to explain why he launched the DEMs unguided missile, Former President Jimmy Carter , on a mission to blow up the GOP wit...
Read full storyGordon Ramsay Is Blackberry Fool
Top chef Gordon Ramsay proved himself a BlackBerry fool yesterday by baking a pie full of the top of the range mobile phones at his posh New York restaurant, Knob. The foul mouthed and, some say, glorified cook served up a four letter tirade over...
Read full storyCongressman Bacchus introduces new health care legislation
After months of behind-the-scenes negotiation, Congressman Bacchus (I-Rome) unveiled a massive health care bill. The CBO reports that the bill could cost the government almost 50,000 denarii, although Bacchus himself puts the estimate at closer to 60...
Read full storyWild New Book About President Bush
Matt Moore, whom no one on the Bush staff can recall and neither can the former president himself, is putting out a new book that reviewers say is very embarrassing to George W. Bush. In fact, top officials from the Bush White House are greeting...
Read full storyPETA Celebrates Kevin Skinner's Win of America's Got Talent - Chickens Rejoice Worldwide - KFC is Devastated
PETA organizations worldwide are celebrating the victory of Kevin Skinner, a chicken catcher from Mayfield, Kentucky, who won America's Got Talent, the popular reality television entertainment contest. PETA, an acronym for People for the Ethical...
Read full storyKevin Skinner Wins The Whole (Chicken) Enchilada!
HOLLYWOOD - Kevin Skinner and Barbara Padilla stood side-by-side on the America's Got Talent stage. And then host Nick Cannon announced the winner of the $1 million first prize...Kevin Skinner! Skinner started crying, Padilla started crying, and G...
Read full storyF-Mart To Go Topless To Bring Back Customers
In a desperate move to try and bring customers back to their stores, F-Mart has announced plans to go topless at their cash registers. This announcement comes on the heels of National Breast Appreciation Day (September 28th), and that will also be t...
Read full storyPresident Carter Says 'January White Sales are Racist!'
Peanut Brittle, GA/ More News from The Nut - Former President 'Jimmie' Carter continued his crusade against Racism today when he came out strongly against Retail Economic Recovery, saying traditional 'January White Sales ' only encourage underlying...
Read full storyManchester United v God at The Old Bailey?
After lengthy deliberation, supporters of crisis-hit Manchester United are considering legal action against God having won only four pieces of silverware after a dismal 2008/09 season for the north-west giants. The atmosphere was tense in the slee...
Read full storyHarry Potter To Search For Kanye West's Horcruxes
Atlanta, Georgia - Embattled singer Kanye West will never die - ever. The world's number one egomaniac has split his soul into a million pieces. Lord Voldemort is the only other person known to have achieved this feet. An advanced understanding...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens Explains Nude Photos Once Again
Since it was all the way back in 2007 when the nude photographs of Vanessa Hudgens first began appearing on the internet, you'd think that the story would be old by now but she has now decided to "tell the whole thing". "Maybe others will learn fr...
Read full storyACORN Members to Replace Secret Service Agents
Washington DC: President Obama held a news conference today. He made two brief announcements about ACORN members replacing his current security detail and the new Ministry of Propaganda. The president took no questions from the White House Press Corp...
Read full storyWild Horses Drag Susan Boyle Away After All
Wild horses yesterday dragged Susan Boyle away from the America's Got Talent studios in what police are describing as an orchestrated attack. Ironically, the orchestra backing Susan Boyle during her performance of the song Wild Horses did nothing...
Read full storySusan Boyle's Restraining Order On Kanye West
A judge has ordered Kanye West to desist from attempting to contact worldwide sensation Susan Boyle. Security was stepped up at the recent America's Got Talent final, with guard dogs positioned around the studio perimeter in case Kanye West attemp...
Read full storyNew Training for ACORN Employees
Introduction: Offering Illegal Advice 1. Our job is to offer advice to government applicants so they are better able to utilize every service available even if it may not apply to them or be illegal. 2. We compiled the best advice available from top legal minds, Obama's best work as a lawyer was done here at ACORN (!), to use in order to help circumvent unfair government regulations. 3. R...
Read full story5 Million Dollar Prize
MacBurger has announced a prestigious new annual arts prize for the fastest texted irreverent joke following any tragic event. The clock will be started once a celebrity dies, a building collapses, a film actress forgets her underwear or any other internationally symbolic moment. Category awards will be available: 1. Fastest and funniest. 2. Fastest and most sexist. 3. Fastest and mo...
Read full storyNorfolk man attempting to sue major drinks companies
After a night of excess Terry Spalding, 32, is launching a legal attack on four producers of alcoholic beverages for not listing the possible side effects that may occur when consuming their product. Mr Spalding, of Gumford near Kings Lynn, feels...
Read full storyAcorn Executive Quoted As Saying "Nuts!"
Faced with mounting evidence that ACORN employees all over the country have been using their positions to further tax evasion, smuggling, child slavery, encouraging prostitution rings, and not turning off the lights when leaving the room, the executi...
Read full storyHermaphrodite, Caster Semenya, Endorses Gender Determination Home Testing Kit for Kids
Johannesburg, South Africa - If successful, a generation of men will never know the humiliation of having their mothers show family, friends and their girlfriends their naked baby pictures, because no longer will millions of mothers have to take pict...
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